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When I was in my 20s,
二十多歲時
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I saw my very first psychotherapy client.
我見到我第一位心理治療病患
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I was a Ph.D. student in clinical psychology at Berkeley.
我當時是柏克萊大學臨床心理學博士生
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She was a 26-year-old woman named Alex.
她是名叫Alex的26歲女子
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Now Alex walked into her first session
Alex第一次前來會談時
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wearing jeans and a big slouchy top,
穿著牛仔褲和寬大上衣
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and she dropped onto the couch in my office
她一屁股坐在我辦公室的沙發上
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and kicked off her flats
踢掉她的平底鞋
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and told me she was there to talk about guy problems.
告訴我她想談談她和男人的問題
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Now when I heard this, I was so relieved.
聽見這句話時,我感到如釋重負
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My classmate got an arsonist for her first client.
因為我同學的第一位病人是個縱火犯
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(Laughter)
(笑聲)
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And I got a twentysomething who wanted to talk about boys.
我的不過是想聊聊男人的年輕女子
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This I thought I could handle.
我以為我能搞定這件事
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But I didn't handle it.
事實卻不然
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With the funny stories that Alex would bring to session,
聽著Alex在會談中所說的有趣故事
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it was easy for me just to nod my head
對我來說十分輕鬆,只需點頭
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while we kicked the can down the road.
避而不談真正的問題
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"Thirty's the new 20," Alex would say,
「三十歲不就是再活一次二十歲嘛」Alex說
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and as far as I could tell, she was right.
就我當時的想法,她說的沒錯
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Work happened later, marriage happened later,
工作、結婚都是之後的事
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kids happened later, even death happened later.
孩子是之後的事,甚至死亡也是之後的事
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Twentysomethings like Alex and I had nothing but time.
像 Alex 和我這樣二十歲世代的年輕人,有的是時間
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But before long, my supervisor pushed me
但不久後,指導教授催促我
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to push Alex about her love life.
督促 Alex 積極面對她的戀愛關係
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I pushed back.
我不以為然
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I said, "Sure, she's dating down,
我說,「沒錯,她有固定約會對象」
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she's sleeping with a knucklehead,
「她和一個蠢蛋上床」
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but it's not like she's going to marry the guy."
「但不代表她會和那個傢伙結婚」
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And then my supervisor said,
於是指導教授說
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"Not yet, but she might marry the next one.
「目前是如此,但或許她會和下一個蠢蛋結婚」
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Besides, the best time to work on Alex's marriage
「此外,Alex 經營婚姻的最佳時機」
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is before she has one."
「就是在她結婚前」
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That's what psychologists call an "Aha!" moment.
這就是心理學家所謂的「啊哈!」時刻
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That was the moment I realized, 30 is not the new 20.
那一刻,我領悟到你無法等到三十歲,再重頭過二十歲的生活
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Yes, people settle down later than they used to,
沒錯,人們比以往更晚成家立業
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but that didn't make Alex's 20s a developmental downtime.
但不代表 Alex 的二十歲是她的發展停滯期
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That made Alex's 20s a developmental sweet spot,
而是 Alex 的最佳發展時機
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and we were sitting there blowing it.
我們卻坐視這段時光白白流逝
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That was when I realized that this sort of benign neglect
此時我才明白善意的忽視
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was a real problem, and it had real consequences,
確實是個問題,而且會有嚴重的後果
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not just for Alex and her love life
不僅對 Alex 和她的愛情生活來說如此
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but for the careers and the families and the futures
對所有二十歲世代年輕人的
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of twentysomethings everywhere.
事業、家庭和未來亦然
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There are 50 million twentysomethings
目前美國有五千萬名
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in the United States right now.
二十歲世代人口
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We're talking about 15 percent of the population,
大約佔總人口的15%
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or 100 percent if you consider
或者說100%,如果考慮到
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that no one's getting through adulthood
任何邁入成年期的人
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without going through their 20s first.
都曾經歷過二十多歲這個年紀
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Raise your hand if you're in your 20s.
現場二十多歲的請舉手
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I really want to see some twentysomethings here.
我非常希望在現場見到二十多歲的聽眾
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Oh, yay! Y'all's awesome.
太好了!你們都棒極了
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If you work with twentysomethings, you love a twentysomething,
如果你和二十歲世代年輕人共事你或是你的交往對象二十多歲
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you're losing sleep over twentysomethings, I want to see —
或者是你非常關心二十歲世代我想知道你們在哪-
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Okay. Awesome, twentysomethings really matter.
好,棒極了二十歲的這個世代真的很重要
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So I specialize in twentysomethings because I believe
因此我專門研究二十歲這個世代
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that every single one of those 50 million twentysomethings
因為我認為這五千萬名二十多歲年輕人中的每一位
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deserves to know what psychologists,
都該知道心理學家
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sociologists, neurologists and fertility specialists
社會學家、神經學家及生育專家
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already know:
都知道的事
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that claiming your 20s is one of the simplest,
二十歲的這個世代是最單純
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yet most transformative, things you can do
也最具可塑性的階段
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for work, for love, for your happiness,
對工作、愛情和幸福來說
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maybe even for the world.
也許甚至對全世界來說
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This is not my opinion. These are the facts.
這並非我個人的觀點,而是事實
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We know that 80 percent of life's most defining moments
我們知道,人生中 80% 最具決定性的時刻
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take place by age 35.
發生於35歲前
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That means that eight out of 10 of the decisions
這意味著10個中有8個
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and experiences and "Aha!" moments
塑造你人生的決定、經歷
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that make your life what it is
和「啊哈!」時刻
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will have happened by your mid-30s.
發生於30歲中旬前
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People who are over 40, don't panic.
超過40歲的人別慌
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This crowd is going to be fine, I think.
我想在座的各位應該沒問題
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We know that the first 10 years of a career
我們知道一份職業的最初十年
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has an exponential impact
有舉足輕重的影響
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on how much money you're going to earn.
對你未來的收入而言
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We know that more than half of Americans
我們知道半數以上的美國人
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are married or are living with or dating
30歲前結婚、同居或約會的對象
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their future partner by 30.
就是你未來的終生伴侶
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We know that the brain caps off its second
我們知道大腦在二十多歲這個年紀會歷經第二次
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and last growth spurt in your 20s
及最後一次成長高峰
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as it rewires itself for adulthood,
以轉型為成人期
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which means that whatever it is you want to change about yourself,
這意味著無論你打算如何改變自己
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now is the time to change it.
此刻正是最佳時機
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We know that personality changes more during your 20s
我們知道性格在二十多歲這個年紀的變化
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than at any other time in life,
勝於人生其他階段
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and we know that female fertility peaks at age 28,
我們知道女性生育高峰期是28歲
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and things get tricky after age 35.
35歲後則每況愈下
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So your 20s are the time to educate yourself
因此二十年華正是瞭解自我
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about your body and your options.
身體狀況及選擇的最佳時機
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So when we think about child development,
因此當我們談到兒童發展
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we all know that the first five years are a critical period
我們都知道最初五年是關鍵期
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for language and attachment in the brain.
對大腦的語言和情感依附發展來說
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It's a time when your ordinary, day-to-day life
這是日常生活
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has an inordinate impact on who you will become.
對未來發展影響甚鉅的階段
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But what we hear less about is that there's such a thing
但我們較少聽說的是所謂的「成人發展」
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as adult development, and our 20s
二十歲的這個年紀
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are that critical period of adult development.
正是成人的發展關鍵期
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But this isn't what twentysomethings are hearing.
但很少有二十多歲的年輕人聽說過這件事
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Newspapers talk about the changing timetable of adulthood.
報紙談論的總是成人階段的變化
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Researchers call the 20s an extended adolescence.
研究人員稱二十歲世代為青春期的延續
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Journalists coin silly nicknames for twentysomethings
新聞記者賦予二十歲世代一些愚蠢的綽號
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like "twixters" and "kidults."
例如「啃老族」和「大孩子」
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It's true.
確實如此
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As a culture, we have trivialized what is actually
文化使然,我們輕忽了
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the defining decade of adulthood.
成人階段的決定性十年
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Leonard Bernstein said that to achieve great things,
倫納德‧伯恩斯坦(著名指揮家)說,欲達成偉大成就
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you need a plan and not quite enough time.
需要一個計畫和不甚充裕的時間
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Isn't that true?
事實不就是這樣嗎?
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So what do you think happens
因此你認為會發生什麼事
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when you pat a twentysomething on the head and you say,
當你拍著一位二十歲世代年輕人的頭說
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"You have 10 extra years to start your life"?
「你的人生還有十年才開始」
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Nothing happens.
什麼也不會發生
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You have robbed that person of his urgency and ambition,
你剝奪了那個人的迫切感和雄心
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and absolutely nothing happens.
不會發生任何結果
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And then every day, smart, interesting twentysomethings
日復一日地這些聰明有趣的二十歲世代
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like you or like your sons and daughters
如同你們或你們的子女
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come into my office and say things like this:
前來我辦公室說類似以下的話
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"I know my boyfriend's no good for me,
「我知道我男友不適合我」
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but this relationship doesn't count. I'm just killing time."
「但這段感情不能當真,只是打發時間罷了」
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Or they say, "Everybody says as long as I get started
或是,「每個人都說,我只要」
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on a career by the time I'm 30, I'll be fine."
「在30歲前展開事業就沒問題」
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But then it starts to sound like this:
但之後他們開始這麼說:
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"My 20s are almost over, and I have nothing to show for myself.
「我二字頭的人生即將結束但我卻一事無成」
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I had a better resume the day after I graduated from college."
「我最好從大學畢業那天就開始投履歷表」
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And then it starts to sound like this:
然後他們開始這麼說:
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"Dating in my 20s was like musical chairs.
「二十多歲時的約會就像玩大風吹」
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Everybody was running around and having fun,
「大家四處遊蕩、樂在其中」
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but then sometime around 30 it was like the music turned off
「但30歲左右音樂逐漸停止」
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and everybody started sitting down.
「大家開始就座」
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I didn't want to be the only one left standing up,
「我不想成為唯一站著的人」
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so sometimes I think I married my husband
「因此有時我覺得和丈夫結婚」
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because he was the closest chair to me at 30."
「只因為他是30歲時離我最近的椅子」
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Where are the twentysomethings here?
我們當中二十幾歲的年輕人們?
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Do not do that.
千萬別這麼做
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Okay, now that sounds a little flip, but make no mistake,
好,聽起來像是說笑,但別誤會
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the stakes are very high.
其中的風險極大
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When a lot has been pushed to your 30s,
當許多事延宕到三十歲的時候
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there is enormous thirtysomething pressure
將造成三十歲世代極大的壓力
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to jump-start a career, pick a city, partner up,
展開事業、選擇居住地、尋找伴侶
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and have two or three kids in a much shorter period of time.
在極短時間內生兩三個孩子
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Many of these things are incompatible,
這些事大多無法同時兼顧
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and as research is just starting to show,
如近期研究結果顯示
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simply harder and more stressful to do
在三十世代同時完成這些事
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all at once in our 30s.
難度和壓力將變得更大
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The post-millennial midlife crisis
千禧年後的中年危機
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isn't buying a red sports car.
不在於是否買輛紅色跑車
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It's realizing you can't have that career you now want.
而在於意識到無法擁有目前想要的事業
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It's realizing you can't have that child you now want,
在於意識到無法生出這時候所想要的孩子
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or you can't give your child a sibling.
或無法替孩子生出兄弟姊妹
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Too many thirtysomethings and fortysomethings
太多三十歲世代及四十歲世代的人
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look at themselves, and at me, sitting across the room,
看看自己然後望著坐在房間另一頭的我
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and say about their 20s,
開始談論起他們的二十歲生活
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"What was I doing? What was I thinking?"
「我當時在做什麼?在想什麼?」
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I want to change what twentysomethings
我希望改變二十歲世代的
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are doing and thinking.
做法和想法
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Here's a story about how that can go.
以下是關於如何著手的故事
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It's a story about a woman named Emma.
這是關於一位名叫Emma的女子的故事
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At 25, Emma came to my office
25歲時,Emma來到我辦公室
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because she was, in her words, having an identity crisis.
因為她-根據她的說法-她正經歷身份危機
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She said she thought she might like to work in art
她說她認為自己或許想從事藝術
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or entertainment, but she hadn't decided yet,
或娛樂工作,但尚未下定決心
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so she'd spent the last few years waiting tables instead.
因此過去幾年她暫時擔任餐飲服務生
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Because it was cheaper, she lived with a boyfriend
為了省錢,她和男友同居
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who displayed his temper more than his ambition.
他展現脾氣的能力更勝於雄心
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And as hard as her 20s were,
儘管她的二十歲生活充滿艱辛
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her early life had been even harder.
她之前的生活更是困難重重
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She often cried in our sessions,
她經常於會談中哭泣
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but then would collect herself by saying,
但恢復平靜後,她說
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"You can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends."
「你無法選擇家庭,但可以選擇朋友」
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Well one day, Emma comes in
某天,Emma走進辦公室
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and she hangs her head in her lap,
把頭倚在膝蓋上
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and she sobbed for most of the hour.
哭了將近一個小時
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She'd just bought a new address book,
她剛買了一本新通訊錄
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and she'd spent the morning filling in her many contacts,
她花了整個上午填寫連絡人資料
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but then she'd been left staring at that empty blank
但接著她茫然地盯著
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that comes after the words
以下文字後的空白
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"In case of emergency, please call ... ."
「發生緊急情況時,請撥打…」
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She was nearly hysterical when she looked at me and said,
她幾乎是歇斯底里地看著我說
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"Who's going to be there for me if I get in a car wreck?
「如果出車禍,誰會陪在我身邊?」
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Who's going to take care of me if I have cancer?"
「如果得癌症,誰會照顧我?」
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Now in that moment, it took everything I had
當時,我費盡心力
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not to say, "I will."
才忍住說「我會」的衝動
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But what Emma needed wasn't some therapist
但 Emma 需要的並非一位
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who really, really cared.
對她關懷備至的治療師
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Emma needed a better life, and I knew this was her chance.
Emma 需要更好的生活我知道這是她的機會
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I had learned too much since I first worked with Alex
自從治療 Alex 後,我學到很多
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to just sit there while Emma's defining decade
我不會坐視 Emma 的決定性十年
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went parading by.
白白流逝
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So over the next weeks and months,
因此接下來幾週、幾個月中
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I told Emma
我告訴 Emma
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three things that every twentysomething, male or female,
三件每位二十歲世代年輕人
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deserves to hear.
無論男女都該聆聽的忠告
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First, I told Emma to forget about having an identity crisis
首先,我要Emma忘了她的身份危機
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and get some identity capital.
累積一些身份資本
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By get identity capital, I mean do something
至於累積身份資本,我指的是進行某些
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that adds value to who you are.
增加自我價值的事
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Do something that's an investment
進行某些投資
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in who you might want to be next.
以達成理想中的自己
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I didn't know the future of Emma's career,
我不知道 Emma 的工作前景
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and no one knows the future of work, but I do know this:
沒人知道任何工作的前景但我確實知道這一點:
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Identity capital begets identity capital.
身份資本將衍生身份資本
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So now is the time for that cross-country job,
因此此時正是接受那份跨國工作
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that internship, that startup you want to try.
那份實習職位和你想嘗試的創業的時機
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I'm not discounting twentysomething exploration here,
我並非反對二十歲世代進行探索
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but I am discounting exploration that's not supposed to count,
但我不贊同無意義的探索
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which, by the way, is not exploration.
順帶一提,那並非探索
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That's procrastination.
而是浪費時間
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I told Emma to explore work and make it count.
我要 Emma 進行有意義的工作探索
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Second, I told Emma that the urban tribe is overrated.
其次,我告訴Emma人們高估了城市部落(Urban Tribes)
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Best friends are great for giving rides to the airport,
好友是載你去機場的絕佳人選
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but twentysomethings who huddle together
但二十世代年輕人常聚集的對象
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with like-minded peers limit who they know,
在於志同道合的同齡族群,侷限於相識者
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what they know, how they think, how they speak,
彼此知道的事相似的思考模式和說話方式
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and where they work.
及工作地點
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That new piece of capital, that new person to date
新資本、新約會對象
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almost always comes from outside the inner circle.
幾乎總是來自圈外
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New things come from what are called our weak ties,
新事物來自我們所謂的弱連結
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our friends of friends of friends.
例如朋友的朋友的朋友
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So yes, half of twentysomethings are un- or under-employed.
因此-沒錯,半數二十多歲的人並未就業或擁有全職工作
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But half aren't, and weak ties
但其中一半並非如此,弱連結正是
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are how you get yourself into that group.
使你加入那個族群的方式
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Half of new jobs are never posted,
半數新職位不曾公佈
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so reaching out to your neighbor's boss
因此接觸鄰居的老闆
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is how you get that un-posted job.
正是得到那份未公佈工作的方法
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It's not cheating. It's the science of how information spreads.
這並非投機,而是資訊傳播原理
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Last but not least, Emma believed that
最後,同樣重要的是,Emma 認為
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you can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends.
你無法選擇家庭,但可以選擇朋友
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Now this was true for her growing up,
以她的成長經歷來說確實如此
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but as a twentysomething, soon Emma would pick her family
但作為一個二十多歲的年輕人 Emma 很快就得選擇自己的家庭
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when she partnered with someone
當她和某人結為連理
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and created a family of her own.
建立屬於自己的家庭
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I told Emma the time to start picking your family is now.
我告訴 Emma 此時正是她選擇家庭的時機
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Now you may be thinking that 30
你或許認為30歲是
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is actually a better time to settle down
較適當的成家時機
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than 20, or even 25,
相較於20歲,甚至25歲
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and I agree with you.
我同意這一點
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But grabbing whoever you're living with or sleeping with
但套牢某個和你同居或上床的人
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when everyone on Facebook starts walking down the aisle
當所有Facebook上