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  • Today I want to talk about something serious, if you don't mind.

    如果你們不介意,今天我想談一件嚴重的事情。

  • I realize that Portia has a problem, and I believe it's serious.

    我發現 Portia 有一個毛病,我覺得相當嚴重。

  • Portia is addicted to lotions.

    Portia 對乳液上癮。

  • She is a lotion hoarder.

    她是一個乳液囤積商。

  • And, I don't know how it took me so long to notice this, but she has bottles and bottles of lotion.

    我不知道我為何花這麼久才注意到這件事,但她有一罐接著一罐的乳液。

  • There are bottles...they are lined up on the counter which I thought that's all they were.

    那些瓶子...它們排在檯面上,我以為那些就是全部了。

  • But then under the sink, there is baskets of lotions.

    但在水槽下方,又有一籃接著一籃的乳液。

  • She has lotions from cheap drug stores.

    她有從便宜藥局買來的乳液。

  • She has real fancy ones from the Marriott and the Holiday Inn.

    也有從萬華酒店或是假日酒店買來的高級貨。

  • Lord knows what she is spending on that.

    天曉得她在這上面花了多少錢。

  • And, she has every kind of lotion that there is, and there is a lot of lotions.

    而且她所有款式的乳液都有,市面上真的有很多乳液。

  • I don't know if you know this, but there is a lotion for your face, there's a lotion for your hands, there's a lotion for your feet, there's a lotion for your body.

    我不知道你們是否知道這件事,但有塗在臉上的乳液、有塗抹在手上的乳液、有擦在腳上的乳液,也有抹在身上的乳液。

  • Why?

    為什麼?

  • Why? What would happen if you put lotion on your feet instead of your hands.

    為什麼? 假如你將擦在手上的乳液,擦在腳上到底會發生什麼事。

  • Would your feet get confused, and start clapping?

    你的腳會感到困惑而開始拍手嗎?

  • What's the...how does it differ? How does it know?

    到底...它是怎麼區分的?它是如何知道的?

  • Oh, I'm supposed to be on the feet, not the hands.

    喔!我應該被擦在手上,不是擦在腳上。

  • And each kind says something special for your skin, it has aloe, or shea butter, or coconut or cocoa butter, or vanilla, lemon extract.

    而且每一種都說有針對肌膚的特殊成分,有蘆薈、乳油木、椰子、可可脂、香草還有檸檬萃取物。

  • That's one ingredient short of a bundt cake.

    那與邦特蛋糕只差一個成分。

  • So, a lot of different things in there.

    真的有很多東西在裡面。

  • And, don't get me wrong, I like lotion.

    但不要誤會,我是喜歡乳液的。

  • I use moisturizers on my face, I have to, it's my money maker.

    我會在臉上使用保濕霜,我必須這樣,它是我的搖錢樹。

  • And I have the hand lotion I use, because when I shake my guest's hands, I like to experience my suppleness of my hands.

    還有我使用的那個護手霜,因為當我跟來賓握手時,我喜歡感受我手上的柔順感。

  • But hand lotion can be tricky, because you have to be smart about when you put it on.

    但是護手霜比較棘手,因為你需要聰明地挑選使用時機。

  • If you put it on right before you work out, you're gonna slip right off of that stripper pole.

    假如你在健身前使用,你絕對會從鋼管上滑下來。

  • It's hard to hang on.

    要撐在上面很困難。

  • You slide around and you're on the ground; it hard to get your legs up in the air.

    你滑了一圈,然後掉到地上,要把腳舉到空中會相當困難。

  • You know ladies.

    女士們,你們了解的。

  • And, y'all know, you have to know how much to put on, too.

    然後,你們知道的,你也必須知道要使用多少量。

  • You don't want to overdo it.

    你不會想用太多。

  • Because, uh, this morning, Portia got stuck in the bathroom for an hour trying to turn the door knob.

    因為,痾...今天早上 Portia 被困在浴室中一個小時,試著要轉開門把。

  • It's like...

    像這樣...

  • And then I had to remind her that we have a door that slides.

    然後我必須提醒她,我們的門是用滑的。

  • But anyway, She's pretty.

    無論如何,她很漂亮。

  • I love you.

    我愛你。

  • Have you been around somebody who puts too much lotion on, and they want to give you the extra?

    你身邊曾經有人使用太多乳液,然後想把多的給你的嗎?

  • Uh, it feels more intimate than a sleepover.

    痾...這比留宿過夜還要親密。

  • They're all, they're like...

    他們都像這樣...

  • If I'm gonna let a stranger rub lotion on me, there's gonna be candles, and music, and mall shoppers around me.

    假如我要讓一個陌生人在我的身上塗乳液,那一定要蠟燭、音樂,以及在我身邊走動的購物者。

  • I'm not...

    我不要...

  • Well today's the first day of spring, and I have a spring cleaning challenge.

    今天是春天的第一天,我有一個春季清掃挑戰。

  • Everyone should get rid of all the lotions they don't use anymore.

    每個人都應該處理掉不再使用的乳液。

  • And by everyone, I mean Portia.

    我的每個人指的就是 Portia。

  • At least combine, like they have the half bottles.

    最起碼把它們混合在一起,像那種剩半罐的。

  • Combine all the half bottles in one giant bottle of lotion, that smells like a baby eating a cucumber, and orange grill.

    把那些剩下半罐的合併在一起,變成一罐巨大的乳液,聞起來就像一個嬰兒在吃小黃瓜,或是燒烤柳橙。

  • That would be...

    那就會像是...

  • Alright, I'm done talking about lotion, tune in tomorrow when I talk about Portia's expensive nail polish collection.

    好了,我今天已經講夠了乳液,明天請準時收看我談論 Portia 昂貴的指甲油收藏。

  • And now I should lather you all up with this dance.

    現在我將以這支舞來振奮你們。

Today I want to talk about something serious, if you don't mind.

如果你們不介意,今天我想談一件嚴重的事情。

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B2 中高級 中文 美國腔 TheEllenShow 使用 指甲油 合併 準時 振奮

【艾倫秀】Ellen 受不了乳液 (Memorable Monologue: Lotions )

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    Colin Lin   發佈於 2020 年 09 月 24 日
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