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  • So, I'll start with this:

    先講個故事

  • a couple years ago, an event planner called me

    幾年前,有個活動策劃打電話給我

  • because I was going to do a speaking event.

    因為我要辦一個講座

  • And she called, and she said,

    她打給我說

  • "I'm really struggling with how

    「我實在想不出來」

  • to write about you on the little flyer."

    「在傳單上要怎麼介紹你」

  • And I thought, "Well, what's the struggle?"

    我想說「為什麼想不出來?」

  • And she said, "Well, I saw you speak,

    她答:「看過你演講」

  • and I'm going to call you a researcher, I think,

    「我想應該稱呼你為研究員」

  • but I'm afraid if I call you a researcher, no one will come,

    「但我怕這樣寫,沒有人會來聽演講」

  • because they'll think you're boring and irrelevant."

    「因為研究員都很無聊、無關緊要」

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • And I was like, "Okay."

    好吧

  • And she said, "But the thing I liked about your talk

    然後她說「但我喜歡你演講的原因」

  • is you're a storyteller.

    「是因為很像在說故事」

  • So I think what I'll do is just call you a storyteller."

    「所以我要稱你為說書人」

  • And of course, the academic, insecure part of me

    我內心學術、沒安全感那面就跳出來

  • was like, "You're going to call me a what?"

    「妳要叫我什麼?」

  • And she said, "I'm going to call you a storyteller."

    她說:「說故事的人阿」

  • And I was like, "Why not magic pixie?"

    我心想:「何不乾脆叫我魔法小精靈?」

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • I was like, "Let me think about this for a second."

    「讓我想一下」

  • I tried to call deep on my courage.

    我鼓起勇氣

  • And I thought, you know, I am a storyteller.

    我想:我是說書人

  • I'm a qualitative researcher.

    我是定性研究員

  • I collect stories; that's what I do.

    我工作就是搜集故事

  • And maybe stories are just data with a soul.

    也許故事就是有靈魂的數據

  • And maybe I'm just a storyteller.

    或許我真的就是說書人

  • And so I said, "You know what?

    我就說:「好吧」

  • Why don't you just say I'm a researcher-storyteller."

    「你就叫我研究說書員」

  • And she went, "Haha. There's no such thing."

    她就回:「哈,沒這東西」

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • So I'm a researcher-storyteller,

    所以我是個研究說書員

  • and I'm going to talk to you today --

    我今天要告訴各位的

  • we're talking about expanding perception --

    是關於看法的擴展

  • and so I want to talk to you and tell some stories

    我要分享給各位幾個故事

  • about a piece of my research

    是我研究的一部份

  • that fundamentally expanded my perception

    這部份徹底的擴展了我的觀點

  • and really actually changed the way that I live and love

    並確實改變了我生活、愛、

  • and work and parent.

    工作、為人父母的過程

  • And this is where my story starts.

    這是我故事的開始

  • When I was a young researcher, doctoral student,

    當時我還是個年輕的研究員,念博士

  • my first year I had a research professor

    第一年,我有個教授

  • who said to us,

    告訴我們

  • "Here's the thing,

    「是這樣的」

  • if you cannot measure it, it does not exist."

    「你無法測量的,就不存在」

  • And I thought he was just sweet-talking me.

    我想他只是講些好聽話而已

  • I was like, "Really?" and he was like, "Absolutely."

    我就說:「真的嗎?」他回:「千真萬確」

  • And so you have to understand

    你們要明白

  • that I have a bachelor's in social work, a master's in social work,

    我學士、碩士都念社工

  • and I was getting my Ph.D. in social work,

    我的博士學位也是社工

  • so my entire academic career

    所以我的學術事業

  • was surrounded by people

    都圍繞著

  • who kind of believed

    一些相信

  • in the "life's messy, love it."

    「生活很混亂,愛它吧」的人

  • And I'm more of the, "life's messy,

    但我是那種「生活很混亂」

  • clean it up, organize it

    「那就收拾整齊」

  • and put it into a bento box."

    「並收進便當盒裡」的人

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • And so to think that I had found my way,

    我想我找到我的路

  • to found a career that takes me --

    發現一個能帶著我的事業

  • really, one of the big sayings in social work

    社工常說的一句話

  • is, "Lean into the discomfort of the work."

    偎緊工作令人不舒服的部份

  • And I'm like, knock discomfort upside the head

    我則是那種,遇到不愉快就趕緊

  • and move it over and get all A's.

    想辦法對付他並拿A

  • That was my mantra.

    我這樣催眠自己

  • So I was very excited about this.

    對此很期待

  • And so I thought, you know what, this is the career for me,

    我想,這就是我要做的大事了

  • because I am interested in some messy topics.

    因為我對這些混亂的話題有興趣

  • But I want to be able to make them not messy.

    但我想讓他們變得不混亂

  • I want to understand them.

    我想搞懂他們

  • I want to hack into these things

    我想徹底研究這些

  • I know are important

    我知道很重要的事

  • and lay the code out for everyone to see.

    並把秘密找出來分享給大家

  • So where I started was with connection.

    所以我從"連結"開始

  • Because, by the time you're a social worker for 10 years,

    因為,當了十年社工

  • what you realize

    你會理解到

  • is that connection is why we're here.

    連結就是我們都在此的原因

  • It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.

    這是我們生命被賦予意義的東西

  • This is what it's all about.

    一切都與這相關

  • It doesn't matter whether you talk to people

    不管你跟哪個領域的人聊天

  • who work in social justice and mental health and abuse and neglect,

    不論是社會公平、心理健康、 受虐與疏忽照顧

  • what we know is that connection,

    我們知道,連結

  • the ability to feel connected, is --

    感受到彼此的連結是

  • neurobiologically that's how we're wired --

    在神經生物學來說,是我們天生的

  • it's why we're here.

    我們在此的原因

  • So I thought, you know what, I'm going to start with connection.

    所以我想,我要以連結開始研究

  • Well, you know that situation

    我想你們都經歷過

  • where you get an evaluation from your boss,

    老闆給的工作評價

  • and she tells you 37 things you do really awesome,

    可能會是37件極佳的表現

  • and one thing -- an "opportunity for growth?"

    但有一件是 -- 尚待改進

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • And all you can think about is that opportunity for growth, right?

    你腦子只會想這那尚待改進的事

  • Well, apparently this is the way my work went as well,

    我的研究也是這樣

  • because, when you ask people about love,

    因為當你問人們關於愛的故事

  • they tell you about heartbreak.

    他們會告訴你心碎的故事

  • When you ask people about belonging,

    當你問人們關於歸屬的故事

  • they'll tell you their most excruciating experiences

    他們會告訴你那些他們被排除在外

  • of being excluded.

    的椎心經驗

  • And when you ask people about connection,

    因為當你問人們關於連結的故事

  • the stories they told me were about disconnection.

    他們會告訴你那些分離的故事

  • So very quickly -- really about six weeks into this research --

    所以很快的,研究開始的六週後

  • I ran into this unnamed thing

    就是這件不知如何命名的事

  • that absolutely unraveled connection

    讓連結瓦解

  • in a way that I didn't understand or had never seen.

    我不懂也從未見過

  • And so I pulled back out of the research

    所以我將研究暫停

  • and thought, I need to figure out what this is.

    我想,我一定要知道這是為什麼

  • And it turned out to be shame.

    原來就是羞恥

  • And shame is really easily understood

    羞恥很好理解

  • as the fear of disconnection:

    就是害怕失去連結

  • Is there something about me

    我的哪些部份

  • that, if other people know it or see it,

    如果外人知道了

  • that I won't be worthy of connection?

    會不會不想與我往來

  • The things I can tell you about it:

    羞恥,我可以告訴你們

  • it's universal; we all have it.

    是普遍存在的,我們都有

  • The only people who don't experience shame

    那些沒有羞恥心的人

  • have no capacity for human empathy or connection.

    沒有同情心與人類連結

  • No one wants to talk about it,

    沒人想談羞恥

  • and the less you talk about it the more you have it.

    越不談感受越大

  • What underpinned this shame,

    鞏固羞恥的東西

  • this "I'm not good enough," --

    這種「我不夠好」的感受

  • which we all know that feeling:

    我想我們都經歷過

  • "I'm not blank enough. I'm not thin enough,

    「不夠徹底、不夠纖瘦」

  • rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough,

    「不夠有錢、不夠漂亮、不夠聰明」

  • promoted enough."

    「不夠有才」

  • The thing that underpinned this

    支撐這種

  • was excruciating vulnerability,

    極痛苦的脆弱感的

  • this idea of,

    是這種

  • in order for connection to happen,

    為了要有連結

  • we have to allow ourselves to be seen,

    我們必須讓自己被看見

  • really seen.

    真的被看見

  • And you know how I feel about vulnerability. I hate vulnerability.

    各位都知道,我恨脆弱

  • And so I thought, this is my chance

    所以我想,這是我

  • to beat it back with my measuring stick.

    用量尺贏回來的機會

  • I'm going in, I'm going to figure this stuff out,

    我一定要搞懂這東西

  • I'm going to spend a year, I'm going to totally deconstruct shame,

    我要花一年的時間,破解羞恥

  • I'm going to understand how vulnerability works,

    我一定要了解脆弱是如何運作

  • and I'm going to outsmart it.

    我要打敗它

  • So I was ready, and I was really excited.

    我準備好了,也很興奮

  • As you know, it's not going to turn out well.

    各位也知道,結果沒有很好

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • You know this.

    你們都懂

  • So, I could tell you a lot about shame,

    關於羞恥我可以講很多

  • but I'd have to borrow everyone else's time.

    但會佔用到其他講者的時間

  • But here's what I can tell you that it boils down to --

    我可以告訴你的是,研究最終

  • and this may be one of the most important things that I've ever learned

    這是我十年的研究所學到最重要

  • in the decade of doing this research.

    的其中一件事

  • My one year

    我的一年

  • turned into six years:

    變成六年

  • thousands of stories,

    數千個故事

  • hundreds of long interviews, focus groups.

    數百個面談,團體會晤

  • At one point, people were sending me journal pages

    某階段還有人寄給我日記手札

  • and sending me their stories --

    告訴我他們的故事

  • thousands of pieces of data in six years.

    六年間有數千筆數據

  • And I kind of got a handle on it.

    我也大概弄懂了

  • I kind of understood, this is what shame is,

    我有點明白羞恥是什麼

  • this is how it works.

    是怎麼運作的

  • I wrote a book,

    我寫了本書

  • I published a theory,

    出版了個理論

  • but something was not okay --

    但有件事還是不對

  • and what it was is that,

    就是

  • if I roughly took the people I interviewed

    我將我訪問過的人

  • and divided them into people

    分為兩組

  • who really have a sense of worthiness --

    一組是認為自己有價值的人 --

  • that's what this comes down to,

    這也是核心的部份

  • a sense of worthiness --

    個人價值感 --

  • they have a strong sense of love and belonging --

    這些人有很強的愛與歸屬感

  • and folks who struggle for it,

    另一組是掙扎的人

  • and folks who are always wondering if they're good enough.

    他們總想自己是否夠好

  • There was only one variable

    兩組間只有一個可變因素

  • that separated the people who have

    有強烈愛與歸屬感的人

  • a strong sense of love and belonging

    與掙扎的人之間

  • and the people who really struggle for it.

    只有一個可變因素

  • And that was, the people who have

    這就是,那些

  • a strong sense of love and belonging

    有強烈愛與歸屬感的人

  • believe they're worthy of love and belonging.

    相信他們是值得愛與歸屬的

  • That's it.

    就這樣

  • They believe they're worthy.

    他們相信這是值得的

  • And to me, the hard part

    對我來說,困難的部份

  • of the one thing that keeps us out of connection

    唯一讓我們無法連結的部份

  • is our fear that we're not worthy of connection,

    就是害怕我們不值得彼此連結

  • was something that, personally and professionally,

    這個在個人以及工作上來說

  • I felt like I needed to understand better.

    我覺得我應該要更精確理解

  • So what I did

    所以我

  • is I took all of the interviews

    將所有的訪談裡

  • where I saw worthiness, where I saw people living that way,

    看得出個人價值感的案例拿出來

  • and just looked at those.

    只看這些人

  • What do these people have in common?

    這些人有什麼共同點?

  • I have a slight office supply addiction,

    我對辦公用品有點龜毛

  • but that's another talk.

    但這是另一個故事了

  • So I had a manila folder, and I had a Sharpie,

    我拿了個分類文件夾、一隻簽字筆

  • and I was like, what am I going to call this research?

    我就想,這研究要怎麼稱呼?

  • And the first words that came to my mind

    我想到的第一個字就是

  • were whole-hearted.

    全心全意

  • These are whole-hearted people, living from this deep sense of worthiness.

    這些都是全心付出的人,以強烈價值感活著

  • So I wrote at the top of the manila folder,

    所以我在資料夾上這樣寫

  • and I started looking at the data.

    並開始看我所找到的資料

  • In fact, I did it first

    事實上

  • in a four-day

    我所做的是

  • very intensive data analysis,

    前四天都密集研究資料

  • where I went back, pulled these interviews, pulled the stories, pulled the incidents.

    回到最初的訪問、故事、事件

  • What's the theme? What's the pattern?

    主題是什麼?模式是什麼?

  • My husband left town with the kids

    我老公帶孩子出遠門

  • because I always go into this Jackson Pollock crazy thing,

    因為我整個廢寢忘食

  • where I'm just like writing

    我狂寫資料

  • and in my researcher mode.

    進入我"研究員模式"

  • And so here's what I found.

    我的研究結果是這樣的

  • What they had in common

    他們共有的

  • was a sense of courage.

    是勇氣(courage)

  • And I want to separate courage and bravery for you for a minute.

    我想簡單解釋勇氣(courage)與勇敢(bravery)的不同

  • Courage, the original definition of courage,

    勇氣最初的定義

  • when it first came into the English language --

    最早變成英語的時候

  • it's from the Latin word cor, meaning heart --

    是拉丁字源cor,表示"心(heart)"

  • and the original definition

    而它最初的定義

  • was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.

    就是全心全意講述關於你自己的故事

  • And so these folks

    所以這些人

  • had, very simply, the courage

    有著承認不完美

  • to be imperfect.

    的勇氣

  • They had the compassion

    他們有同情心

  • to be kind to themselves first and then to others,

    對自己好之後對別人好

  • because, as it turns out, we can't practice compassion with other people

    因為,後來發現,你要對別人有同情心

  • if we can't treat ourselves kindly.

    就一定要先對自己好

  • And the last was they had connection,

    最後,他們都有著連結

  • and -- this was the hard part --

    這是困難的部份

  • as a result of authenticity,

    就是"真實性"的結果

  • they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be

    他們願意放下他們想成為的自己

  • in order to be who they were,

    為了做真正的自己

  • which you have to absolutely do that

    而為了與人連結

  • for connection.

    就必須這麼做

  • The other thing that they had in common

    他們的另一個共通點

  • was this:

    是這個

  • They fully embraced vulnerability.

    他們坦蕩的接受脆弱

  • They believed

    他們相信

  • that what made them vulnerable

    讓他們脆弱的

  • made them beautiful.

    會讓他們美麗

  • They didn't talk about vulnerability

    他們並不是說脆弱

  • being comfortable,

    是很自在的事

  • nor did they really talk about it being excruciating --

    也不是很痛心的事

  • as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing.

    從我早期"羞恥"訪問中發現的

  • They just talked about it being necessary.

    他們認為脆弱是必須的

  • They talked about the willingness

    他們談到願意先說

  • to say, "I love you" first,

    「我愛你」

  • the willingness

    願意

  • to do something

    去做那些

  • where