who was an incredibly loving brother.

他是個富有愛心的好兄弟。

Now, one thing about being a twin is that it makes you an expert

要知道，做為雙胞胎，你很快就在某件事上成為專家，

at spotting favoritism.

那就是注意到偏愛。

If his cookie was even slightly bigger than my cookie, I had questions.

如果他的餅乾比我的大，哪怕只是一丁點，我就會質疑。

And clearly, I wasn't starving.

很顯然，我也沒餓著。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

When I became a psychologist, I began to notice favoritism of a different kind,

當我成為一名心理學家，我開始注意到另一種偏愛，

and that is how much more we value the body than we do the mind.

那就是我們對自己的身體比精神更為珍視。

I spent nine years at university earning my doctorate in psychology,

我花了九年時間獲得心理學博士學位，

and I can't tell you how many people look at my business card and say,

但不知道有多少人會看了我的名片就說：

"Oh, a psychologist. So not a real doctor,"

「哦，是個心理學家，原來不是真正的醫生。」

as if it should say that on my card.

好像我的名片上就該這樣註明：

(Laughter)

「只是心理醫生（不是真正的醫生）沒錯，很讓人失望」（笑聲）

This favoritism we show the body over the mind, I see it everywhere.

這種對身體多過精神的偏愛隨處可見。

I recently was at a friend's house,

我最近拜訪朋友家，

and their five-year-old was getting ready for bed.

他們五歲的小孩正準備上床睡覺。

He was standing on a stool by the sink brushing his teeth,

他站在小凳子上，在洗手盤邊刷牙，

when he slipped, and scratched his leg on the stool when he fell.

然後他滑倒了，摔到的時候刮傷了他的腿。

He cried for a minute, but then he got back up,

他哭了幾聲，隨後就爬起來，

got back on the stool, and reached out for a box of Band-Aids to put one on his cut.

站回小凳子上，拿了一個 OK 蹦貼在自己的傷口上。

Now, this kid could barely tie his shoelaces,

這孩子剛剛學會繫鞋帶，

but he knew you have to cover a cut, so it doesn't become infected,

但他都知道要保護傷口以免感染，

and you have to care for your teeth by brushing twice a day.

同時還要一天刷兩次牙來保護牙齒。

We all know how to maintain our physical health

我們都知道怎樣保持身體的健康，

and how to practice dental hygiene, right?

還有怎樣保持牙齒衛生，對嗎？

We've known it since we were five years old.

我們從五歲起就知道這些東西了。

But what do we know about maintaining our psychological health?

但是我們知道怎樣保持精神上的健康嗎？

Well, nothing.

完全不知道。

What do we teach our children about emotional hygiene?

我們教孩子們情緒保健嗎？

Nothing.

完全沒有。

How is it that we spend more time taking care of our teeth

為什麽我們花在照顧牙齒上的時間

than we do our minds.

比花在關注精神健康的時間還多呢？

Why is it that our physical health is so much more important to us

為什麽我們那麽重視身體健康

than our psychological health?

遠遠多於心理健康呢？

We sustain psychological injuries even more often than we do physical ones,

我們承受心理上的傷害比身體上的多得多，

injuries like failure or rejection or loneliness.

例如失敗，被拒絕，孤獨。

And they can also get worse if we ignore them,

如果我們忽視它們，情況也可能惡化，

and they can impact our lives in dramatic ways.

它們同樣會給我們的生活帶來重大的影響。

And yet, even though there are scientifically proven techniques

然而，雖然有科學證實的療法來幫助我們治療這些心理上的傷害，

we could use to treat these kinds of psychological injuries,

我們卻不採取行動。

we don't.

我們甚至都沒意識到我們應該採取行動。

It doesn't even occur to us that we should.

「哦，你感到憂鬱嗎？別去想了，那都在你腦袋裡面。」

"Oh, you're feeling depressed? Just shake it off; it's all in your head."

你能想像對一個斷了腿的人說這樣的話嗎？

Can you imagine saying that to somebody with a broken leg:

「哦，走走就好了，都在你腿上而已。」

"Oh, just walk it off; it's all in your leg."

（笑聲）

(Laughter)

我們應該消除這種對身體和精神健康的區別對待。

It is time we closed the gap between our physical and our psychological health.

應該把兩者平等對待，

It's time we made them more equal,

像雙胞胎一樣。

more like twins.

說起雙胞胎，我哥哥也是個心理醫生。

Speaking of which, my brother is also a psychologist.

所以他也不算是真正的醫生。

So he's not a real doctor, either.

（笑聲）

(Laughter)

不過我們並沒有一起上學。

We didn't study together, though.

事實上，我這輩子經歷過的最困難的事

In fact, the hardest thing I've ever done in my life

就是跨過大西洋搬到紐約

is move across the Atlantic to New York City

攻讀心理學的博士學位。

to get my doctorate in psychology.

那是我們倆這輩子第一次分隔兩地，

We were apart then for the first time in our lives,

這個分離對我倆來說都很殘酷。

and the separation was brutal for both of us.

當他和家人朋友一起時，

But while he remained among family and friends,

我卻孤單地遠在另一個國度。

I was alone in a new country.

我們都非常想念對方，

We missed each other terribly,

但那時候國際長途都很貴，

but international phone calls were really expensive then

我們每週通話只能是五分鐘。

and we could only afford to speak for five minutes a week.

當我們生日快到了的時候，

When our birthday rolled around,

那是我們第一次不能在一起過生日。

it was the first we wouldn't be spending together.

我們決定奢侈一回，那個星期我們要聊十分鐘。

We decide to splurge, and that week we would talk for 10 minutes.

那天早上，我一直在房間裡踱步，等著我哥哥給我打過來 －

I spent the morning pacing around my room, waiting for him to call --

我等啊等啊，電話就是不響。

and waiting and waiting, but the phone didn't ring.

由於時差的關係，我就想：

Given the time difference, I assumed,

「好吧，他一定是和朋友在一起，他晚點兒就會打來的。」

"Ok, he's out with friends, he will call later."

那時候也沒有手機。

There were no cell phones then.

但他始終沒打來。

But he didn't.

我開始意識到，離開十個多月以後，

And I began to realize that after being away for over 10 months,

他不再像我想他那樣想我了。

he no longer missed me the way I missed him.

我知道他早上給我打電話，

I knew he would call in the morning,

但那一晚是我一生中最傷心，最漫長的一晚。

but that night was one of the saddest and longest nights of my life.

第二天早上醒來，

I woke up the next morning.

我瞅了一眼電話，意識到自己把電話線踹飛了，

I glanced down at the phone, and I realized I had kicked it off the hook

就在昨天來回踱步時踹飛的。

when pacing the day before.

我迷迷糊糊跳下床，

I stumbled out off bed,

我剛把電話插回接口，一秒鐘之後電話就響了。

I put the phone back on the receiver, and it rang a second later,

是我哥哥打來的，他可氣壞了。

and it was my brother, and, boy, was he pissed.

（笑聲）

(Laughter)

那也是他一生中最傷心漫長的一夜。

It was the saddest and longest night of his life as well.

當我跟他解釋事情的經過，他說：

Now I tried to explain what happened, but he said,

「我真不明白。如果你意識到我沒給你打電話，

"I don't understand. If you saw I wasn't calling you,

那你為什麽不打給我呢？」

why didn't you just pick up the phone and call me?"

他說的對。我為什麽沒有打給他呢？

He was right. Why didn't I call him?

我當時無法解釋，但我現在明白了，

I didn't have an answer then, but I do today,

非常簡單的原因：孤獨。

and it's a simple one: loneliness.

孤獨導致深重的心理創傷，

Loneliness creates a deep psychological wound,

扭曲我們的感知能力，剝奪我們的思考能力。

one that distorts our perceptions and scrambles our thinking.

它使我們以為身邊的人不再在乎我們。

It makes us believe that those around us care much less than they actually do.

它使我們不敢與人聯絡，

It makes us really afraid to reach out,

何必自取其辱被拒絕呢，

because why set yourself up for rejection and heartache

你的心還不夠痛嗎？

when your heart is already aching more than you can stand?

我那個時候被孤獨緊緊包裹著，

I was in the grips of real loneliness back then,

但我總和別人在一起，我自己都沒意識到。

but I was surrounded by people all day, so it never occurred to me.

但孤獨是完全主觀的定義。

But loneliness is defined purely subjectively.

它完全取決於你是否覺得

It depends solely on whether you feel

在情緒上或是交際上和你周圍的人相隔絕。

emotionally or socially disconnected from those around you.

我當時是這樣的。

And I did.

我們有很多關於孤獨的研究，而且都很可怕。

There is a lot of research on loneliness, and all of it is horrifying.

孤獨不僅讓你覺得淒慘，它還可能致命。

Loneliness won't just make you miserable, it will kill you.

我可不是開玩笑。

I'm not kidding.

長期的孤獨會增加早逝的可能性

Chronic loneliness increases your likelihood of an early death

高達14%之多。

by 14 percent.

孤獨可以導致高血壓、高膽固醇，

Loneliness causes high blood pressure, high cholesterol.

它甚至會影響你的免疫系統，

It even suppress the functioning of your immune system,

使你容易患上各種疾病。

making you vulnerable to all kinds of illnesses and diseases.

事實上，科學家已經得出結論，

In fact, scientists have concluded that taken together,

長期的孤獨對你的健康和長壽的負面影響

chronic loneliness poses as significant a risk

比抽煙還要糟。

for your longterm health and longevity as cigarette smoking.

香煙的包裝上還寫了「吸煙致命」的警示呢。

Now cigarette packs come with warnings saying, "This could kill you."

可孤獨沒有。

But loneliness doesn't.

這就是我們為什麽要重視心理健康，

And that's why it's so important that we prioritize our psychological health,

要注意保持情緒健康。

that we practice emotional hygiene.

因為，你無法治癒心理上的創傷，

Because you can't treat a psychological wound

如果你都不知道自己受到了傷害的話。

if you don't even know you're injured.

「關注情感痛苦」

Loneliness isn't the only psychological wound

孤獨不是唯一可能扭曲及誤導我們的心理創傷。

that distorts our perceptions and misleads us.

「失敗」也有同樣效果。

Failure does that as well.

我曾參觀過一間幼稚園，

I once visited a day care center,

在那兒我觀察了三個兒童,在玩完全一樣的塑膠玩具。

where I saw three toddlers play with identical plastic toys.

你將紅色的按鈕滑開，然後一隻可愛的小狗就會跳出來。

You had to slide the red button, and a cute doggie would pop out.

一個小女孩對紫色的鈕又拉又按，

One little girl tried pulling the purple button, then pushing it,

然後她就坐下來，瞧著那盒子，下嘴唇開始發顫。

and then she just sat back and looked at the box, with her lower lip trembling.

她旁邊的一個小男孩看到這一幕，

The little boy next to her watched this happen,

再看著他的盒子，都沒動手就哇哇大哭了。

then turned to his box and and burst into tears without even touching it.

與此同時，另一個小女孩試了各種方法，

Meanwhile, another little girl tried everything she could think of

直到她滑動了那個紅色按鈕，

until she slid the red button,

可愛的小狗跳了出來，她開心地叫了起來。

the cute doggie popped out, and she squealed with delight.

同樣的塑膠玩具給了這三個幼兒，

So three toddlers with identical plastic toys,

但他們對失敗的反應截然不同。

but with very different reactions to failure.

前兩個小孩完全有能力滑動那個紅鈕。

The first two toddlers were perfectly capable of sliding a red button.

唯一阻止他們成功的因素

The only thing that prevented them from succeeding

就是他們被自己的想法給騙了，以為自己做不到。

was that their mind tricked them into believing they could not.

其實，成年人也經常中這樣的圈套。

Now, adults get tricked this way as well, all the time.

事實上，我們都有一個固定的思維感知模式，

In fact, we all have a default set of feelings and beliefs that gets triggered

每當我們感到沮喪，受到挫折時，我們便會進入這個模式。

whenever we encounter frustrations and setbacks.

你清不清楚你是怎麽對應失敗的？

Are you aware of how your mind reacts to failure?

你應該清楚。

You need to be.

因為如果你的頭腦告訴你，你做不到什麽事，

Because if your mind tries to convince you you're incapable of something

而你相信了的話，

and you believe it,

你就會像那前兩個小孩，開始感到無助，

then like those two toddlers, you'll begin to feel helpless

然後你很快就放棄了，甚至都不去試一下。

and you'll stop trying too soon, or you won't even try at all.

然後你就更加確信自己成功不了。

And then you'll be even more convinced you can't succeed.

你看，這就是為什麽那麽多人都無法充分發揮他們的潛能。

You see, that's why so many people function below their actual potential.

因為半途中會有那麽一次失敗，

Because somewhere along the way, sometimes a single failure

讓他們確信自己不能成功。

convinced them that they couldn't succeed, and they believed it.

我們一旦被某件事說服，往往就很難改變主意。

Once we become convinced of something, it's very difficult to change our mind.

我十幾歲的時候，和我哥哥一起，經歷了一些困難才明白這個道理。

I learned that lesson the hard way when I was a teenager with my brother.

有一天晚上，我倆和朋友們在一條很黑的路上開著車。

We were driving with friends down a dark road at night,

一輛警車把我們攔住了。

when a police car stopped us.

附近發生了搶劫，警察在追蹤嫌犯。

There had been a robbery in the area and they were looking for suspects.

警察走到車邊，對司機晃了晃手電筒，

The officer approached the car, and he shined his flashlight on the driver,

又照了照坐在副駕駛的我哥哥，然後照到了我。

then on my brother in the front seat, and then on me.

他瞪大了眼睛說道，

And his eyes opened wide and he said,

「我在哪兒見過你吧？」

"Where have I seen your face before?"

（笑聲）

(Laughter)

我說：「副駕駛座上。」

And I said, "In the front seat."

（笑聲）

(Laughter)

但對他來說，我的回答莫名其妙。

But that made no sense to him whatsoever.

所以他認為我嗑了藥。

So now he thought I was on drugs.

（笑聲）

(Laughter)

於是他把我拖出車，又搜了我的身，

So he drags me out of the car, he searches me,

他把我押到警車那裡，

he marches me over to the police car,

直到他驗證了我並沒有犯罪記錄，

and only when he verified I didn't have a police record,

我才有機會解釋我和副駕駛座位上的是雙胞胎。

could I show him I had a twin in the front seat.

但是直到我們把車開走，你仍可以看到他的表情，

But even as we were driving away, you could see by the look on his face

他認定我肯定是幹了什麽壞事。

he was convinced that I was getting away with something.

一旦我們認定了某件事情，我們很難改變看法。

Our mind is hard to change once we become convinced.

所以當你失敗了，感到意氣消沉是很自然的。

So it might be very natural to feel demoralized and defeated after you fail.

但是你不能允許自己相信自己不可能成功。

But you cannot allow yourself to become convinced you can't succeed.

你要和那種無助的感覺鬥爭。

You have to fight feelings of helplessness.

你要重新控制局面。

You have to gain control over the situation.

而且必須在這種負能量開始循環前就打破它。

And you have to break this kind of negative cycle before it begins.

「停止情緒流血」

Our minds and our feelings,

我們的想法和感覺，

they're not the trustworthy friends we thought they were.

不像我們想像中那麽信得過的朋友。

They are more like a really moody friend,

它們更像是一個非常情緒化的朋友，

who can be totally supportive one minute, and really unpleasant the next.

有時非常支持你，有時卻令人不愉快。

I once worked with this woman

我以前的一個女同事

who after 20 years marriage and an extremely ugly divorce,

她結婚 20 年之後離婚了，婚離得很慘烈，

was finally ready for her first date.

然後她終於準備好開始新的約會。

She had met this guy online, and he seemed nice and he seemed successful,

她在網上認識了這個男的。他看上去人很好也很成功，

and most importantly, he seemed really into her.

最重要的是，他似乎真的很喜歡她。

So she was very excited, she bought a new dress,

她非常興奮，還為約會買了新裙子，

and they met at an upscale New York City bar for a drink.

然後他們相約在紐約的一家高級酒吧裡喝一杯。

Ten minutes into the date, the man stands up and says,

約會才進行了10分鐘，那位男士站起來說，

"I'm not interested," and walks out.

「我沒興趣了。」 然後就走了。

Rejection is extremely painful.

被拒絕是極其痛苦的。

The woman was so hurt she couldn't move. All she could do was call a friend.

這位女士非常受傷，無法彈動。於是她給一個朋友打電話。

Here's what the friend said: "Well, what do you expect?

她朋友是這樣說的：「那妳還想怎樣？

You have big hips, you have nothing interesting to say,

妳又胖又沒有什麽好聊，

why would a handsome, successful man like that

為什麽一個英俊的成功男士

ever go out with a loser like you?"

會和妳這樣的失敗者約會呢？」

Shocking, right, that a friend could be so cruel?

太不像話了，對吧，朋友怎麽可以這樣冷酷無情？

But it would be much less shocking

這或許聽上去不太過分，

if I told you it wasn't the friend who said that.

要是我告訴你，這話不是朋友說的。

It's what the woman said to herself.

這其實是那位女士對自己說的。

And that's something we all do, especially after a rejection.

我們都幹過這事兒，尤其是被拒絕之後。

We all start thinking of all our faults and all our shortcomings,

我們開始去想我們犯的錯，我們的缺點，

what we wish we were, what we wish we weren't,

我們要是這樣就好了，要是不那樣就好了，

we call ourselves names.

我們給自己起外號。

Maybe not as harshly, but we all do it.

也許程度不同，但我們都幹過這事。

And it's interesting that we do, because our self-esteem is already hurting.

有趣的是，我們竟然會這樣做，因為自尊本來就受到傷害了。

Why would we want to go and damage it even further?

我們為什麽會進一步傷害自尊心？

We wouldn't make a physical injury worse on purpose.

要是身體受傷了，我們不會故意把它弄得更糟。

You wouldn't get a cut on your arm and decide, "Oh, I know!

你胳膊上有個傷口，你不會說，「啊，我知道！

I'm going to take a knife and see how much deeper I can make it."

我要拿把刀看我到底能捅多深。」

But we do that with psychological injuries all the time.

但是我們經常如此對待心理傷害。

Why? Because of poor emotional hygiene.

為什麽？因為心理保健意識很糟糕。

Because we don't prioritize our psychological health.

因為我們不重視心理健康。

We know from dozens of studies that when your self-esteem is lower,

很多研究表明，如果你的自尊心低落，

you are more vulnerable to stress and to anxiety,

你就更容易感到壓力和焦慮，

that failures and rejections hurt more and it takes longer to recover from them.

失敗和拒絕會傷害你更深，你也需要更多的時間復原。

So when you get rejected, the first thing you should be doing

所以如果你被拒絕了，首先應該做的事情是

is to revive your self-esteem, not join Fight Club and beat it into a pulp.

重新激活你的自尊心，而不是去瘋狂地打擊自尊心來發泄。

When you're in emotional pain,

當你在經歷感情上的痛苦，

treat yourself with the same compassion you would expect from a truly good friend.

像真正的好朋友那樣關護自己。

We have to catch our unhealthy psychological habits and change them.

「保護你的自尊心」

One of unhealthiest and most common is called rumination.

我們需要改變不健康的心理習慣。

To ruminate means to chew over.

最常見又最不健康的習慣之一就是想太多。

It's when your boss yells at you, or your professor makes you feel stupid in class,

事後反覆回想一件事。

or you have big fight with a friend

比如你的老板衝你發脾氣了，或是教授在課上讓你感覺愚蠢，

and you just can't stop replaying the scene in your head for days,

或是你和好朋友吵架了，

sometimes for weeks on end.

然後你不斷的在腦海裡回放當時的情況，好幾天，

Ruminating about upsetting events in this way can easily become a habit,

甚至好幾個禮拜都不停。

and it's a very costly one.

反覆回味不愉快的事很容易變成習慣，

Because by spending so much time focused on upsetting and negative thoughts,

而這個習慣代價很大。

you are actually putting yourself at significant risk

因為當你花這麽多時間在不愉快和負面的事情上，

for developing clinical depression, alcoholism, eating disorders,

就是把自己放在一個非常危險的境地，