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  • I cannot forget them.

    這些人,我一個也忘不了。

  • Their names were Aslan, Alik, Andrei,

    他們的名字是:Aslan、Alik、Andrei

  • Fernanda, Fred, Galina, Gunnhild,

    Fernanda、Fred、Galina、Gunnhild

  • Hans, Ingeborg, Matti, Natalya,

    Hans、Ingeborg、Matti、Natalya

  • Nancy, Sheryl, Usman, Zarema,

    Nancy、Sheryl、Usman、Zarema

  • and the list is longer.

    死亡名單還更長。

  • For many, their existence, their humanity,

    對於他們當中許多人來說,

  • has been reduced to statistics,

    他們的存在、人性被簡化成數據,

  • coldly recorded as "security incidents."

    被冷漠地記錄成「安全事故」。

  • For me, they were colleagues

    對於我來說,他們是同僚,

  • belonging to that community of humanitarian aid workers

    共屬人道援助工作者的社群,

  • that tried to bring a bit of comfort

    共同竭力為90年代車臣戰爭的受害者

  • to the victims of the wars in Chechnya in the '90s.

    帶來一點安樂。

  • They were nurses, logisticians, shelter experts,

    這些人是護士、後勤人員、庇護專家、

  • paralegals, interpreters.

    律師助理、翻譯人員。

  • And for this service, they were murdered,

    而正因他們提供的服務, 他們被謀殺了。

  • their families torn apart,

    他們的家人難過心碎,

  • and their story largely forgotten.

    但他們的故事卻被大大忘卻。

  • No one was ever sentenced for these crimes.

    沒有人因此而被判罪。

  • I cannot forget them.

    他們,我一個都不能忘。

  • They live in me somehow,

    某程度上,他們與我同活。

  • their memories giving me meaning every day.

    關於他們的記憶賦予我每天生存的意義。

  • But they are also haunting the dark street of my mind.

    但他們也縈繞在我心中的黑暗街道。

  • As humanitarian aid workers,

    作為人道主義援助工作者,

  • they made the choice to be at the side of the victim,

    他們選擇站在受害者的一邊,

  • to provide some assistance, some comfort, some protection,

    提供力所能及的幫助、安樂、保護,

  • but when they needed protection themselves,

    但是當他們自己需要保護時,

  • it wasn't there.

    卻無法被保護。

  • When you see the headlines of your newspaper these days

    時至今日,當你在看報紙頭條,

  • with the war in Iraq or in Syria --

    看見伊拉克、敘利亞在打仗的同時,

  • aid worker abducted, hostage executed --

    也看到援助工作者被綁架、人質被處決,

  • but who were they?

    但是他們是誰?

  • Why were they there?

    為什麼他們會在那裡?

  • What motivated them?

    為什麼他們決定到那裡去?

  • How did we become so indifferent to these crimes?

    面對這些犯罪, 我們怎麼變得如此冷漠?

  • This is why I am here today with you.

    這就是我今天來到這裡的原因。

  • We need to find better ways to remember them.

    我們需要尋找更好的方式 去銘記這些受害者。

  • We also need to explain the key values to which they dedicated their lives.

    我們需要闡釋他們犧牲奉獻的關鍵理念。

  • We also need to demand justice.

    我們亦需要尋求正義。

  • When in '96 I was sent

    1996年,

  • by the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees to the North Caucasus,

    我受命於聯合國難民署 前往北高加索執行任務時,

  • I knew some of the risks.

    我就知道其中的一些風險。

  • Five colleagues had been killed,

    五位同僚遭殺害,

  • three had been seriously injured,

    三名同僚受重傷,

  • seven had already been taken hostage.

    七位同僚已被綁架做人質。

  • So we were careful.

    因此當時我們很小心。

  • We were using armored vehicles, decoy cars,

    當時我們使用裝甲車、誘餌車,

  • changing patterns of travel, changing homes,

    變換出行模式、切換居所,

  • all sorts of security measures.

    還有其它多種安全措施。

  • Yet on a cold winter night of January '98, it was my turn.

    但是1998年1月的一個寒冷的冬夜, 還是輪到我了。

  • When I entered my flat in Vladikavkaz with a guard,

    我和我的守衛走進 在弗拉季高加索的住所時,

  • we were surrounded by armed men.

    被一群武裝人員包圍了。

  • They took the guard, they put him on the floor,

    他們拿下了守衛, 把他打倒在地,

  • they beat him up in front of me,

    他們在我面前暴打他

  • tied him, dragged him away.

    捆住他、拖走了他。

  • I was handcuffed, blindfolded, and forced to kneel,

    我雙手被銬,雙眼被蒙,被迫下跪,

  • as the silencer of a gun pressed against my neck.

    手槍的消聲器始終抵住我的咽喉。

  • When it happens to you,

    這樣的事情發生在你身上,

  • there is no time for thinking, no time for praying.

    你不會有時間去思考、禱告。

  • My brain went on automatic,

    我的大腦自動開始運作,

  • rewinding quickly the life I'd just left behind.

    快速回想我過去所經歷的人生。

  • It took me long minutes to figure out

    花了很長時間,我才發現

  • that those masked men there were not there to kill me,

    這群蒙面男子不是來殺我的,

  • but that someone, somewhere, had ordered my kidnapping.

    但是受人指使來綁架我。

  • Then a process of dehumanization started that day.

    之後,一系列泯滅人性的行為 從那天開始了。

  • I was no more than just a commodity.

    我變成了一件商品。

  • I normally don't talk about this,

    一般我不談這些,

  • but I'd like to share a bit with you some of those 317 days of captivity.

    但今天我想與在座各位 分享被綁架317天的一些點滴。

  • I was kept in an underground cellar,

    我被囚禁在一個地窖裡,

  • total darkness,

    伸手不見五指,

  • for 23 hours and 45 minutes every day,

    如此渡過每日的23小時45分鐘,

  • and then the guards would come, normally two.

    然後看守就會過來,一般有兩個。

  • They would bring a big piece of bread,

    他們會帶一大塊麵包,

  • a bowl of soup, and a candle.

    還有一碗湯和一支蠟燭,

  • That candle would burn for 15 minutes,

    蠟燭會燒15分鐘,

  • 15 minutes of precious light,

    珍貴的15分鐘光明,

  • and then they would take it away, and I returned to darkness.

    然後他們會把東西都拿走, 而我又重返黑暗。

  • I was chained by a metal cable to my bed.

    我被鐵鍊鎖在床架上。

  • I could do only four small steps.

    活動範圍只有四小步。

  • I always dreamt of the fifth one.

    我經常渴望能走到第五步。

  • And no TV, no radio, no newspaper, no one to talk to.

    沒有電視、沒有廣播、 沒有報紙、沒有談話對象。

  • I had no towel, no soap, no toilet paper,

    沒有毛巾、沒有肥皂、沒有廁紙

  • just two metal buckets open, one for water, for one waste.

    只有兩個敞口鐵桶, 一個儲水,一個儲排泄物。

  • Can you imagine that mock execution can be a pastime for guards

    你能想像嗎? 模擬處決可以是守衛的消遣,

  • when they are sadistic or when they are just bored or drunk?

    要是看守是虐待狂, 或者只是無聊、喝醉酒。

  • We are breaking my nerves very slowly.

    我的耐力緩慢地被消磨。

  • Isolation and darkness are particularly difficult to describe.

    隔離和黑暗最難以形容。

  • How do you describe nothing?

    你要怎樣描述空無?

  • There are no words for the depths of loneliness I reached

    言語不能表達 我當時所感受到的深切孤獨,

  • in that very thin border between sanity and madness.

    徘徊在理智與瘋狂的邊界線上。

  • In the darkness, sometimes I played imaginary games of checkers.

    在黑暗當中,有時我會玩假想的跳棋。

  • I would start with the black,

    我會先下黑子,

  • play with the white,

    然後下白子,

  • back to the black trying to trick the other side.

    然後再到黑子, 不斷嘗試贏另一方。

  • I don't play checkers anymore.

    現在我不玩跳棋了。

  • I was tormented by the thoughts of my family and my colleague, the guard, Edik.

    一想到家人、同僚、我的守衛Edik, 我內心就飽受煎熬。

  • I didn't know what had happened to him.

    我不知道他怎麼樣了。

  • I was trying not to think,

    我嘗試避免思考,

  • I tried to fill up my time

    同時又嘗試填補時間,

  • by doing all sorts of physical exercise on the spot.

    在原地做不同的體能運動。

  • I tried to pray, I tried all sorts of memorization games.

    我嘗試祈禱、嘗試了各種記憶遊戲。

  • But darkness also creates images and thoughts that are not normal.

    但黑暗也會創造不平常的影像和想法。

  • One part of your brain wants you to resist, to shout, to cry,

    大腦的一邊想讓你反抗、嘶吼、哭泣,

  • and the other part of the brain orders you to shut up

    另一邊卻命令你閉嘴,

  • and just go through it.

    默默忍受這一切。

  • It's a constant internal debate; there is no one to arbitrate.

    這是無休止的內心辯論; 沒有人來做最終的裁決。

  • Once a guard came to me, very aggressively, and he told me,

    有一次,一名看守氣勢洶洶地走過來, 告訴我,

  • "Today you're going to kneel and beg for your food."

    「今天要吃的, 你就得向我下跪乞求。」

  • I wasn't in a good mood, so I insulted him.

    當時我的心情不好,所以就罵他。

  • I insulted his mother, I insulted his ancestors.

    我詛咒了他媽媽、他的祖宗。

  • The consequence was moderate: he threw the food into my waste.

    結果比較溫和: 他將食物扔進了裝排泄物的桶。

  • The day after he came back with the same demand.

    第二天他還是同樣的要求。

  • He got the same answer,

    也得到了同樣的答案,

  • which had the same consequence.

    食物的下場也是一樣。

  • Four days later, the body was full of pain.

    四天之後,我的身體無處不痛。

  • I didn't know hunger hurt so much when you have so little.

    我從前不知道,明明已經一無所有, 飢餓竟然可以讓人如此痛苦。

  • So when the guards came down,

    所以,守衛過來的時候,

  • I knelt.

    我下跪了。

  • I begged for my food.

    我乞求食物。

  • Submission was the only way for me to make it to another candle.

    屈服是獲得另一支蠟燭的唯一辦法。

  • After my kidnapping,

    被綁架之後,

  • I was transferred from North Ossetia to Chechnya,

    我從北奧賽梯,被運到車臣,

  • three days of slow travel in the trunks of different cars,

    漫漫的三天路程, 我被困在不同的車尾箱裡,

  • and upon arrival, I was interrogated

    一到達,我就被審問,

  • for 11 days by a guy called Ruslan.

    一個叫鲁斯兰的人, 審問了我11天。

  • The routine was always the same:

    審問方法總是一樣的:

  • a bit more light, 45 minutes.

    光明延長到45分鐘。

  • He would come down to the cellar,

    他來到地窖,

  • he would ask the guards to tie me on the chair,

    讓看守把我綁在椅子上,

  • and he would turn on the music loud.

    然後把音樂放得很大聲。

  • And then he would yell questions.

    然後,他大聲喊著提問。

  • He would scream. He would beat me.

    他尖叫,還毆打我。

  • I'll spare you the details.

    細節我就不提了。

  • There are many questions I could not understand,

    審問的問題有很多我都不懂,

  • and there are some questions I did not want to understand.

    也有一些是我不願意懂。

  • The length of the interrogation was the duration of the tape:

    審問的時長是帶子的時長:

  • 15 songs, 45 minutes.

    15首歌,45分鐘。

  • I would always long for the last song.

    我總是盼著快點播到最後一首。

  • On one day, one night in that cellar, I don't know what it was,

    有一天,不知道是白天還是夜晚,

  • I heard a child crying above my head,

    我聽到頭頂有一個小孩在哭,

  • a boy, maybe two or three years old.

    是個小男孩,也許兩歲或者三歲。

  • Footsteps, confusion, people running.

    (我聽到)腳步聲、一些混亂,還有人奔跑。

  • So when Ruslan came the day after,

    鲁斯兰第二天過來,

  • before he put the first question to me,

    在他問第一個問題之前,

  • I asked him, "How is your son today? Is he feeling better?"

    我問他「你兒子今天怎樣了? 他好點了嗎?」

  • Ruslan was taken by surprise.

    鲁斯兰吃了一驚。

  • He was furious that the guards may have leaked some details

    他非常生氣,以為這裡的看守 把他的私人生活告訴我了。

  • about his private life.

    他非常生氣,以為這裡的守衛 把他的私人生活告訴我了。

  • I kept talking about NGOs supplying medicines to local clinics

    我一直說,向本地診所 提供藥物的非政府組織

  • that may help his son to get better.

    可能會幫他兒子恢復健康。

  • And we talked about education, we talked about families.

    然後我們談教育, 我們談家庭。

  • He talked to me about his children.

    他跟我講他的孩子。

  • I talked to him about my daughters.

    我跟他講我的女兒。

  • And then he'd talk about guns, about cars, about women,

    然後他要聊槍支、聊汽車、聊女人,

  • and I had to talk about guns, about cars, about women.

    所以我也得聊槍支、聊汽車、聊女人。

  • And we talked until the last song on the tape.

    我們一直聊到最後一首歌。

  • Ruslan was the most brutal man I ever met.

    鲁斯兰是我遇見過最兇殘的男人。

  • He did not touch me anymore.

    他沒有再碰我了。

  • He did not ask any other questions.

    他沒有再問我其他任何問題。

  • I was no longer just a commodity.

    我不再僅僅是一件商品。

  • Two days after, I was transferred to another place.

    兩天之後,我被轉移到另一個地方。

  • There, a guard came to me, very close -- it was quite unusual --

    在那裡,一名看守走到我身邊, 相當靠近——平常不會這樣——

  • and he said with a very soft voice, he said,

    他用很輕很輕的聲音說

  • "I'd like to thank you

    「我要感謝你,

  • for the assistance your organization provided my family

    我們在達吉斯坦流離失所時,

  • when we were displaced in nearby Dagestan."

    你們的組織向我家人提供了幫助。」

  • What could I possibly reply?

    我能說什麼?

  • It was so painful. It was like a blade in the belly.

    實在是太痛苦了。 就像腹中插了一把刀。

  • It took me weeks of internal thinking to try to reconcile

    我花了好幾個星期 去思考、嘗試重新接受

  • the good reasons we had to assist that family

    從前幫助那些家庭

  • and the soldier of fortune he became.

    和像他那樣後來變成僱傭軍的人時, 我們深信的信念。

  • He was young, he was shy.

    他年輕、羞怯。

  • I never saw his face.

    我從沒見過他的臉。

  • He probably meant well.

    他的用意可能是好的。

  • But in those 15 seconds,

    但在那15秒裡,

  • he made me question everything we did,

    他讓我質疑我們以前所做的一切,

  • all the sacrifices.

    所有的犧牲。

  • He made me think also how they see us.

    他讓我開始思考他們對我們的看法。

  • Until then, I had assumed that they know why we are there

    在此之前,我以為他們知道 我們為什麼會在那裡、

  • and what we are doing.

    我們在幹什麼。

  • One cannot assume this.

    但大家不能這樣擅自揣測。

  • Well, explaining why we do this is not that easy,

    解釋我們的行動目的,並不容易,

  • even to our closest relatives.

    即便是對我們最親的親人。

  • We are not perfect, we are not superior,

    我們並不完美,也不高人一等,

  • we are not the world's fire brigade,

    我們不是世界消防隊,

  • we are not superheroes,

    也不是超級英雄,

  • we don't stop wars,

    我們不能阻止戰爭,

  • we know that humanitarian response is not a substitute for political solution.

    我們深知人道主義措施 不能代替政治解決方案。

  • Yet we do this because one life matters.

    但我們仍然堅持工作, 因為每條生命都很寶貴。

  • Sometimes that's the only difference you make --

    有時這就是你力所能及的,

  • one individual, one family, a small group of individuals --

    一條生命、一個家庭、一個小群體,

  • and it matters.

    都很重要。

  • When you have a tsunami, an earthquake or a typhoon,

    海嘯、地震、颱風發生時,

  • you see teams of rescuers coming from all over the world,

    你看見救援隊伍 從世界各地趕往現場,

  • searching for survivors for weeks.

    連續數週搜索倖存者。

  • Why? Nobody questions this.

    為什麼?沒有人去質疑。

  • Every life matters,

    每條生命都很寶貴,

  • or every life should matter.

    或者說,每條生命都應該很寶貴。

  • This is the same for us when we help refugees,

    出於同一原因,我們幫助難民

  • people displaced within their country by conflict, or stateless persons,

    幫助由於衝突而流離失所的人, 無論他們有沒有國籍。

  • I know many people,

    我知道有很多人,

  • when they are confronted by overwhelming suffering,

    當他們面臨不能承受之苦時,

  • they feel powerless and they stop there.

    會覺得無能為力,止步不前。

  • It's a pity, because there are so many ways people can help.

    這很遺憾,因為人們 能給予幫助的方式有很多。

  • We don't stop with that feeling.

    我們不會因為這種無力感而止步。

  • We try to do whatever we can to provide some assistance,

    我們嘗試盡己所能,

  • some protection, some comfort.

    去提供一些幫助、保護和安樂。

  • We have to.

    我們必須這樣做。

  • We can't do otherwise.

    我們別無選擇。

  • It's what makes us feel, I don't know, simply human.

    這能讓我們感覺…感覺到簡單的人道。

  • That's a picture of me the day of my release.

    這是我被釋放當天的照片。

  • Months after my release, I met the then-French prime minister.

    釋放數月後, 我會見了當時的法國總理。

  • The second thing he told me:

    他告訴我的第二件事是:

  • "You were totally irresponsible to go to the North Caucasus.

    「你去北高加索,實在是完全不負責任。

  • You don't know how many problems you've created for us."

    你不知道你給我們帶來了多少麻煩。」

  • It was a short meeting.

    會面很簡短。

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • I think helping people in danger is responsible.

    我相信,幫助身處危難的人 是負責任的行為。

  • In that war, that nobody seriously wanted to stop,

    那場戰爭,沒有人想要真正停戰,

  • and we have many of these today,

    今天我們有很多這樣的戰爭,

  • bringing some assistance to people in need and a bit of protection

    為有需要的人帶去一點幫助、一點保護

  • was not just an act of humanity,

    並不只是人道行為,

  • it was making a real difference for the people.

    這是為人類所做的真正改變。

  • Why could he not understand this?

    為什麼他不能理解這點?

  • We have a responsibility to try.

    我們有責任去嘗試。

  • You've heard about that concept: Responsibility to Protect.

    大家都聽過這個概念: 保護的責任。

  • Outcomes may depend on various parameters.

    成果可能取決於不同的標準。

  • We may even fail, but there is worse than failing --

    我們甚至可能會失敗, 但比失敗更糟糕的是:

  • it's not even trying when we can.

    即便是力所能及,也不去嘗試。

  • Well, if you are met this way, if you sign up for this sort of job,

    假如你有這樣的經歷, 如果你決定加入這類工作,

  • your life is going to be full of joy and sadness,

    你的生活將會充滿快樂和悲傷,

  • because there are a lot of people we cannot help,

    因為我們無法幫助的人有很多,

  • a lot of people we cannot protect, a lot of people we did not save.

    我們無法保護的人有很多, 我們沒能拯救的人有很多。

  • I call them my ghost,

    我稱之為「我的鬼魂」,

  • and by having witnessed their suffering from close,

    近身目睹他們的痛苦,

  • you take a bit of that suffering on yourself.

    你也會感受到其中的痛苦。

  • Many young humanitarian workers

    許多年輕的人道主義工作者

  • go through their first experience with a lot of bitterness.

    初次工作會經歷很多辛酸。