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  • >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

    >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

  • WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

    歡迎來到 "深夜秀"。

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

    我是你的主播,史蒂芬-科爾伯特。

  • I'M VERY EXCITED.

    我非常興奮。

  • ARSENIO HALL.

    ARSENIO HALL.

  • EXACTLY.

    正是如此。

  • I WOULD HAVE BUT I HAD THE COFFEE IN MY HAND.

    我本來想喝的,但我手裡有咖啡。

  • I DIDN'T WANT TO SPILL ANYTHING.

    我不想灑任何東西。

  • AND OUR DEAR FRIEND TIM MEADOWS, TOO.

    和我們親愛的朋友TIM MEADOWS,太。

  • HOLD ON A SECOND.

    等一下。

  • WELL, FOLKS, IF YOU CHECK THE PAPER, YOU KNOW PEOPLE DON'T

    好了,夥計們,如果你看了報紙,你知道人們不知道

  • READ PAPERS ANYMORE.

    再也不看報紙了。

  • IT'S MOSTLY THE WEB, BUT IF YOU LOOK AT THE WEB, YOU'LL SEE THE

    這主要是網絡,但如果你看了網絡,你會發現。

  • PANDEMIC CONTINUES TO RAGE ON.

    PANDEMIC繼續肆虐。

  • WE'VE NOW BEEN IN LOCKDOWN FOR OVER 11 MONTHS, AND IF YOU'RE

    我們已經關閉了11個多月了,如果你是... ...

  • BEGINNING TO GET THE CRAZY FEELING THAT ISOLATION HAS

    開始有了孤獨的瘋狂感覺。

  • STARTED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY.

    開始把你逼瘋了,你沒有瘋。

  • YOU ARE CRAZY.

    你是瘋了。

  • BECAUSE ACCORDING TO CNN, PANDEMIC PARANOIA IS A REAL

    因為據美國有線電視新聞網報道,PANDEMIC PARANOIA是一個真實的。

  • THING.

    事情。

  • OR IS IT?

    或者是嗎?

  • WHO PAID YOU TO SAY THAT, CNN?

    誰僱你說的,CNN?

  • HOW WOULD YOU KNOW I'M PARANOID?

    你怎麼會知道我是變態狂?

  • ARE YOU WATCHING ME?

    你在看我嗎?

  • THERE'S A CAMERA RIGHT THERE!

    這裡有一個攝像頭在那裡!

  • AND THERE!

    在那裡!

  • WHO PUT THIS MIC ON ME?

    誰把這個麥克風放在我身上?

  • ME?

    我?

  • I MUST BE IN ON IT!

    我一定要加入!

  • SCENE.

    場景:

  • ( LAUGHTER ) EVIDENTLY, THE PARANOIA IS BEING

    證據顯示,帕拉諾亞正在被

  • BROUGHT ON BY THE PANDEMIC, REQUIRED SOCIAL ISOLATION, AND

    擴散、所需的社會孤立和

  • AN UNCERTAIN ECONOMIC ENVIRONMENT, WHERE PEOPLE WORRY

    一個不穩定的經濟環境,在那裡人們擔心。

  • ABOUT WHETHER THEY MIGHT BE ON THE VERGE OF LOSING THEIR

    關於他們是否有可能失去自己的權利。

  • LIVELIHOOD.

    生活方式:

  • THAT'S NOT PARANOIA.

    那不是帕拉諾亞

  • THAT'S JUST NORMAL HUMAN FEAR.

    這只是正常的人類恐懼。

  • IF YOU CRY AT A BIRTHDAY PARTY WHEN THE CLOWN COMES OUT, THAT'S

    如果你在生日派對上哭了,當小丑出來的時候,那就是... ...

  • A PHOBIA.

    A PHOBIA.

  • IF YOU'RE ONE OF THE KIDS IN "IT," IT'S REASONABLE TO

    如果你是 "IT "中的一個孩子,那你就有理由

  • AVOID THE SEWER.

    避免下水道。

  • OF COURSE, DISINFORMATION FEEDS INTO PARANOIA, AND THAT'S WHAT

    當然,資訊不暢通會讓人產生偏執狂,而這正是

  • LED THE CAPITOL INSURRECTION.

    發起了資本保險。

  • YESTERDAY, THE SENATE HELD HEARINGS INTO WHAT CAUSED IT,

    明天,參議院舉行了聽證會,調查原因。

  • BUT HERE'S THE THING: TWO OF THE QUESTIONERS UP ON THE DAIS

    但問題是,有兩個問題上了檯面。

  • THERE, WERE SENATORS WHO SUPPORTED CHALLENGING THE

    有一些參議員支持對《公約》進行質疑。

  • CERTIFICATION OF ELECTORAL VOTES ON JANUARY 6 THAT LED TO THE

    1月6日的選舉投票證明,導致了這次選舉。

  • RIOT: JOSH HAWLEY AND TED CRUZ.

    RIOT: 約什・霍利和特德・克魯茲。JOSH HAWLEY AND TED CRUZ.

  • THAT'S LIKE HAVING A CANNIBALISM TRIAL PRESIDED OVER BY JUDGE

    這就像有一個CANNIBALISM審判由法官主持。

  • HANNIBAL LECTER: "WOULD THE PROSECUTION PLEASE

    HANNIBAL LECTER: "請檢察機關...

  • SLATHER THEMSELVES IN HONEY MUSTARD AND APPROACH THE BENCH."

    抹上蜂蜜芥末,走到凳子上。"

  • THE SESSION WAS MOSTLY ASS-COVERING, BUT WE DID LEARN

    本屆會議雖然是在掩飾錯誤,但我們還是學到了很多東西。

  • ONE INTERESTING FACT: AN F.B.I.

    一個有趣的事實:一個F. B. I.。

  • ALERT ABOUT A POSSIBLE "WAR" AGAINST CONGRESS REACHED THE

    反對國會的可能 "戰爭 "的警報傳到了美國國會。

  • D.C. AND CAPITOL POLICE THE NIGHT BEFORE THE ATTACK.

    華盛頓特區和首都警方在襲擊前夜。

  • SO IT LOOKS PRETTY DAMNING THAT THE POLICE WERE WARNED AND DID

    所以,看起來非常該死的是,警察被警告,並採取了。

  • NOTHING.

    什麼都沒有。

  • BUT NOT THAT SIMPLE, ACCORDING TO ACTING D.C. POLICE CHIEF AND

    但不是那麼簡單,據華盛頓特區現任警察局長和。

  • COP WHO DOESN'T REALIZE HIS■ç PARTNER WALKED AWAY 10 MINUTES

    警察不知道他的同伴10分鐘就走了。

  • AGO, ROBERT CONTEE.

    AGO,ROBERT CONTEE。

  • CHIEF CONTEE TOLD CONGRESS THAT THERE WAS A PERFECTLY GOOD

    坎迪酋長告訴國會說,有一個完美的好辦法。

  • REASON HIS DEPARTMENT IGNORED THE F.B.I.'S WARNING:

    他的部門無視聯邦調查局的警告的原因。

  • >> WE'RE TALKING ABOUT A REPORT THAT CAME FROM THE OFFICE ON THE

    >> 我們正在討論一份來自辦公室的報告,內容是關於...

  • DAY BEFORE, THAT NIGHT, AFTER 7:00 P.M. THAT WAS SENT TO EMAIL

    前一天,那晚,晚上7點後,被髮到了電子郵件上

  • BOXES.

    盒子:

  • I WOULD CERTAINLY THINK SOMETHING AS VIOLENT AS AN

    我肯定會認為像暴力的東西,如一個人。

  • INSURRECTION AT THE CAPITOL WOULD WARRANT, YOU KNOW, A PHONE

    首都的保險會保證,你知道,一個電話。

  • CALL, OR SOMETHING, >> Stephen: HE'S GOT A POINT.

    打電話,或者做一些事情, >> 史蒂芬:他有一個觀點。

  • THERE'S A REASON WHY NO ONE SAYS, "I THINK I'M HAVING A

    為什麼沒有人說 "我想我有了",這是有原因的。

  • HEART ATTACK!

    心臟攻擊!

  • QUICK, EMAIL AN AMBULANCE!" NOW, ONE GUY WHO ACTUALLY HAS A

    "快,給救護車發郵件!"現在,一個人誰真正有一個。

  • REALLY GOOD REASON TO BE PARANOID IS THE FORMER

    成為 "傘兵 "的真正好理由是以前的...

  • PRESIDENT'S PERSONAL ATTORNEY RUDY GIULIANI, SEEN HERE

    主席的私人律師RUDY GIULIANI,見此。

  • SUDDENLY REALIZING HE GAVE THE PROSTITUTE HIS REAL NAME.

    恍然大悟的他給了那個賣淫者他的真名。

  • RUDY IS FACING A $1.3 BILLION LAWSUIT FROM DOMINION VOTING

    魯迪正面臨著多米尼克投票公司的13億美元的訴訟。

  • SYSTEMS FOR SPREADING THE LIE THAT THEY STOLE THE 2020

    散佈他們偷走了2020年的謊言的系統。

  • ELECTION.

    選舉:

  • AND WHILE PUBLICLY HE'S BEEN TALKING TOUGH, PRIVATELY, HE'S

    而當公開他一直在說難, 私下裡,他是。

  • RUNNING LIKE A FRIGHTENED TODDLER, BECAUSE PART OF A CIVIL

    像個受驚的小孩一樣奔跑,因為這是公民的一部分。

  • LAWSUIT IS BEING GIVEN A SUBPOENA BY A PROCESS SERVER,

    訴訟是由一個程序服務器提供的傳票。

  • AND TURNS OUT, GIULIANI SPENT A WEEK DOING EVERYTHING HE COULD

    結果是,朱利安尼花了一個星期的時間,做了他能做的一切。

  • TO AVOID BEING SERVED THE LAWSUIT.

    為了避免被送達訴訟。

  • LOOK, I GET IT.

    你看,我得到它。

  • IF A GUY WALKED UP TO ME AND SAID "ARE YOU RUDY GIULIANI?" I

    如果一個人走到我面前說 "你是魯迪-吉利安尼嗎?"I

  • WOULDN'T WANT TO ADMIT IT, EITHER.

    不想承認它,無論是。

  • RUDY'S SERVICE-DODGING TACTICS WERE PRETTY CREATIVE.

    RUDY的服務躲避戰術很有創意。

  • HE REPORTEDLY IGNORED REQUESTS TO SIMPLY ACCEPT IT VIA EMAIL,

    他據說忽略了要求,簡單地通過電子郵件接受它。

  • AND HAD HIS DOORMAN LOCK THE DOOR TO THE BUILDING WHENEVER

    他的門衛隨時都會鎖上大樓的門。

  • THE FORMER MAYOR ENTERED THE LOBBY-- WHICH IS THE FIRST TIME

    前任市長進入休息室 -- 這是第一次。

  • ANYONE HAS LOCKED A DOOR TO KEEP RUDY IN.

    有人鎖了一扇門讓RUDY進來嗎?

  • ALTHOUGH, MAYBE NOT THE LAST?

    雖然,也許不是最後一次?

  • BUT THINGS REALLY CAME TO A HEAD ON FEBRUARY 7, WHEN A PAIR OF

    但事情真的到了頭,2月7日,當一連串的。

  • PROCESS SERVERS AND GIULIANI GOT INTO AN AWKWARD STANDOFF DURING

    PROCESS SERVERS和GIULIANI陷入了尷尬的僵局。

  • A NASTY WINTER STORM.

    凜冽的冬雨。

  • HOW NASTY WAS THIS STANDOFF?

    這場對峙有多噁心?

  • WELL, THE DETAILS ARE...

    好了,細節是... ...

  • GIULIANI LEFT HIS BUILDING AND GOT IN A FORD EXPLORER S.U.V.

    GIULIANI離開了他的大樓,上了一輛福特探險者S.U.V.。

  • AND CLOSED THE S.U.V. DOOR AS A PROCESS SERVER LUNGED FORWARD

    並關上了S.U.V.的門,因為一個處理器服務員向前衝去。

  • WITH A BAG FULL OF DOCUMENTS, WHICH MEANT THE LAWSUIT WAS

    帶著滿滿一袋文件,這意味著訴訟是

  • LODGED BETWEEN THE S.U.V.

    住在S.U.V.號之間。

  • DOOR, AT WHICH POINT, THE DOORMAN GOT INVOLVED, JABBING

    門,在哪個點,門衛被捲入了,刺耳的聲音。

  • HIS UMBRELLA INTO THE S.U.V.

    他的UMBRELLA進入S. U. V.

  • DOOR, AND THE DRIVER AND DOORMAN THEN PULLED THE BAG OF LEGAL

    司機和門衛就把那袋合法的東西拉了出來。

  • DOCUMENTS OUT, ALLOWING GIULIANI TO CLOSE THE S.U.V. DOOR AND

    文件出來了,讓GULIANI關上S.U.V.的門,然後......。

  • DRIVE AWAY.

    開車離開。

  • WHAT A DRAMATIC ESCAPE!

    多麼戲劇性的逃亡!

  • YOU CAN WATCH IT ALL PLAY OUT IN DICK WOLF'S NEW SHOW,

    你可以在迪克-沃爾夫的新節目中看到這一切。

  • "LAW & ORDER: S.U.V."

    "法律與秩序,S.U.V.S.U.V."

  • DUM-DUM!

    DUM -DUM!

  • LAUGH I HAD NOT HEARD THAT BEFORE.

    我以前沒聽過這句話。

  • THAT CERTAINLY SOUNDS STUPID.

    這聽起來肯定是愚蠢的。

  • BRAVO.

    BRAVO。

  • WHEN IT COMES TO REDUCING THE COUNTRY'S PARANOIA, YOU KNOW

    當談到減少國家的PARANOIA時,你知道嗎?

  • WHO'S NOT HELPING?

    誰不幫忙?

  • NASA.

    美國航天局:

  • BECAUSE WE JUST FOUND OUT THAT THEIR MARS ROVER'S GIANT

    因為我們剛剛發現,他們的火星羅孚的巨大的

  • PARACHUTE CARRIED A SECRET MESSAGE.

    鸚鵡帶著一個祕密資訊。

  • NO SURPRISE-- AMERICAN SPACE EXPLORERS LOVES HIDDEN MESSAGES.

    毫不奇怪,美國太空探索者喜歡隱藏的資訊。

  • WE ALL REMEMBER NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAMOUS FIRST WORDS ON THE MOON:

    我們都記得尼爾-阿姆斯壯在月球上著名的第一句話。

  • >> THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN.

    >> 這是人的一小步。

  • I AM THE EGG MAN.

    我是雞蛋人。

  • I AM THE WALRUS.

    我是沃爾魯斯。

  • KOO KOO KA-JOOB.

    辜辜嘉祖。

  • PAUL IS DEAD.

    保羅死了。

  • >> Stephen: SO LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE ACTUAL SECRET MESSAGE

    >> 史蒂芬:所以,讓我們來看看真正的祕密資訊。

  • INSIDE THE ROVER'S PARACHUTE.

    在路虎的降落傘內。

  • AH, YES, A CODE...

    啊,是的,一個代碼...

  • THAT I TOTALLY GET.

    我完全明白了。

  • SURE.

    當然了

  • BUT JUST IN CASE ANY DUMMIES AT HOME DIDN'T GET THAT AS QUICKLY

    但是為了以防萬一,家裡的笨蛋們沒有那麼快明白這一點。

  • AS I DEFINITELY DID, THEY ALSO PROVIDED THIS KEY THAT REVEALS

    正如我所做的,他們還提供了這個密鑰,揭示了。

  • THE PHRASE "DARE MIGHTY THINGS."

    PHRASE "敢於做偉大的事情。"

  • LOOK, NASA, CONGRATS ON THE LANDING.

    聽著,美國太空總署,恭喜你著陸了。

  • WE'RE ALL REALLY IMPRESSED.

    我們都很感動。

  • IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

    它是美麗的。

  • AND THE PARACHUTE, KIND OF A COOL GAME BUT YOU'RE NOT

    和傘,有點像一個很酷的遊戲,但你不是。

  • HELPING.

    幫助。

  • WE'RE ALREADY CHOCK-FULL OF GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY THEORISTS

    我們已經充滿了政府的陰謀論者。

  • DOWN HERE ON EARTH.

    在這裡的地球上。

  • MIGHT AS WELL JUST MAKE IT SAY, "THIS IS WHERE WE HID THE

    還不如讓它說:"這就是我們隱藏的地方。

  • VOTES!" AND THEY'RE NOT DONE!

    投票!"而他們還沒有完成!

  • NASA OFFICIALS SAY WE CAN EXPECT TO SEE MORE HIDDEN MESSAGES.

    美國宇航局官員說,我們可以期待看到更多隱藏的資訊。

  • WOW-- WOW-- WOW!

    哇... 哇... 哇!

  • THAT SEEMS PRETTY SUSPICIOUS.

    這似乎很可疑。

  • QANON FOLKS ARE DEFINITELY GOING TO WANT TO INVESTIGATE, SO WE

    卡農的人肯定會想調查,所以我們...

  • SHOULD PROBABLY HELP LOAD THEM ONTO ROCKETS AND SHOOT THEM

    也許可以幫助把它們裝到槍管上,然後射擊它們。

  • INTO SPACE.

    進入空間:

  • WHERE THEY GO ONE, THEY GO ALL.

    他們去哪裡,他們就去哪裡。

  • NOW, THE PANDEMIC MAY BE ENDING SOONER THAN WE FEARED, BECAUSE

    現在,PANDEMIC也許會比我們擔心的更早結束,因為:

  • WE GOT ANOTHER INJECTION OF POSITIVE VACCINE NEWS TODAY:

    我們得到了另一個注射 積極的疫苗新聞今天。

  • THE F.D.A. CONFIRMED THE JOHNSON & JOHNSON VACCINE

    F.D.A.證實了約翰遜和約翰遜公司的VACCINE。

  • PREVENTED ALL DEATHS AND HOSPITALIZATIONS IN TRIALS.

    在審判中避免了所有死亡和住院;

  • THAT'S AMAZING!

    太神奇了!

  • SOON WE'LL HAVE AS MUCH CHOICE IN VACCINE BRANDS AS WE DO

    很快,我們就會有和我們一樣多的疫苗品牌選擇。

  • FLAVORS OF MOUNTAIN DEW.

    味道的山露。

  • "YOU GOT THE PFIZER?

    "你得到了全息機?

  • I GOT THE MALIBU HONEY MELLON BAJA BOOSTER."

    我得到了MALIBU的蜂蜜梅隆BAJA BOOSTER。"

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THE F.D.A. COULD APPROVE THE NEW

    F.D.A.可以準許新的。

  • VACCINE AS SOON AS SATURDAY.

    疫苗儘快星期六。

  • AND UNLIKE THE ONES CURRENTLY OUT THERE, JOHNSON & JOHNSON'S

    與現有的產品不同,JOHNSON & JOHNSON's的產品也是如此。

  • IS SINGLE SHOT.

    是單發。

  • ALTHOUGH, THE COMPANY ITSELF STILL REQUIRES A DOUBLE JOHNSON.

    雖然如此,公司本身還是需要一個雙倍的約翰遜。

  • DO NOT GOOGLE THE PHRASE "DOUBLE JOHNSON."

    不要用谷歌搜索 "雙約翰遜 "這個詞。

  • THE J&J SHOT IS A BIT LESS EFFECTIVE THAN PFIZER AND

    J&J SHOT比PFIZER和J&J SHOT的效果要差一些。

  • MODERNA, BUT IT COULD MAKE THE PATH TO HERD IMMUNITY MUCH

    MODERNA,但它可以使牧民免疫力的途徑更多。

  • SIMPLER BECAUSE, UNLIKE THE VACCINES THAT HAVE TO BE STORED

    更簡單的原因是,與必須儲存的疫苗不同。

  • AT AROUND NEGATIVE-80 DEGREES, THE NEW ONE CAN BE STORED AT

    在負80度左右的溫度下,新的可以儲存在以下環境中

  • NORMAL REFRIGERATION TEMPERATURES FOR AT LEAST THREE

    正常的冷凍溫度至少為三個月。

  • MONTHS.

    月數:

  • THAT'S SHELF LIFE!

    這就是貨架生活!

  • IT'S THE PICKLES OF THE VACCINE WORLD.

    它是疫苗世界的皮克爾斯。

  • PLUS, A LITTLE OF VACCINE ON YOUR TUNA SALAD?

    另外,在你的TUNA沙拉上加一點疫苗?

  • TWO CHEF KISSES IN ONE MONOLOGUE!

    一段獨白中的兩個廚師之吻!

  • THERE'S EXCITING NEWS IN THE WORLD OF MAIL DELIVERY.

    在郵件遞送的世界裡,有一個令人振奮的消息。

  • YEAH, BRACE YOURSELF!

    是的,準備好了!

  • THE U.S. POSTAL SERVICE JUST UNVEILED THEIR NEW FLEET OF

    美國郵政剛剛發佈了他們的新車隊。

  • DELIVERY TRUCKS, AND THE FUTURE IS ADORABLE!

    送貨車,未來很可愛!

  • THAT THING IS JUST A COUPLE EYEBALLS AWAY FROM A PIXAR

    那東西離皮克斯動畫只有幾顆眼球的距離。

  • MOVIE.

    電影:

  • YOU REALLY GET THE FEELING THAT ENGINE IS GOING TO BE GOING

    你真的感覺到發動機要走了。

  • "PUCKET-A, PUCKET-A, PUCKET-A."

    "PUCKET -A,PUCKET -A,PUCKET -A。"

  • BUT THIS TRUCK ISN'T ALL LOOKS.

    但這輛卡車並不全是樣子。

  • THIS BABY COMES WITH A TON OF COOL FEATURES. LIKE AUTOMATIC

    這個寶貝有很多很酷的功能。像自動

  • FRONT AND REAR BRAKING, TELEMATICS COMPATIBILITY, AND

    前後制動、電傳系統兼容性、以及

  • EVEN A 360-DEGREE CAMERA.

    甚至是一個360度的攝像頭。

  • THAT WAY, OWNERS OF THE OCULUS V.R. HEADSET CAN JACK IN AND

    這樣,OCULUS V.R.頭戴式耳機的用戶就可以插入,並可以在手機上使用。

  • FULLY IMMERSE THEMSELVES IN THE ADRENALINE-PUMPING RUSH OF

    完全沉浸在ADRENALINE-PUMPING RUSH中。

  • DELIVERING A VALPAK.

    提供一個VALPAK。

  • BUT OF COURSE THERE'S A CONTROVERSY.

    但當然有爭議。

  • MANY OF THE NEW TRUCKS WILL BE ELECTRIC, BUT NOT ALL OF THEM.

    許多新卡車將是電動的,但不是全部。

  • AND "THE PRECISE MIX HAS ALREADY ELICITED CRITICISM FROM

    而 "精確的混合物已經引來了以下方面的責備

  • ENVIRONMENTALISTS."

    環境主義者。"

  • I UNDERSTAND THEIR CONCERN.

    我理解他們的擔憂。

  • YOU WANT THE GREENEST VEHICLE POSSIBLE WHEN YOU'RE DELIVERING

    當您送貨時,您需要的是最環保的車輛。

  • THOUSANDS OF POUNDS OF AMAZON RAIN FOREST THAT ARE NOW AMAZON

    數千磅的亞馬遜雨林,現在已經是亞馬遜的了。

  • BOXES.

    盒子:

  • NOW, IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR MORE REASONS TO FEEL PARANOID,

    現在,如果你想找更多的理由讓自己覺得自己是個偏執狂的話

  • REMEMBER, SOMEONE MIGHT BE TRYING TO KIDNAP YOU.

    記住,有人可能會試圖綁架你。

  • AND IT'S YOU.

    而這是你。

  • BECAUSE A MAN IN ARIZONA JUST FAKED HIS OWN KIDNAPPING TO GET

    因為亞利桑那州的一名男子剛剛偽造了他自己的綁架案,以獲得。

  • OUT OF WORK.

    沒工作了

  • DID IT WORK?

    工作了嗎?

  • WE'RE STILL ON THE AIR.

    我們還在空中。

  • SORRY.

    對不起。

  • HERE'S THE SELF-HOSTAGE-TAKER: BRANDON SOULES, IN HIS

    這裡有一個自我挾持者:布蘭登-蘇爾斯,在他的

  • COMBINATION MUGSHOT/MISSING PERSON PHOTO.

    合併MUGSHOT/失蹤人員照片。

  • BRANDON, I SALUTE YOU, SIR.

    布蘭登,我向你致敬,先生。

  • SURE, YOU COULD HAVE JUST CALLED IN SICK, BUT YOU FAKED YOUR OWN

    當然,你本可以請病假,但你卻裝作自己的樣子

  • ABDUCTION.

    戒除:

  • THAT'S A LEVEL OF INGENUITY AND RESOURCEFULNESS THAT I'M

    這是一個水準的創造力和資源,我是。

  • GUESSING YOU DON'T PUT IN AT WORK.

    我猜你在工作中沒有投入。

  • AND THIS WAS NO SIMPLE RUSE.

    而這不是簡單的詭計。

  • POLICE FOUND SOULES ABOUT 55 MILES OUTSIDE OF PHOENIX, WITH

    警方在菲尼克斯郊外約55英里處發現了靈魂,其中包括:

  • HIS HANDS TIED BEHIND HIS BACK BY A BELT, A PURPLE BANDANNA

    他的手被皮帶綁在背後,一條紫色的手帕。

  • STUFFED IN HIS MOUTH, AND HE WAS GOING IN AND OUT OF

    塞進他的嘴裡,他進進出出。

  • CONSCIOUSNESS.

    意識:

  • AGAIN, YOU COULD HAVE JUST TOLD YOUR BOSS YOU HAD A FEVER.

    再一次,你可以直接告訴你的老闆你發燒了。

  • HOW DOES THIS GUY GET OFF THE PHONE WITH TELEMARKETERS?

    這傢伙是怎麼跟電信商下電話的?

  • "WELL, I'D LOVE TO HEAR MORE ABOUT REFINANCING, BUT--

    "好吧,我很想聽到更多關於精煉的資訊,但是--

  • OH, MY GOD!

    哦,我的上帝!

  • THE SCORPIONS!

    天蠍座!

  • THE SCORPIONS!

    天蠍座!

  • THEY'RE DRAGGING AWAY MY DOG!

    他們在拖走我的狗!

  • TAKE ME INSTEAD!

    帶我進去!

  • TAKE ME TO YOUR QUEEEEEN!" CAN WE-- DO WE HAVE A MINUTE?

    帶我去你的廁所!"我們可以... 我們有一分鐘嗎?

  • CAN WE PUT THAT PHOTO BACK UP, JIMMY?

    我們可以把那張照片備份,JIMMY?

  • CAN WE PUT THAT PHOTO BACK UP.

    我們能不能把那張照片放回去。

  • I WANT TO POINT OUT THE POLICE TOOK THIS PHOTO BEFORE THEY

    我想指出,警察在他們之前拍了這張照片。

  • HELPED HIM.

    幫助了他。

  • THE POLICE WENT, "HOLD ON.

    警察走了,"等一下。

  • GET MY CAMERA PHONE.

    得到我的攝影機電話。

  • I'M GOING TO WANT TO REMEMBER THIS."

    我要去想記住這一點。"

  • ( LAUGHTER ) HOW DO YOU TIE YOUR OWN HANDS

    你怎麼把自己的手綁起來?

  • BEHIND YOUR BACK WITH A BELT?

    腰帶在背後?

  • THAT'S-- THE GUY SHOULD BE IN VEGAS!

    那是... ... 這傢伙應該是在維加斯!

  • SOULES'S CLEVER RUSE STARTED TO COME UNDONE WHEN HE TOLD THE

    蘇爾斯的聰明詭計在他告訴我的時候開始失效了。

  • POLICE THAT HE HAD BEEN KIDNAPPED BECAUSE HIS FATHER

    警察說他被綁架了,因為他的父親。

  • HAD A LARGE AMOUNT OF MONEY HIDDEN THROUGHOUT THE DESERT.

    有一大筆錢藏在整個沙漠裡。

  • JUST A SLIGHT EXAGGERATION.

    只是一個輕微的誇張。

  • HIS FATHER DIDN'T HAVE A LARGE AMOUNT OF MONEY HIDDEN IN THE

    他的父親沒有大筆的錢藏在家裡。

  • DESERT, BUT HE DID HAVE AN EXCEPTIONAL AMOUNT OF

    沙漠,但他確實有一個特殊的大量的

  • KNUCKLEHEAD SON.

    手指頭兒子。

  • AFTER THE POLICE INVESTIGATED, THEY ARRESTED HIM ON A CHARGE OF

    警方調查後,以下列罪名將他逮捕: