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  • So, why does good sex so often fade,

    為什麼好的性愛容易消逝?

  • even for couples who continue to love each other as much as ever?

    即使對天長地久的夫婦也是一樣

  • And why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex,

    為什麼耳鬢廝磨也無法保證精彩的性愛?

  • contrary to popular belief?

    這一事實與公眾信念相悖

  • Or, the next question would be,

    或者說,還有一種問法

  • can we want what we already have?

    人們能否對已經擁有的東西心生嚮往?

  • That's the million-dollar question, right?

    這可是一個價值百萬的問題,對吧?

  • And why is the forbidden so erotic?

    為什麼禁忌總是如此充滿誘惑?

  • What is it about transgression that makes desire so potent?

    究竟是什麼能讓越軌的欲望變得如此強烈?

  • And why does sex make babies,

    為什麼性愛製造寶寶

  • and babies spell erotic disaster in couples?

    而寶寶卻註定了愛欲的湮滅?

  • It's kind of the fatal erotic blow, isn't it?

    這難道不是熄滅愛火的致命一擊嗎?

  • And when you love, how does it feel?

    愛情是什麼感覺?

  • And when you desire, how is it different?

    欲望又有何不同?

  • These are some of the questions

    這些問題

  • that are at the center of my exploration

    是我探索關於愛欲本質

  • on the nature of erotic desire

    的核心

  • and its concomitant dilemmas in modern love.

    以及由之衍生出來的種種當代戀愛難題

  • So I travel the globe,

    因此,我踏遍全球

  • and what I'm noticing is that

    隨之發現

  • everywhere where romanticism has entered,

    每當浪漫主義進入

  • there seems to be a crisis of desire.

    愛欲危機似乎就要到來

  • A crisis of desire, as in owning the wanting --

    擁有所缺之物會帶來欲望的危機

  • desire as an expression of our individuality,

    欲望是我們對個體的展現

  • of our free choice, of our preferences, of our identity --

    展現我們的自由選擇、我們的偏好、我們的身份

  • desire that has become a central concept

    欲望已成為一個核心概念

  • as part of modern love and individualistic societies.

    存在於當代戀愛中,存在於個人主義社會中

  • You know, this is the first time in the history of humankind

    諸位可知這是人類歷史上第一次

  • where we are trying to experience sexuality in the long term,

    人們想要長期地體驗性生活

  • not because we want 14 children,

    並非因為我們想要14個孩子

  • for which we need to have even more because many of them won't make it,

    或是我們需要生育更多以免一些孩子早夭

  • and not because it is exclusively a woman's marital duty.

    也不是因為這是女性獨有的婚姻義務

  • This is the first time that we want sex over time

    這是我們初次渴望長期活躍的性愛

  • about pleasure and connection that is rooted in desire.

    那份根植於欲望之中的歡愉和羈絆

  • So what sustains desire, and why is it so difficult?

    保持欲望的關鍵是什麼?為什麼如此困難?

  • And at the heart of sustaining desire in a committed relationship,

    在一段婚姻關係中維持欲望的關鍵

  • I think is the reconciliation of two fundamental human needs.

    我認為是兩種基本人類需求的調和

  • On the one hand, our need for security, for predictability,

    一邊是我們對安全和可預知性的需求

  • for safety, for dependability, for reliability, for permanence --

    渴望安定、可靠、可信、永恆

  • all these anchoring, grounding experiences of our lives

    這些都是人生中停船落地的體驗

  • that we call home.

    我們稱之為家

  • But we also have an equally strong need -- men and women --

    但我們無論男女也具有一種同樣強烈的需求

  • for adventure, for novelty, for mystery, for risk, for danger,

    渴望歷險、新奇、神秘、莫測、危險

  • for the unknown, for the unexpected, surprise --

    渴望未知,以及意料之外的驚喜

  • you get the gist -- for journey, for travel.

    你們領悟了吧——這就是旅程

  • So reconciling our need for security

    將我們對安全和冒險的兩種需求

  • and our need for adventure into one relationship,

    調和到一種關係中

  • or what we today like to call a passionate marriage,

    也就是實現我們今天所說的“激情婚姻”

  • used to be a contradiction in terms.

    曾經可是一對矛盾

  • Marriage was an economic institution

    婚姻從前是一項經濟制度

  • in which you were given a partnership for life

    人們被賦予了一個終身合夥關係

  • in terms of children and social status

    關乎後代、社會地位、

  • and succession and companionship.

    繼承權和溫情

  • But now we want our partner to still give us all these things,

    現在我們仍然對婚姻有著同樣的期待

  • but in addition I want you to be my best friend

    但同時也希望配偶是自己最好的朋友、

  • and my trusted confidant and my passionate lover to boot,

    也是值得託付的知己、更是激情澎湃的愛人

  • and we live twice as long.

    而我們的壽命,是前人的兩倍那麼久

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them

    總而言之,我們現在要求那個人

  • to give us what once an entire village used to provide:

    能帶給我們從前全村上下一起提供的東西

  • Give me belonging, give me identity, give me continuity,

    歸屬感、身份、一致性,

  • but give me transcendence and mystery and awe all in one.

    還有超脫、神秘和敬畏

  • Give me comfort, give me edge.

    會帶來舒適感,也製造緊張感;

  • Give me novelty, give me familiarity.

    花樣不斷翻新,卻不脫離熟悉;

  • Give me predictability, give me surprise.

    讓我能夠預知,但也不乏驚喜;

  • And we think it's a given, and toys and lingerie are going to save us with that.

    而我們認為這只要靠情趣用品和情趣內衣就可以搞定了

  • (Applause)

    (掌聲)

  • So now we get to the existential reality of the story, right?

    這會兒我們觸及到了問題的現存真實

  • Because I think, in some way -- and I'll come back to that --

    我認為,從某種意義上(一會兒我會講到)

  • but the crisis of desire is often a crisis of the imagination.

    欲望的危機通常是一種想像力的危機

  • So why does good sex so often fade?

    為什麼好的性愛容易消逝?

  • What is the relationship between love and desire?

    愛和欲是一種什麼關係?

  • How do they relate, and how do they conflict?

    它們如何聯繫,又如何衝突?

  • Because therein lies the mystery of eroticism.

    性衝動的秘密就隱藏於此

  • So if there is a verb, for me, that comes with love, it's "to have."

    對我來說,如果用一個核心動詞來描述愛,那就是“擁有”

  • And if there is a verb that comes with desire, it is "to want."

    而用一個核心動詞來描述欲,那就是“渴望”

  • In love, we want to have, we want to know the beloved.

    沐浴愛河時,我們嚮往擁有,我們希望瞭解摯愛的那個人。

  • We want to minimize the distance. We want to contract that gap.

    我們要千方百計拉近距離,縮小差距,

  • We want to neutralize the tensions. We want closeness.

    減輕緊張,增進親密。

  • But in desire, we tend to not really want to go back to the places we've already gone.

    而欲火中燒時,我們卻並非想要那些已經擁有的東西

  • Forgone conclusion does not keep our interest.

    註定的結局無法引起我們的興趣

  • In desire, we want an Other, somebody on the other side that we can go visit,

    欲望就是我們渴望遠方有另一個人可以去拜訪

  • that we can go spend some time with,

    與之共度一段時光

  • that we can go see what goes on in their red light district.

    去看看他們的紅燈區有什麼事發生

  • In desire, we want a bridge to cross.

    欲火中燒時,我們渴望有座橋去跨越

  • Or in other words, I sometimes say, fire needs air.

    換個說法,我有時說風助火勢

  • Desire needs space.

    而空間成就欲望

  • And when it's said like that, it's often quite abstract.

    這樣的說法可能比較抽象

  • But then I took a question with me.

    但我會問一個(具體的)問題

  • And I've gone to more than 20 countries in the last few years

    過去幾年我到過20多個國家

  • with "Mating in Captivity," and I asked people,

    為了寫作《家中的性(Mating in Captivity)》這本書

  • when do you find yourself most drawn to your partner?

    我詢問人們:“你在什麼情況下覺得伴侶最有魅力?”

  • Not attracted sexually, per se, but most drawn.

    不是性的吸引,而是伴侶本身的魅力

  • And across culture, across religion, and across gender --

    無所謂文化、宗教、和性別的差異

  • except for one -- there are a few answers that just keep coming back.

    有些回答總是重複出現

  • So the first group is: I am most drawn to my partner

    第一組共同的回答是:“我認為伴侶最有魅力的時候,

  • when she is away, when we are apart, when we reunite.

    就是她不在身邊,我們相隔兩地,小別後的重逢時。”

  • Basically, when I get back in touch

    基本上,這些都是

  • with my ability to imagine myself with my partner,

    我能重新想像到與伴侶在一起的情形

  • when my imagination comes back in the picture,

    想像力之所以能回歸

  • and when I can root it in absence and in longing,

    原因在於伴侶不在身邊而產生的渴望

  • which is a major component of desire.

    這份渴望正是欲望的主要成分

  • But then the second group is even more interesting:

    第二組共同的回答則更為有趣:

  • I am most drawn to my partner

    “我認為伴侶最有魅力的時候,

  • when I see him in the studio, when she is onstage,

    “就是看到他在工作室(創作),她在舞臺上(表演);

  • when he is in his element, when she's doing something she's passionate about,

    “當他在自己的領域如魚得水時,當她做著全心熱愛的事情時;

  • when I see him at a party and other people are really drawn to him,

    當我看到他在派對上魅力四射、受到他人歡迎時;

  • when I see her hold court.

    “當我看到她主持庭審時。”

  • Basically, when I look at my partner radiant and confident,

    基本上,這些都是看到了對方光彩照人、自信煥發的時刻,

  • probably the biggest turn-on across the board.

    這可能是最重大、最全方位的興奮點

  • Radiant, as in self-sustaining.

    容光煥發,自立自足。

  • I look at this person -- by the way, in desire

    “我凝視著這個人”——而且還帶著欲望

  • people rarely talk about it, when we are blended into one,

    人們很少說“當我們合而為一時”

  • five centimeters from each other. I don't know in inches how much that is.

    “相距僅5公分。”我不知道(5公分)是多少英寸(但至少說明距離不太近)

  • But it's also not when the other person is that far apart

    對方也並沒有在太遙遠的地方

  • that you no longer see them.

    以至於你看不到他們

  • It's when I'm looking at my partner from a comfortable distance,

    我是在一個舒適的距離看著我的伴侶

  • where this person that is already so familiar, so known,

    當這個我已經非常熟悉、非常瞭解的人

  • is momentarily once again somewhat mysterious, somewhat elusive.

    頃刻間有變回了那個有些神秘、難以捉摸的人

  • And in this space between me and the other lies the erotic élan,

    在我與對方的空間之中醞釀著性衝動

  • lies that movement toward the other.

    這裡隱含著通向對方的行動

  • Because sometimes, as Proust says,

    有時候,就像普魯斯特所過的

  • mystery is not about traveling to new places,

    神秘“並不是去往新的風光,

  • but it's about looking with new eyes.

    而在於擁有新的眼光。”

  • And so, when I see my partner on his own or her own,

    因而,當我看到伴侶獨自一人

  • doing something in which they are enveloped,

    在獨特的氛圍中做著擅長的事

  • I look at this person and I momentarily get a shift in perception,

    我馬上就有了一個視角的轉換

  • and I stay open to the mysteries that are living right next to me.

    我對身邊的這個謎一樣的人保持著開放之心

  • And then, more importantly, in this description about the other

    更重要的一點是,在這條關於對方的描述中

  • or myself -- it's the same -- what is most interesting

    關於自己的描述也一樣,有一點尤其有趣

  • is that there is no neediness in desire.

    那就是欲望中無所謂需要

  • Nobody needs anybody.

    誰也不需要誰

  • There is no caretaking in desire.

    欲望中沒有關懷

  • Caretaking is mightily loving. It's a powerful anti-aphrodisiac.

    關懷絕對屬於愛情的範疇,它能夠強力地消除性欲

  • I have yet to see somebody who is so turned on

    我還未見到過有誰的衝動

  • by somebody who needs them.

    來源於需要他們的人

  • Wanting them is one thing. Needing them is a shutdown,

    渴望對方能激發衝動,需要對方卻能阻止衝動

  • and women have known that forever,

    女性向來深知這點

  • because anything that will bring up parenthood

    任何能激發母性的東西

  • will usually decrease the erotic charge.

    一般都能降低情欲水準

  • For good reasons, right?

    這並非毫無道理吧?

  • And then the third group of answers usually would be

    第三組共同的回答通常會是

  • when I'm surprised, when we laugh together,

    “當我感覺驚訝時,當我們一起歡笑時”

  • as somebody said to me in the office today,

    今天有人在辦公室告訴我:

  • when he's in his tux, so I said, you know,

    “當他穿上燕尾服的時候。”你們知道,

  • it's either the tux or the cowboy boots.

    要不就是燕尾服,要不就是牛仔靴

  • But basically it's when there is novelty.

    但基本上,都是出現了新穎元素的情形

  • But novelty isn't about new positions. It isn't a repertoire of techniques.

    新穎並不是說一定要有新體位,以及一大堆技巧

  • Novelty is, what parts of you do you bring out?

    新穎的關鍵是,你要表現自己的哪些部分?

  • What parts of you are just being seen?

    你要把哪些部分拿給對方看?

  • Because in some way one could say

    在某種意義上,我們可以說

  • sex isn't something you do, eh?

    性愛的奧妙並不在於你做了什麼

  • Sex is a place you go. It's a space you enter

    而在於你要達到什麼境界

  • inside yourself and with another, or others.

    對自己對他人皆然

  • So where do you go in sex?

    你要達到什麼境界?

  • What parts of you do you connect to?

    你連結了哪些部分?

  • What do you seek to express there?

    你追求什麼樣的表達?

  • Is it a place for transcendence and spiritual union?

    是一種超脫的靈魂結合嗎?

  • Is it a place for naughtiness and is it a place to be safely aggressive?

    是調皮搗蛋嗎?是安全地挑釁嗎?

  • Is it a place where you can finally surrender

    是要終於示一示弱,

  • and not have to take responsibility for everything?

    不再需要事事兼顧嗎?

  • Is it a place where you can express your infantile wishes?

    是不是要表達孩子氣的願望?

  • What comes out there? It's a language.

    你想要什麼結果?這是一種語言,

  • It isn't just a behavior.

    而不僅僅是一種行為。

  • And it's the poetic of that language that I'm interested in,

    這種語言的詩意所在才是我感興趣的

  • which is why I began to explore this concept of erotic intelligence.

    也是我之所以開始研究“愛欲情商”這個概念的原因

  • You know, animals have sex.

    大家都知道動物的性行為

  • It's the pivot, it's biology, it's the natural instinct.

    這是一個重點,是生物學,是自然本能。

  • We are the only ones who have an erotic life,

    人類是唯一具有性生活的物種

  • which means that it's sexuality transformed by the human imagination.

    這表明人類的性行為經過了想像力的加工轉換

  • We are the only ones who can make love for hours,

    唯獨人類的性愛可以持續數小時之久

  • have a blissful time, multiple orgasms,

    飄飄欲仙,數次高潮

  • and touch nobody, just because we can imagine it.

    完成這些甚至可以全靠想像而無需觸碰任何人

  • We can hint at it. We don't even have to do it.

    我們可以靠暗示,甚至無需付諸動作

  • We can experience that powerful thing called anticipation,

    期盼是我們能體驗到的一種強大的武器

  • which is a mortar to desire,

    來產生欲望

  • the ability to imagine it, as if it's happening,

    仿佛身臨其境的想像力

  • to experience it as if it's happening, while nothing is happening

    沒有什麼實際事件發生而能產生精神體驗

  • and everything is happening at the same time.

    還是甚為豐富的精神體驗

  • So when I began to think about eroticism,

    我開始思考性喚起

  • I began to think about the poetics of sex,

    開始研究關於性的詩歌

  • and if I look at it as an intelligence,

    如果它是一種智慧

  • then it's something that you cultivate.

    就說明它是能夠被培養的

  • What are the ingredients? Imagination, playfulness,

    它的構成元素是什麼?想像、戲謔

  • novelty, curiosity, mystery.

    新穎、好奇、神秘。

  • But the central agent is really that piece called the imagination.

    但其中最關鍵的部分當屬想像力

  • But more importantly, for me to begin to understand

    但對我的研究更為重要的是

  • who are the couples who have an erotic spark,

    要想明白激情四射的夫妻都有什麼特徵

  • what sustains desire, I had to go back

    欲望又是靠什麼來維持的

  • to the original definition of eroticism,

    我需要重新審視性喚起的定義

  • the mystical definition, and I went through it

    這一神秘的定義

  • through a bifurcation by looking actually at trauma,

    我從反面來看待這個問題

  • which is the other side, and I looked at it

    去檢驗“創傷”的定義

  • looking at the community that I had grown up in,

    我來到小時候居住的社區

  • which was a community in Belgium, all Holocaust survivors,

    那是一個居住著大屠殺倖存者的比利時的社區

  • and in my community there were two groups:

    在那裡有兩組人

  • those who didn't die, and those who came back to life.

    一組是大難不死,一組是劫後還生

  • And those who didn't die lived often very tethered to the ground,

    大難不死的那組人往往苟且偷生

  • could not experience pleasure, could not trust,

    無法感受歡樂,也無法給予信任,

  • because when you're vigilant, worried, anxious,

    因為他們小心翼翼,煩惱重重,憂慮無數,

  • and insecure, you can't lift your head

    擔驚受怕,就無法抬頭挺胸,

  • to go and take off in space and be playful and safe and imaginative.

    就無法堂堂正正地享受歡樂、心安,就無法充滿想像力;

  • Those who came back to life were those

    而劫後還生的那組人

  • who understood the erotic as an antidote to death.

    他們認為性喚起是死亡的一劑解藥

  • They knew how to keep themselves alive.

    他們知道如何求生

  • And when I began to listen to the sexlessness of the couples that I work with,

    當我為缺乏性生活的夫妻提供諮詢時

  • I sometimes would hear people say, "I want more sex,"

    常常聽到他們說“我想要更多的性愛”

  • but generally people want better sex,

    但通常人們想要的是更好的性愛

  • and better is to reconnect with that quality of aliveness,

    “更好”的意思是要把性重新變得充滿活力、

  • of vibrancy, of renewal, of vitality, of eros, of energy

    生機、更新、持續、性和能量,

  • that sex used to afford them, or that they've hoped

    就像性愛從前能帶給他們的那樣,

  • it would afford them.

    或者說他們認為如此。

  • And so I began to ask a different question.

    於是我問了另外一個問題:

  • "I shut myself off when ..." began to be the question.

    “我在什麼情況下讓自己性致全無?”成了新的問題。

  • "I turn off my desires when ..." which is not the same question as,

    “我在什麼情況下熄滅了自己的欲火?”這與先前的問題不一樣:

  • "What turns me of is ..." and "You turn me off when ..."

    “是什麼讓我性致全無?”“你在什麼情況下讓我性致全無?”

  • And people began to say, "I turn myself off when

    人們開始回答“我讓自己性致全無的原因有,

  • I feel dead inside, when I don't like my body,

    是我覺得了無生趣,當我不喜歡自己的身體,

  • when I feel old, when I haven't had time for myself,

    當我感到年華老去,沒有屬於自己的時間

  • when I haven't had a chance to even check in with you,

    當我找不到機會跟你好好談談,

  • when I don't perform well at work,

    當我工作不順,

  • when I feel low self esteem, when I don't have a sense of self-worth,

    當我不再自信,當我感到自己的存在沒什麼價值,

  • when I don't feel like I have a right to want, to take,

    當我感覺自己沒有權利去渴求,去索取,

  • to receive pleasure."

    去享受歡樂。”

  • And then I began to ask the reverse question.

    然後我詢問了相反的問題:

  • "I turn myself on when ..." Because most of the time,

    “我在什麼情況下性致勃勃?”因為多數時候,

  • people like to ask the question, "You turn me on,

    人們喜歡問的重點是:“你激發了我,”

  • what turns me on," and I'm out of the question. You know?

    “外物激發了我,”而“我”本人不在問題的考量之中。

  • Now, if you are dead inside, the other person can do a lot of things for Valentine's.

    如果你自身感覺了無生趣,就算另一伴為了過情人節做很多事

  • It won't make a dent. There is nobody at the reception desk.

    而你毫無感覺,因為沒人在前臺接待。

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • So I turn myself on when,

    所以,關鍵是“我”如何激發自己,

  • I turn my desires, I wake up when ...

    “我”被欲望喚起的情形有哪些。

  • Now, in this paradox between love and desire,

    在愛和欲的悖論之中

  • what seems to be so