Teddy, I'm scared.

Baby, we're gonna be fine.

I don't care what any fucking piece of paper says. You're my wife.

I love you so much.

And I swear to God, if we lose,

I'm gonna fucking cut that judge.

Wait a minute. You brought your switchblade?

Yeah.

But they patted us down on the way in here. Where'd you even hide it?

Oh!

Hey, Sam.

Who's that buttnut over there?

That is why we've been working so hard. That's Shep Wild.

It's our bad luck they put him on the trial.

He's never lost a case in his life.

Ms. McCafferty, you and Ted recently considered adopting a child.

Is that correct?

Yeah.

And if I may inquire,

why did you not choose to have a child of your own?

Because Teddy ain't got no dick.

(LAUGHTER)

Uh-huh.

And, uh, why does Ted not possess a, uh, male appendage?

Is it a freak of genetics?

No, asshole, he ain't got a dick because he's a fucking toy!

What's your excuse?

Whoa-ho! Take a burn!

Yeah! How's your tongue taste in your own ass, Poindexter?

Yeah! How'd you... What?

(GAVEL BANGS) Order!

Mr. Bennett,

how would you categorize your relationship with Ted?

He's my best friend.

So you don't see him as your property.

No, he's not my property. He's a person.

He's way more of a person than lots of other people.

I mean, fucking Steven Tyler?

What the fuck is that? Some kind of

weird soccer-mom-looking Goonie monster?

— Your Honor? — I'll allow it.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Your witness.

Mr. Bennett,

when and where did you first encounter Ted?

Oh, what do you mean? My parents got him for me when I was a kid.

A-ha. They "got him."

Where did they get him?

Child World toy store.

I'm sorry, I couldn't hear that. Could you repeat that, please?

Child World toy store. You fucking heard me.

There's no need for hostility, Mr. Bennett.

Why? Nobody here likes you!

I saw you eating lunch alone! You're a loser!

— Your Honor? — Mr. Bennett.

I hope your kids get bird flu!

Mr. Bennett!

I'm sorry.

Now, you said your parents purchased Ted,

as one might purchase a baseball glove or a Big Wheel.

No, it's not like that!

Objection!

You can't do that!

You know what? This is bullshit!

This court is trying to tell me

that I'm not as good as other people,

and this is exactly what you've been doing to the fags!

Ted!

Sorry, sorry. The homos, the homos.

This is exactly what you've been doing

to the homos, and I say it's wrong!

Ms. Jackson, please control your client

or I'll hold both of you in contempt of court!

Oh, piss off!

I'm standing up for me and I'm standing up for the homos!

We deserve respect!

Ted, shut up!

Fine.

(The Angry Birds VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS.)