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  • I grew up with my identical twin,

    我和我的雙胞胎哥哥一起長大,

  • who was an incredibly loving brother.

    他是個富有愛心的好兄弟。

  • Now, one thing about being a twin is that it makes you an expert

    要知道,做為雙胞胎,你很快就在某件事上成為專家,

  • at spotting favoritism.

    那就是注意到偏愛。

  • If his cookie was even slightly bigger than my cookie, I had questions.

    如果他的餅乾比我的大,哪怕只是一丁點,我就會質疑。

  • And clearly, I wasn't starving.

    很顯然,我也沒餓著。

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • When I became a psychologist, I began to notice favoritism of a different kind,

    當我成為一名心理學家,我開始注意到另一種偏愛,

  • and that is how much more we value the body than we do the mind.

    那就是我們對自己的身體比精神更為珍視。

  • I spent nine years at university earning my doctorate in psychology,

    我花了九年時間獲得心理學博士學位,

  • and I can't tell you how many people look at my business card and say,

    但不知道有多少人會看了我的名片就說:

  • "Oh, a psychologist. So not a real doctor,"

    「哦,是個心理學家,原來不是真正的醫生。」

  • as if it should say that on my card.

    好像我的名片上就該這樣註明:

  • (Laughter)

    「只是心理醫生(不是真正的醫生)沒錯,很讓人失望」(笑聲)

  • This favoritism we show the body over the mind, I see it everywhere.

    這種對身體多過精神的偏愛隨處可見。

  • I recently was at a friend's house,

    我最近拜訪朋友家,

  • and their five-year-old was getting ready for bed.

    他們五歲的小孩正準備上床睡覺。

  • He was standing on a stool by the sink brushing his teeth,

    他站在小凳子上,在洗手盤邊刷牙,

  • when he slipped, and scratched his leg on the stool when he fell.

    然後他滑倒了,摔到的時候刮傷了他的腿。

  • He cried for a minute, but then he got back up,

    他哭了幾聲,隨後就爬起來,

  • got back on the stool, and reached out for a box of Band-Aids to put one on his cut.

    站回小凳子上,拿了一個 OK 蹦貼在自己的傷口上。

  • Now, this kid could barely tie his shoelaces,

    這孩子剛剛學會繫鞋帶,

  • but he knew you have to cover a cut, so it doesn't become infected,

    但他都知道要保護傷口以免感染,

  • and you have to care for your teeth by brushing twice a day.

    同時還要一天刷兩次牙來保護牙齒。

  • We all know how to maintain our physical health

    我們都知道怎樣保持身體的健康,

  • and how to practice dental hygiene, right?

    還有怎樣保持牙齒衛生,對嗎?

  • We've known it since we were five years old.

    我們從五歲起就知道這些東西了。

  • But what do we know about maintaining our psychological health?

    但是我們知道怎樣保持精神上的健康嗎?

  • Well, nothing.

    完全不知道。

  • What do we teach our children about emotional hygiene?

    我們教孩子們情緒保健嗎?

  • Nothing.

    完全沒有。

  • How is it that we spend more time taking care of our teeth

    為什麽我們花在照顧牙齒上的時間

  • than we do our minds.

    比花在關注精神健康的時間還多呢?

  • Why is it that our physical health is so much more important to us

    為什麽我們那麽重視身體健康

  • than our psychological health?

    遠遠多於心理健康呢?

  • We sustain psychological injuries even more often than we do physical ones,

    我們承受心理上的傷害比身體上的多得多,

  • injuries like failure or rejection or loneliness.

    例如失敗,被拒絕,孤獨。

  • And they can also get worse if we ignore them,

    如果我們忽視它們,情況也可能惡化,

  • and they can impact our lives in dramatic ways.

    它們同樣會給我們的生活帶來重大的影響。

  • And yet, even though there are scientifically proven techniques

    然而,雖然有科學證實的療法來幫助我們治療這些心理上的傷害,

  • we could use to treat these kinds of psychological injuries,

    我們卻不採取行動。

  • we don't.

    我們甚至都沒意識到我們應該採取行動。

  • It doesn't even occur to us that we should.

    「哦,你感到憂鬱嗎?別去想了,那都在你腦袋裡面。」

  • "Oh, you're feeling depressed? Just shake it off; it's all in your head."

    你能想像對一個斷了腿的人說這樣的話嗎?

  • Can you imagine saying that to somebody with a broken leg:

    「哦,走走就好了,都在你腿上而已。」

  • "Oh, just walk it off; it's all in your leg."

    (笑聲)

  • (Laughter)

    我們應該消除這種對身體和精神健康的區別對待。

  • It is time we closed the gap between our physical and our psychological health.

    應該把兩者平等對待,

  • It's time we made them more equal,

    像雙胞胎一樣。

  • more like twins.

    說起雙胞胎,我哥哥也是個心理醫生。

  • Speaking of which, my brother is also a psychologist.

    所以他也不算是真正的醫生。

  • So he's not a real doctor, either.

    (笑聲)

  • (Laughter)

    不過我們並沒有一起上學。

  • We didn't study together, though.

    事實上,我這輩子經歷過的最困難的事

  • In fact, the hardest thing I've ever done in my life

    就是跨過大西洋搬到紐約

  • is move across the Atlantic to New York City

    攻讀心理學的博士學位。

  • to get my doctorate in psychology.

    那是我們倆這輩子第一次分隔兩地,

  • We were apart then for the first time in our lives,

    這個分離對我倆來說都很殘酷。

  • and the separation was brutal for both of us.

    當他和家人朋友一起時,

  • But while he remained among family and friends,

    我卻孤單地遠在另一個國度。

  • I was alone in a new country.

    我們都非常想念對方,

  • We missed each other terribly,

    但那時候國際長途都很貴,

  • but international phone calls were really expensive then

    我們每週通話只能是五分鐘。

  • and we could only afford to speak for five minutes a week.

    當我們生日快到了的時候,

  • When our birthday rolled around,

    那是我們第一次不能在一起過生日。

  • it was the first we wouldn't be spending together.

    我們決定奢侈一回,那個星期我們要聊十分鐘。

  • We decide to splurge, and that week we would talk for 10 minutes.

    那天早上,我一直在房間裡踱步,等著我哥哥給我打過來 -

  • I spent the morning pacing around my room, waiting for him to call --

    我等啊等啊,電話就是不響。

  • and waiting and waiting, but the phone didn't ring.

    由於時差的關係,我就想:

  • Given the time difference, I assumed,

    「好吧,他一定是和朋友在一起,他晚點兒就會打來的。」

  • "Ok, he's out with friends, he will call later."

    那時候也沒有手機。

  • There were no cell phones then.

    但他始終沒打來。

  • But he didn't.

    我開始意識到,離開十個多月以後,

  • And I began to realize that after being away for over 10 months,

    他不再像我想他那樣想我了。

  • he no longer missed me the way I missed him.

    我知道他早上給我打電話,

  • I knew he would call in the morning,

    但那一晚是我一生中最傷心,最漫長的一晚。

  • but that night was one of the saddest and longest nights of my life.

    第二天早上醒來,

  • I woke up the next morning.

    我瞅了一眼電話,意識到自己把電話線踹飛了,

  • I glanced down at the phone, and I realized I had kicked it off the hook

    就在昨天來回踱步時踹飛的。

  • when pacing the day before.

    我迷迷糊糊跳下床,

  • I stumbled out off bed,

    我剛把電話插回接口,一秒鐘之後電話就響了。

  • I put the phone back on the receiver, and it rang a second later,

    是我哥哥打來的,他可氣壞了。

  • and it was my brother, and, boy, was he pissed.

    (笑聲)

  • (Laughter)

    那也是他一生中最傷心漫長的一夜。

  • It was the saddest and longest night of his life as well.

    當我跟他解釋事情的經過,他說:

  • Now I tried to explain what happened, but he said,

    「我真不明白。如果你意識到我沒給你打電話,

  • "I don't understand. If you saw I wasn't calling you,

    那你為什麽不打給我呢?」

  • why didn't you just pick up the phone and call me?"

    他說的對。我為什麽沒有打給他呢?

  • He was right. Why didn't I call him?

    我當時無法解釋,但我現在明白了,

  • I didn't have an answer then, but I do today,

    非常簡單的原因:孤獨。

  • and it's a simple one: loneliness.

    孤獨導致深重的心理創傷,

  • Loneliness creates a deep psychological wound,

    扭曲我們的感知能力,剝奪我們的思考能力。

  • one that distorts our perceptions and scrambles our thinking.

    它使我們以為身邊的人不再在乎我們。

  • It makes us believe that those around us care much less than they actually do.

    它使我們不敢與人聯絡,

  • It makes us really afraid to reach out,

    何必自取其辱被拒絕呢,

  • because why set yourself up for rejection and heartache

    你的心還不夠痛嗎?

  • when your heart is already aching more than you can stand?

    我那個時候被孤獨緊緊包裹著,

  • I was in the grips of real loneliness back then,

    但我總和別人在一起,我自己都沒意識到。

  • but I was surrounded by people all day, so it never occurred to me.

    但孤獨是完全主觀的定義。

  • But loneliness is defined purely subjectively.

    它完全取決於你是否覺得

  • It depends solely on whether you feel

    在情緒上或是交際上和你周圍的人相隔絕。

  • emotionally or socially disconnected from those around you.

    我當時是這樣的。

  • And I did.

    我們有很多關於孤獨的研究,而且都很可怕。

  • There is a lot of research on loneliness, and all of it is horrifying.

    孤獨不僅讓你覺得淒慘,它還可能致命。

  • Loneliness won't just make you miserable, it will kill you.

    我可不是開玩笑。

  • I'm not kidding.

    長期的孤獨會增加早逝的可能性

  • Chronic loneliness increases your likelihood of an early death

    高達14%之多。

  • by 14 percent.

    孤獨可以導致高血壓、高膽固醇,

  • Loneliness causes high blood pressure, high cholesterol.

    它甚至會影響你的免疫系統,

  • It even suppress the functioning of your immune system,

    使你容易患上各種疾病。

  • making you vulnerable to all kinds of illnesses and diseases.

    事實上,科學家已經得出結論,

  • In fact, scientists have concluded that taken together,

    長期的孤獨對你的健康和長壽的負面影響

  • chronic loneliness poses as significant a risk

    比抽煙還要糟。

  • for your longterm health and longevity as cigarette smoking.

    香煙的包裝上還寫了「吸煙致命」的警示呢。

  • Now cigarette packs come with warnings saying, "This could kill you."

    可孤獨沒有。

  • But loneliness doesn't.

    這就是我們為什麽要重視心理健康,

  • And that's why it's so important that we prioritize our psychological health,

    要注意保持情緒健康。

  • that we practice emotional hygiene.

    因為,你無法治癒心理上的創傷,

  • Because you can't treat a psychological wound

    如果你都不知道自己受到了傷害的話。

  • if you don't even know you're injured.

    「關注情感痛苦」

  • Loneliness isn't the only psychological wound

    孤獨不是唯一可能扭曲及誤導我們的心理創傷。

  • that distorts our perceptions and misleads us.

    「失敗」也有同樣效果。

  • Failure does that as well.

    我曾參觀過一間幼稚園,

  • I once visited a day care center,

    在那兒我觀察了三個兒童,在玩完全一樣的塑膠玩具。

  • where I saw three toddlers play with identical plastic toys.

    你將紅色的按鈕滑開,然後一隻可愛的小狗就會跳出來。

  • You had to slide the red button, and a cute doggie would pop out.

    一個小女孩對紫色的鈕又拉又按,

  • One little girl tried pulling the purple button, then pushing it,

    然後她就坐下來,瞧著那盒子,下嘴唇開始發顫。

  • and then she just sat back and looked at the box, with her lower lip trembling.

    她旁邊的一個小男孩看到這一幕,

  • The little boy next to her watched this happen,

    再看著他的盒子,都沒動手就哇哇大哭了。

  • then turned to his box and and burst into tears without even touching it.

    與此同時,另一個小女孩試了各種方法,

  • Meanwhile, another little girl tried everything she could think of

    直到她滑動了那個紅色按鈕,

  • until she slid the red button,

    可愛的小狗跳了出來,她開心地叫了起來。

  • the cute doggie popped out, and she squealed with delight.

    同樣的塑膠玩具給了這三個幼兒,

  • So three toddlers with identical plastic toys,

    但他們對失敗的反應截然不同。

  • but with very different reactions to failure.

    前兩個小孩完全有能力滑動那個紅鈕。

  • The first two toddlers were perfectly capable of sliding a red button.

    唯一阻止他們成功的因素

  • The only thing that prevented them from succeeding

    就是他們被自己的想法給騙了,以為自己做不到。

  • was that their mind tricked them into believing they could not.

    其實,成年人也經常中這樣的圈套。

  • Now, adults get tricked this way as well, all the time.

    事實上,我們都有一個固定的思維感知模式,

  • In fact, we all have a default set of feelings and beliefs that gets triggered

    每當我們感到沮喪,受到挫折時,我們便會進入這個模式。

  • whenever we encounter frustrations and setbacks.

    你清不清楚你是怎麽對應失敗的?

  • Are you aware of how your mind reacts to failure?

    你應該清楚。

  • You need to be.

    因為如果你的頭腦告訴你,你做不到什麽事,

  • Because if your mind tries to convince you you're incapable of something

    而你相信了的話,

  • and you believe it,

    你就會像那前兩個小孩,開始感到無助,

  • then like those two toddlers, you'll begin to feel helpless

    然後你很快就放棄了,甚至都不去試一下。

  • and you'll stop trying too soon, or you won't even try at all.

    然後你就更加確信自己成功不了。

  • And then you'll be even more convinced you can't succeed.

    你看,這就是為什麽那麽多人都無法充分發揮他們的潛能。

  • You see, that's why so many people function below their actual potential.

    因為半途中會有那麽一次失敗,

  • Because somewhere along the way, sometimes a single failure

    讓他們確信自己不能成功。

  • convinced them that they couldn't succeed, and they believed it.

    我們一旦被某件事說服,往往就很難改變主意。

  • Once we become convinced of something, it's very difficult to change our mind.

    我十幾歲的時候,和我哥哥一起,經歷了一些困難才明白這個道理。

  • I learned that lesson the hard way when I was a teenager with my brother.

    有一天晚上,我倆和朋友們在一條很黑的路上開著車。

  • We were driving with friends down a dark road at night,

    一輛警車把我們攔住了。

  • when a police car stopped us.

    附近發生了搶劫,警察在追蹤嫌犯。

  • There had been a robbery in the area and they were looking for suspects.

    警察走到車邊,對司機晃了晃手電筒,

  • The officer approached the car, and he shined his flashlight on the driver,

    又照了照坐在副駕駛的我哥哥,然後照到了我。

  • then on my brother in the front seat, and then on me.

    他瞪大了眼睛說道,

  • And his eyes opened wide and he said,

    「我在哪兒見過你吧?」

  • "Where have I seen your face before?"

    (笑聲)

  • (Laughter)

    我說:「副駕駛座上。」

  • And I said, "In the front seat."

    (笑聲)

  • (Laughter)

    但對他來說,我的回答莫名其妙。

  • But that made no sense to him whatsoever.

    所以他認為我嗑了藥。

  • So now he thought I was on drugs.

    (笑聲)

  • (Laughter)

    於是他把我拖出車,又搜了我的身,

  • So he drags me out of the car, he searches me,

    他把我押到警車那裡,

  • he marches me over to the police car,

    直到他驗證了我並沒有犯罪記錄,

  • and only when he verified I didn't have a police record,

    我才有機會解釋我和副駕駛座位上的是雙胞胎。

  • could I show him I had a twin in the front seat.

    但是直到我們把車開走,你仍可以看到他的表情,

  • But even as we were driving away, you could see by the look on his face

    他認定我肯定是幹了什麽壞事。

  • he was convinced that I was getting away with something.

    一旦我們認定了某件事情,我們很難改變看法。

  • Our mind is hard to change once we become convinced.

    所以當你失敗了,感到意氣消沉是很自然的。

  • So it might be very natural to feel demoralized and defeated after you fail.

    但是你不能允許自己相信自己不可能成功。

  • But you cannot allow yourself to become convinced you can't succeed.

    你要和那種無助的感覺鬥爭。

  • You have to fight feelings of helplessness.

    你要重新控制局面。

  • You have to gain control over the situation.

    而且必須在這種負能量開始循環前就打破它。

  • And you have to break this kind of negative cycle before it begins.

    「停止情緒流血」

  • Our minds and our feelings,

    我們的想法和感覺,

  • they're not the trustworthy friends we thought they were.

    不像我們想像中那麽信得過的朋友。

  • They are more like a really moody friend,

    它們更像是一個非常情緒化的朋友,

  • who can be totally supportive one minute, and really unpleasant the next.

    有時非常支持你,有時卻令人不愉快。

  • I once worked with this woman

    我以前的一個女同事

  • who after 20 years marriage and an extremely ugly divorce,

    她結婚 20 年之後離婚了,婚離得很慘烈,

  • was finally ready for her first date.

    然後她終於準備好開始新的約會。

  • She had met this guy online, and he seemed nice and he seemed successful,

    她在網上認識了這個男的。他看上去人很好也很成功,

  • and most importantly, he seemed really into her.

    最重要的是,他似乎真的很喜歡她。

  • So she was very excited, she bought a new dress,

    她非常興奮,還為約會買了新裙子,

  • and they met at an upscale New York City bar for a drink.

    然後他們相約在紐約的一家高級酒吧裡喝一杯。

  • Ten minutes into the date, the man stands up and says,

    約會才進行了10分鐘,那位男士站起來說,

  • "I'm not interested," and walks out.

    「我沒興趣了。」 然後就走了。

  • Rejection is extremely painful.

    被拒絕是極其痛苦的。

  • The woman was so hurt she couldn't move. All she could do was call a friend.

    這位女士非常受傷,無法彈動。於是她給一個朋友打電話。

  • Here's what the friend said: "Well, what do you expect?

    她朋友是這樣說的:「那妳還想怎樣?

  • You have big hips, you have nothing interesting to say,

    妳又胖又沒有什麽好聊,

  • why would a handsome, successful man like that

    為什麽一個英俊的成功男士

  • ever go out with a loser like you?"

    會和妳這樣的失敗者約會呢?」

  • Shocking, right, that a friend could be so cruel?

    太不像話了,對吧,朋友怎麽可以這樣冷酷無情?

  • But it would be much less shocking

    這或許聽上去不太過分,

  • if I told you it wasn't the friend who said that.

    要是我告訴你,這話不是朋友說的。

  • It's what the woman said to herself.

    這其實是那位女士對自己說的。

  • And that's something we all do, especially after a rejection.

    我們都幹過這事兒,尤其是被拒絕之後。

  • We all start thinking of all our faults and all our shortcomings,

    我們開始去想我們犯的錯,我們的缺點,

  • what we wish we were, what we wish we weren't,

    我們要是這樣就好了,要是不那樣就好了,

  • we call ourselves names.

    我們給自己起外號。

  • Maybe not as harshly, but we all do it.

    也許程度不同,但我們都幹過這事。

  • And it's interesting that we do, because our self-esteem is already hurting.

    有趣的是,我們竟然會這樣做,因為自尊本來就受到傷害了。

  • Why would we want to go and damage it even further?

    我們為什麽會進一步傷害自尊心?

  • We wouldn't make a physical injury worse on purpose.

    要是身體受傷了,我們不會故意把它弄得更糟。

  • You wouldn't get a cut on your arm and decide, "Oh, I know!

    你胳膊上有個傷口,你不會說,「啊,我知道!

  • I'm going to take a knife and see how much deeper I can make it."

    我要拿把刀看我到底能捅多深。」

  • But we do that with psychological injuries all the time.

    但是我們經常如此對待心理傷害。

  • Why? Because of poor emotional hygiene.

    為什麽?因為心理保健意識很糟糕。

  • Because we don't prioritize our psychological health.

    因為我們不重視心理健康。

  • We know from dozens of studies that when your self-esteem is lower,

    很多研究表明,如果你的自尊心低落,

  • you are more vulnerable to stress and to anxiety,

    你就更容易感到壓力和焦慮,

  • that failures and rejections hurt more and it takes longer to recover from them.

    失敗和拒絕會傷害你更深,你也需要更多的時間復原。

  • So when you get rejected, the first thing you should be doing

    所以如果你被拒絕了,首先應該做的事情是

  • is to revive your self-esteem, not join Fight Club and beat it into a pulp.

    重新激活你的自尊心,而不是去瘋狂地打擊自尊心來發泄。

  • When you're in emotional pain,

    當你在經歷感情上的痛苦,

  • treat yourself with the same compassion you would expect from a truly good friend.

    像真正的好朋友那樣關護自己。

  • We have to catch our unhealthy psychological habits and change them.

    「保護你的自尊心」

  • One of unhealthiest and most common is called rumination.

    我們需要改變不健康的心理習慣。

  • To ruminate means to chew over.

    最常見又最不健康的習慣之一就是想太多。

  • It's when your boss yells at you, or your professor makes you feel stupid in class,

    事後反覆回想一件事。

  • or you have big fight with a friend

    比如你的老板衝你發脾氣了,或是教授在課上讓你感覺愚蠢,

  • and you just can't stop replaying the scene in your head for days,

    或是你和好朋友吵架了,

  • sometimes for weeks on end.

    然後你不斷的在腦海裡回放當時的情況,好幾天,

  • Ruminating about upsetting events in this way can easily become a habit,

    甚至好幾個禮拜都不停。

  • and it's a very costly one.

    反覆回味不愉快的事很容易變成習慣,

  • Because by spending so much time focused on upsetting and negative thoughts,

    而這個習慣代價很大。