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  • - (Chewbacca roars) - SHUT UP!

  • (narrator) After buying the Star War's franchise,

  • Disney decided to branch out from its typical

  • science-fiction watching audience to a new demographic

  • that like stupid reality shows.

  • They're watching the ratings carefully and will do anything

  • to make sure the show doesn't suck balls.

  • Disney presents Star Wars: Blind Date!

  • Let's meet our bachelors for this week's episode!

  • This cute little guy is Anthony Padilla.

  • And this cute little fluffy muffin is Ian Hecox.

  • Let's get this blind date started.

  • So, wait, my date's name is...Feltiperoorgnumnum Trevaggian...ack?

  • - What's yours? - Jenny.

  • Why does yours sound so hot?

  • Oh daaaaaaaaamn!

  • Do you think those our dates over there?

  • (Ian) They're so fricking space hot!

  • You know, just because you add the word "space" in front of everything,

  • it doesn't make you sound cool or futuristic, right?

  • Uh, yeah, it space does...

  • Space dickhole!

  • Ratings are good so far, but the audience wants to see

  • some actually good looking people, quick!

  • So, wait, wait, wait, guys...

  • You're Feltiperoo...whatever the frick...

  • and YOU'RE Jenny?

  • Correct.

  • Great.

  • This Feltiperoorgnumnum Trevaggianack girl?

  • Super hot! So I decided to just man up, get over my nervousness,

  • and give it a shot.

  • (coughing) Space slut!

  • What?

  • Did it hurt when you fell to Tatooine from the Death Star?

  • 'Cause you look like a Sand Person to me.

  • Dude, they're called Tuscan Raiders, space racist!

  • Shut up!

  • Shall we?

  • Male viewership is in decline.

  • We need something that they'll like!

  • (sexy dubstep music)

  • Alright! Ratings are back up again.

  • So, Jenny...uh...

  • What do you do to make your face look so...pretty?

  • (gurgling) I use a lemon extract moisturizer

  • with a natural lilac cream base.

  • Wow...you really...have the v-voice of an angel.

  • Male viewership is in decline.

  • We need something to appeal to THEM.

  • (lightsaber hums)

  • (screaming)

  • Dude, what the hell?!

  • Sorry, man! To qualify as an official Star Wars product,

  • we're contractually obligated to have at least one lightsaber battle

  • every three minutes.

  • But we can't forget about our female audience either!

  • What?!

  • Whatever. Prepare to die, bitch!

  • (screaming in pain)

  • WHAT THE SPACE F*CK, MAN?!

  • (screaming)

  • They probably should've given us some lightsaber training first.

  • Well, you're just not a Jedi master like me.

  • (lightsaber hums)

  • (screaming in pain)

  • SERIOUSLY?!

  • The ratings are terrible!

  • - (warning alarms) - We need some reality TV tropes to ramp up the drama!

  • Anthony, I have something to reveal to you.

  • (dun dun dun!)

  • What? (dun dun dun!)

  • This baby is yours! (dun dun dun!)

  • Uh...we've never even kissed?

  • Space sex is dangerous, bro.

  • We need more drama!

  • Stop right there.

  • You're under arrest for sending nudes to The Emperor.

  • That's what you get for putting your dick pic on the Space Internets.

  • I had a weird rash...down there

  • and I was trying to send it to my doctor.

  • How exactly do you get those two things mixed up?

  • My doctor's name is Sendto Internet.

  • It's an Indian name! Don't be racist.

  • The show is sucking so much Ewok ball sack!

  • Let's add one last huge twist.

  • (every one gasps)

  • Hello, Ian and Anthony.

  • Jenny?

  • What happened to your ugly, broken, ratchet-ass face?

  • That was just makeup!

  • I'm actually a Victoria Secret model/billionaire

  • and I wanted to find a man who loves me for what's inside of me.

  • Like your pancreas.

  • And I was going to give one of you a million dollars

  • and take you on a romantic honeymoon.

  • (wind whistles)

  • A romantic space honeymoon?

  • (dun dun dun!)

  • (dun dun dun!)

  • (dun dun dun!)

  • That's always been my dream!

  • F*ck my life!

  • (screaming in pain)

  • After realizing his space f*ck up, Ian commited space seppuku.

  • No, no! Ahhhh!

  • Anthony was blamed for Ian's space death,

  • and is now on space death row.

  • And Disney, well...they made $7 billion off Ian action figures.

  • (white snow)

  • (TV announcer) The new Star Wars Ian action figure!

  • (little boy) Come on, Ian! Let's go play!

  • (TV announcer) Now with intense seppuku action!

  • (little boy) He murders himself so hard!

  • (narrator) Thanks Disney Star Wars!

  • (man with gruff voice) Well now that you're done with that, check out

  • the Pokemon Red and Blue Honest Game Trailer.

  • It's fricking hilarious!

  • Just click on that video on the right!

  • How about I trade you my Diglett for your Charizard?

  • (narrator) Or buy two copies of the game to trade with yourself

  • like a friendless loser!

  • Deal!

  • And if you wanna see some bloopers and...this...

  • I was gonna pogo stick on my penis

  • and create a trail for the bear with the honey--

  • - (Ian) Where were you leading the bear? - It's above you.

  • ..click the video on the left!

  • And if you haven't hit that subscribe button, do it NOWWW!

  • You're probably wondering why I'm talking like this.

  • Well, there's a little man that's squeezing my testicles

  • and it hurts real bad.

  • - Okay, Jeffrey, you can stop now. - (Jeffrey) But I like it!

  • I know. I like it to, Jeffrey, but please stop.

  • (Jeffrey) Fine.

- (Chewbacca roars) - SHUT UP!

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DISNEY'S STAR WARS BLIND DATE

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    Bryan Pai   發佈於 2014 年 08 月 13 日
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