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So, I'll start with this:
先講個故事
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a couple years ago, an event planner called me
幾年前,有個活動策劃打電話給我
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because I was going to do a speaking event.
因為我要辦一個講座
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And she called, and she said,
她打給我說
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"I'm really struggling with how
「我實在想不出來」
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to write about you on the little flyer."
「在傳單上要怎麼介紹你」
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And I thought, "Well, what's the struggle?"
我想說「為什麼想不出來?」
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And she said, "Well, I saw you speak,
她答:「看過你演講」
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and I'm going to call you a researcher, I think,
「我想應該稱呼你為研究員」
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but I'm afraid if I call you a researcher, no one will come,
「但我怕這樣寫,沒有人會來聽演講」
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because they'll think you're boring and irrelevant."
「因為研究員都很無聊、無關緊要」
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(Laughter)
(笑聲)
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And I was like, "Okay."
好吧
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And she said, "But the thing I liked about your talk
然後她說「但我喜歡你演講的原因」
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is you're a storyteller.
「是因為很像在說故事」
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So I think what I'll do is just call you a storyteller."
「所以我要稱你為說書人」
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And of course, the academic, insecure part of me
我內心學術、沒安全感那面就跳出來
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was like, "You're going to call me a what?"
「妳要叫我什麼?」
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And she said, "I'm going to call you a storyteller."
她說:「說故事的人阿」
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And I was like, "Why not magic pixie?"
我心想:「何不乾脆叫我魔法小精靈?」
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(Laughter)
(笑聲)
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I was like, "Let me think about this for a second."
「讓我想一下」
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I tried to call deep on my courage.
我鼓起勇氣
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And I thought, you know, I am a storyteller.
我想:我是說書人
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I'm a qualitative researcher.
我是定性研究員
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I collect stories; that's what I do.
我工作就是搜集故事
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And maybe stories are just data with a soul.
也許故事就是有靈魂的數據
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And maybe I'm just a storyteller.
或許我真的就是說書人
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And so I said, "You know what?
我就說:「好吧」
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Why don't you just say I'm a researcher-storyteller."
「你就叫我研究說書員」
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And she went, "Haha. There's no such thing."
她就回:「哈,沒這東西」
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(Laughter)
(笑聲)
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So I'm a researcher-storyteller,
所以我是個研究說書員
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and I'm going to talk to you today --
我今天要告訴各位的
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we're talking about expanding perception --
是關於看法的擴展
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and so I want to talk to you and tell some stories
我要分享給各位幾個故事
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about a piece of my research
是我研究的一部份
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that fundamentally expanded my perception
這部份徹底的擴展了我的觀點
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and really actually changed the way that I live and love
並確實改變了我生活、愛、
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and work and parent.
工作、為人父母的過程
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And this is where my story starts.
這是我故事的開始
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When I was a young researcher, doctoral student,
當時我還是個年輕的研究員,念博士
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my first year I had a research professor
第一年,我有個教授
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who said to us,
告訴我們
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"Here's the thing,
「是這樣的」
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if you cannot measure it, it does not exist."
「你無法測量的,就不存在」
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And I thought he was just sweet-talking me.
我想他只是講些好聽話而已
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I was like, "Really?" and he was like, "Absolutely."
我就說:「真的嗎?」他回:「千真萬確」
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And so you have to understand
你們要明白
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that I have a bachelor's in social work, a master's in social work,
我學士、碩士都念社工
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and I was getting my Ph.D. in social work,
我的博士學位也是社工
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so my entire academic career
所以我的學術事業
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was surrounded by people
都圍繞著
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who kind of believed
一些相信
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in the "life's messy, love it."
「生活很混亂,愛它吧」的人
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And I'm more of the, "life's messy,
但我是那種「生活很混亂」
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clean it up, organize it
「那就收拾整齊」
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and put it into a bento box."
「並收進便當盒裡」的人
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(Laughter)
(笑聲)
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And so to think that I had found my way,
我想我找到我的路
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to found a career that takes me --
發現一個能帶著我的事業
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really, one of the big sayings in social work
社工常說的一句話
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is, "Lean into the discomfort of the work."
偎緊工作令人不舒服的部份
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And I'm like, knock discomfort upside the head
我則是那種,遇到不愉快就趕緊
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and move it over and get all A's.
想辦法對付他並拿A
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That was my mantra.
我這樣催眠自己
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So I was very excited about this.
對此很期待
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And so I thought, you know what, this is the career for me,
我想,這就是我要做的大事了
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because I am interested in some messy topics.
因為我對這些混亂的話題有興趣
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But I want to be able to make them not messy.
但我想讓他們變得不混亂
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I want to understand them.
我想搞懂他們
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I want to hack into these things
我想徹底研究這些
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I know are important
我知道很重要的事
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and lay the code out for everyone to see.
並把秘密找出來分享給大家
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So where I started was with connection.
所以我從"連結"開始
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Because, by the time you're a social worker for 10 years,
因為,當了十年社工
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what you realize
你會理解到
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is that connection is why we're here.
連結就是我們都在此的原因
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It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.
這是我們生命被賦予意義的東西
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This is what it's all about.
一切都與這相關
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It doesn't matter whether you talk to people
不管你跟哪個領域的人聊天
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who work in social justice and mental health and abuse and neglect,
不論是社會公平、心理健康、 受虐與疏忽照顧
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what we know is that connection,
我們知道,連結
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the ability to feel connected, is --
感受到彼此的連結是
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neurobiologically that's how we're wired --
在神經生物學來說,是我們天生的
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it's why we're here.
我們在此的原因
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So I thought, you know what, I'm going to start with connection.
所以我想,我要以連結開始研究
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Well, you know that situation
我想你們都經歷過
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where you get an evaluation from your boss,
老闆給的工作評價
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and she tells you 37 things you do really awesome,
可能會是37件極佳的表現
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and one thing -- an "opportunity for growth?"
但有一件是 -- 尚待改進
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(Laughter)
(笑聲)
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And all you can think about is that opportunity for growth, right?
你腦子只會想這那尚待改進的事
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Well, apparently this is the way my work went as well,
我的研究也是這樣
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because, when you ask people about love,
因為當你問人們關於愛的故事
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they tell you about heartbreak.
他們會告訴你心碎的故事
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When you ask people about belonging,
當你問人們關於歸屬的故事
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they'll tell you their most excruciating experiences
他們會告訴你那些他們被排除在外
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of being excluded.
的椎心經驗
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And when you ask people about connection,
因為當你問人們關於連結的故事
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the stories they told me were about disconnection.
他們會告訴你那些分離的故事
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So very quickly -- really about six weeks into this research --
所以很快的,研究開始的六週後
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I ran into this unnamed thing
就是這件不知如何命名的事
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that absolutely unraveled connection
讓連結瓦解
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in a way that I didn't understand or had never seen.
我不懂也從未見過
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And so I pulled back out of the research
所以我將研究暫停
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and thought, I need to figure out what this is.
我想,我一定要知道這是為什麼
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And it turned out to be shame.
原來就是羞恥
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And shame is really easily understood
羞恥很好理解
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as the fear of disconnection:
就是害怕失去連結
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Is there something about me
我的哪些部份
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that, if other people know it or see it,
如果外人知道了
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that I won't be worthy of connection?
會不會不想與我往來
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The things I can tell you about it:
羞恥,我可以告訴你們
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it's universal; we all have it.
是普遍存在的,我們都有
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The only people who don't experience shame
那些沒有羞恥心的人
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have no capacity for human empathy or connection.
沒有同情心與人類連結
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No one wants to talk about it,
沒人想談羞恥
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and the less you talk about it the more you have it.
越不談感受越大
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What underpinned this shame,
鞏固羞恥的東西
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this "I'm not good enough," --
這種「我不夠好」的感受
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which we all know that feeling:
我想我們都經歷過
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"I'm not blank enough. I'm not thin enough,
「不夠徹底、不夠纖瘦」
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rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough,
「不夠有錢、不夠漂亮、不夠聰明」
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promoted enough."
「不夠有才」
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The thing that underpinned this
支撐這種
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was excruciating vulnerability,
極痛苦的脆弱感的
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this idea of,
是這種
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in order for connection to happen,
為了要有連結
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we have to allow ourselves to be seen,
我們必須讓自己被看見
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really seen.
真的被看見
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And you know how I feel about vulnerability. I hate vulnerability.
各位都知道,我恨脆弱
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And so I thought, this is my chance
所以我想,這是我
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to beat it back with my measuring stick.
用量尺贏回來的機會
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I'm going in, I'm going to figure this stuff out,
我一定要搞懂這東西
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I'm going to spend a year, I'm going to totally deconstruct shame,
我要花一年的時間,破解羞恥
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I'm going to understand how vulnerability works,
我一定要了解脆弱是如何運作
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and I'm going to outsmart it.
我要打敗它
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So I was ready, and I was really excited.
我準備好了,也很興奮
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As you know, it's not going to turn out well.
各位也知道,結果沒有很好
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(Laughter)
(笑聲)
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You know this.
你們都懂
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So, I could tell you a lot about shame,
關於羞恥我可以講很多
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but I'd have to borrow everyone else's time.
但會佔用到其他講者的時間
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But here's what I can tell you that it boils down to --
我可以告訴你的是,研究最終
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and this may be one of the most important things that I've ever learned
這是我十年的研究所學到最重要
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in the decade of doing this research.
的其中一件事
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My one year
我的一年
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turned into six years:
變成六年
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thousands of stories,
數千個故事
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hundreds of long interviews, focus groups.
數百個面談,團體會晤
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At one point, people were sending me journal pages
某階段還有人寄給我日記手札
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and sending me their stories --
告訴我他們的故事
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thousands of pieces of data in six years.
六年間有數千筆數據
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And I kind of got a handle on it.
我也大概弄懂了
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I kind of understood, this is what shame is,
我有點明白羞恥是什麼
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this is how it works.
是怎麼運作的
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I wrote a book,
我寫了本書
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I published a theory,
出版了個理論
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but something was not okay --
但有件事還是不對
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and what it was is that,
就是
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if I roughly took the people I interviewed
我將我訪問過的人
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and divided them into people
分為兩組
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who really have a sense of worthiness --
一組是認為自己有價值的人 --
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that's what this comes down to,
這也是核心的部份
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a sense of worthiness --
個人價值感 --
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they have a strong sense of love and belonging --
這些人有很強的愛與歸屬感
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and folks who struggle for it,
另一組是掙扎的人
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and folks who are always wondering if they're good enough.
他們總想自己是否夠好
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There was only one variable
兩組間只有一個可變因素
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that separated the people who have
有強烈愛與歸屬感的人
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a strong sense of love and belonging
與掙扎的人之間
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and the people who really struggle for it.
只有一個可變因素
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And that was, the people who have
這就是,那些
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a strong sense of love and belonging
有強烈愛與歸屬感的人
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believe they're worthy of love and belonging.
相信他們是值得愛與歸屬的
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That's it.
就這樣
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They believe they're worthy.
他們相信這是值得的
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And to me, the hard part
對我來說,困難的部份
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of the one thing that keeps us out of connection
唯一讓我們無法連結的部份
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is our fear that we're not worthy of connection,
就是害怕我們不值得彼此連結
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was something that, personally and professionally,
這個在個人以及工作上來說
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I felt like I needed to understand better.
我覺得我應該要更精確理解
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So what I did
所以我
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is I took all of the interviews
將所有的訪談裡
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where I saw worthiness, where I saw people living that way,
看得出個人價值感的案例拿出來
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and just looked at those.
只看這些人
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What do these people have in common?
這些人有什麼共同點?
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I have a slight office supply addiction,
我對辦公用品有點龜毛
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but that's another talk.
但這是另一個故事了
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So I had a manila folder, and I had a Sharpie,
我拿了個分類文件夾、一隻簽字筆
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and I was like, what am I going to call this research?
我就想,這研究要怎麼稱呼?
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And the first words that came to my mind
我想到的第一個字就是
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were whole-hearted.
全心全意
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These are whole-hearted people, living from this deep sense of worthiness.
這些都是全心付出的人,以強烈價值感活著
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So I wrote at the top of the manila folder,
所以我在資料夾上這樣寫
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and I started looking at the data.
並開始看我所找到的資料
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In fact, I did it first
事實上
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in a four-day
我所做的是
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very intensive data analysis,
前四天都密集研究資料
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where I went back, pulled these interviews, pulled the stories, pulled the incidents.
回到最初的訪問、故事、事件
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What's the theme? What's the pattern?
主題是什麼?模式是什麼?
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My husband left town with the kids
我老公帶孩子出遠門
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because I always go into this Jackson Pollock crazy thing,
因為我整個廢寢忘食
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where I'm just like writing
我狂寫資料
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and in my researcher mode.
進入我"研究員模式"
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And so here's what I found.
我的研究結果是這樣的
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What they had in common
他們共有的
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was a sense of courage.
是勇氣(courage)
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And I want to separate courage and bravery for you for a minute.
我想簡單解釋勇氣(courage)與勇敢(bravery)的不同
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Courage, the original definition of courage,
勇氣最初的定義
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when it first came into the English language --
最早變成英語的時候
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it's from the Latin word cor, meaning heart --
是拉丁字源cor,表示"心(heart)"
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and the original definition
而它最初的定義
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was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.
就是全心全意講述關於你自己的故事
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And so these folks
所以這些人
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had, very simply, the courage
有著承認不完美
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to be imperfect.
的勇氣
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They had the compassion
他們有同情心
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to be kind to themselves first and then to others,
對自己好之後對別人好
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because, as it turns out, we can't practice compassion with other people
因為,後來發現,你要對別人有同情心
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if we can't treat ourselves kindly.
就一定要先對自己好
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And the last was they had connection,
最後,他們都有著連結
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and -- this was the hard part --
這是困難的部份
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as a result of authenticity,
就是"真實性"的結果
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they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be
他們願意放下他們想成為的自己
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in order to be who they were,
為了做真正的自己
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which you have to absolutely do that
而為了與人連結
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for connection.
就必須這麼做
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The other thing that they had in common
他們的另一個共通點
-
was this:
是這個
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They fully embraced vulnerability.
他們坦蕩的接受脆弱
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They believed
他們相信
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that what made them vulnerable
讓他們脆弱的
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made them beautiful.
會讓他們美麗
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They didn't talk about vulnerability
他們並不是說脆弱
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being comfortable,
是很自在的事
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nor did they really talk about it being excruciating --
也不是很痛心的事
-
as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing.
從我早期"羞恥"訪問中發現的
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They just talked about it being necessary.
他們認為脆弱是必須的
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They talked about the willingness
他們談到願意先說
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to say, "I love you" first,
「我愛你」
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the willingness
願意
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to do something
去做那些
-
where