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  • Transcriber: Ivana Korom Reviewer: Krystian Aparta

    譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Helen Chang

  • So our story started several years ago,

    我要說的故事開始於幾年前,

  • when my wife and I got a complaint letter in the mail

    我和我妻子收到了

  • from an anonymous neighbor.

    一封匿名鄰居的抗議信。

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • I'll never forget the way my wife transformed before my eyes

    我永遠無法忘記我妻子 在我眼前發生的轉變,

  • from this graceful, peaceful, sweet woman

    從優雅、和平、甜美的女子,

  • into just an angry mother grizzly bear whose cubs needed to be protected.

    變成要保護小熊的 憤怒兇悍母灰棕熊。

  • It was intense.

    氣氛很緊繃。

  • So here's what happened.

    事情是這樣的。

  • This is our family.

    這是我們的家庭。

  • This is my wife and I and our five awesome kids.

    這是我和我妻子, 還有我們的五個好孩子。

  • We're pretty loud, we're pretty rambunctious,

    我們聲音很大,很會喧鬧,

  • we're us.

    我們就是我們。

  • You'll notice, though, that two of our children

    不過你會發現有兩個孩子 不太像我和瑪莉,

  • look a little different than Mary and I,

    那是因為他們是我們收養的孩子。

  • and that's because they came to us through adoption.

    不過,我們的鄰居看到了 兩個外表不同的孩子,

  • Our neighbor, though, saw two different-looking children

    每天在我們家外面玩耍,

  • playing outside of our house every day

    就下了定論,

  • and came to the conclusion

    認為我們一定在家中 經營非法的托兒服務。

  • that we must have been running an illegal day care out of our home.

    (低語聲)

  • (Murmuring)

    我們的孩子被套上這種 刻板印象,讓我們非常生氣,

  • We were really angry to have our children stereotyped like that,

    但我知道,就種族描述來說, 這相對只是個輕微的例子。

  • but I know that's a relatively minor example of racial profiling.

    但,我們所有人不也是 偶爾會做出這種行為嗎?

  • But isn't it sometimes what we all tend to do

    針對想法不同的人,

  • with people who think differently,

    信念不同的人,或甚至 投票給不同候選人的人?

  • or believe differently or maybe even vote differently?

    我們不像真鄰居一樣 會去接觸、連結,

  • Instead of engaging as true neighbors,

    反而保持距離,

  • we keep our distance

    而我們對那些人的行為,

  • and our actions towards those

    會取決於我們認為 誰的世界和我們相同,

  • are guided by who we think sees the world as we do

    或我們認為誰不同。

  • or who we think doesn't.

    我鄰居就是處在 所謂的「爭勝」狀況。

  • See, what my neighbor suffered from is a condition called agonism.

    有時我們都有這種狀況。

  • And sometimes we all suffer from the same condition.

    它並不是一種疾病,卻會傳染。

  • It's not a medical condition, but it is contagious.

    咱們先來談一下爭勝是什麼。

  • So let's talk a little bit about what agonism is.

    我最喜歡這個對爭勝的定義:

  • My favorite definition of agonism

    在非戰爭的情況中 採取像作戰的態度。

  • is taking a warlike stance in contexts that are not literally war.

    爭勝(Agonism)一詞 來自希臘字根「agon」,

  • Agonism comes from the same Greek root word "agon"

    也是「痛苦(agony)」的字根。

  • from which we get "agony."

    真是太貼切了。

  • How very appropriate.

    當我們堅持兩種很深刻的信念時,

  • We all tend to show symptoms of agonism

    通常會出現爭勝的症狀,

  • when we hold on to two deeply held beliefs,

    這是作家華理克牧師最先辨認出的。

  • first identified by author Rick Warren.

    第一種信念是認為 如果我們愛某個人,

  • The first one is that if love someone,

    我們就得要認同 他所有的作為或信念。

  • we must agree with all they do or believe.

    第二種正好相反,

  • And the second is the inverse,

    如果我們不認同某人,

  • that if we disagree with someone,

    那就必定表示我們恐懼或討厭他。

  • it must mean that we fear or we hate them.

    不確定當我們的關係結束時,

  • Not sure we really recognize the agony this way of thinking brings to us,

    我們都知道這種思考方式 會帶給我們怎樣的痛苦,

  • when our relationships die

    只因為我們認為不論如何

  • because we think we have to agree or disagree

    我們都必須要認同或不認同。

  • no matter what.

    試想這些話題:

  • Think about the conversations we've had around Brexit,

    英國脫歐、

  • or Hong Kong,

    香港議題、

  • maybe Israeli settlements or perhaps impeachment.

    以色列屯墾區、

  • I bet we could all think of at least one personal relationship

    彈劾。

  • that's been strained or maybe even ended because of these topics,

    我敢說我們都能想到 至少一段個人的關係

  • or tragically,

    因為這些話題 而變得緊繃或甚至破裂;

  • over a topic much more trivial than those.

    甚至很不幸地

  • The cure for agonism is not out of reach.

    因為更瑣碎的話題就發生這種狀況。

  • The question is how.

    爭勝還是有可取得的解藥。

  • So might I suggest two strategies

    問題是如何取得。

  • that my experience has taught me to start with.

    因此,我想提議 經驗教我的兩種策略。

  • First, cultivate common ground,

    第一,培養共通點,

  • which means focusing on what we share.

    意思就是把注意力 放在我們共同的部分。

  • I want you to know I'm using my words very, very deliberately.

    請注意,我的用字是非常刻意的。

  • By "cultivate," I mean we have to intentionally work

    我說的「培養」指的是我們得要

  • to find common ground with someone.

    有意地去找到和某人的共通點。

  • Just like a farmer works to cultivate the soil.

    就像農民努力去耕作 (與培養同字)土壤。

  • And common ground is a common term,

    而「共通點」是個常見的詞,

  • so let me at least explain what I don't mean,

    讓我至少解釋一下 我指的不是什麼,

  • which is I don't mean by common ground that we were exact,

    我說的共通點 並不是我們精確無差別,

  • or that we totally agree and approve.

    也不是我們完全認同和同意。

  • All I mean is that we find one unifying thing

    我的意思是,我們要在 與另一個人的關係當中

  • that we can have in a relationship in common with another person.

    找到一件我們共有的統一事物。

  • You know, sometimes that one thing is hard to find.

    有時那件事物很難找。

  • So I'd like to share a personal story,

    所以我想說個我自己的故事。

  • but before I do,

    但在這之前,

  • let me tell you a little bit more about myself.

    讓我先跟各位簡述一下我自己。

  • I'm Caucasian,

    我是白種人,

  • cisgender male,

    出生就是男性,

  • middle class, evangelical Christian.

    中產階級,基督教福音教派。

  • And I know, as soon as some of those words came out of my mouth,

    我知道,當我說出那些詞時,

  • some of you had some perceptions about me.

    有人就已經對我產生某些看法了。

  • And it's OK,

    沒關係,我知道那些看法 不見得都是正面的。

  • I know that not all those perceptions are positive.

    但對於和我信仰相同的人,

  • But for those who share my faith,

    會知道我接下來會違反常理。

  • know that I'm about to cut across the grain.

    你們也可以對我充耳不聞。

  • And you may tune me out as well.

    過程中,若我的陳述 會讓你不舒服,

  • So as we go,

    我想溫和地請你反思一下,

  • if you're having a hard time hearing me,

    看你是否相信了爭勝。

  • I just gently ask that you reflect

    如果你抗拒我,只是因為 你認為你的世界觀與我不同,

  • and see if you're buying into agonism.

    那不就是我們在這裡要談的嗎?

  • If you're rejecting me

    準備好了嗎?

  • simply because you think you see the world differently than I do,

    關於要如何在性別流動性的 領域中找到共通點,

  • because isn't that what we're here talking about?

    我以福音教派基督徒的 身分想了很多。

  • Alright, ready?

    對我這樣的基督徒而言,

  • So I've been thinking a lot about how to find common ground

    我相信神把人類 創造成男人和女人。

  • in the area of gender fluidity,

    所以我該怎麼做?我要舉手說:

  • as an evangelical Christian.

    「我無法和變性 或 LGBTQIA 的任何人

  • For Christians like me,

    扯上關係?」

  • we believe that God created us man and woman.

    不行。

  • So what do I do?

    那就是屈服於爭勝了。

  • Do I throw up my hands and say,

    所以,我開始研究 我的信仰的基本面向,

  • "I can't have a relationship with anybody who is transgender

    當中的第一個面向

  • or LGBTQIA?"

    就是讓我們成為人類的 那三十億個基因——

  • No.

    順道一提,我們的那些基因中 有 99.9% 是相同的——

  • That would be giving into agonism.

    我相信那三十億個基因是某個 有智慧的設計師所做出的結果。

  • So I started looking at the foundational aspects of my faith,

    那個想法馬上就讓我 和任何人都有了共通點。

  • the first of which

    它還帶給了我……

  • is that of the three billion genes that make us human --

    一種信念,相信我們每個人

  • and by the way, we share 99.9 percent of those genes --

    都被同一位有智慧的設計師

  • that I believe those three billion genes are the result of an intelligent designer.

    賦予了生命的權利。

  • And that immediately gives me common ground with anybody.

    不過,我挖得更深。

  • What it also gives me ...

    我發現,我的信仰並沒有教我

  • is the belief that each and every one of us

    要用這種方式和別人建立關係:

  • have been given the right to life

    和他不斷爭論直到 他相信我所相信的,

  • by that same intelligent designer.

    直到我說服他。

  • I dug deeper though.

    不,我的信仰教我這樣建立關係:

  • I found that my faith didn't teach me

    把他視為和我一樣都是 人類的一員,用這種方式愛他。

  • to start relationships by arguing with somebody

    不過,老實說,有些跟我 信仰相同的人會設下界限

  • until they believed what I believed,

    並拒絕在說到對方時採用 對方偏好的性別代名詞。

  • or I convinced them.

    但這不就是相信了這個謊言:

  • No, it taught me to start relationships

    我為了要向你表示尊敬, 我就得放棄我所相信的?

  • by loving them as a coequal member of the human race.

    和我一起回到過去, 比如二十年前,

  • Honestly though,

    穆罕默德·阿里來到你家門口。

  • some who share my faith draw a line

    你打開門。

  • and refuse to address somebody by their preferred gender pronoun.

    你會稱他為穆罕默德·阿里

  • But isn't that believing the lie that in order for me to honor you,

    或者他先前用的名字卡修斯·克萊?

  • I have to give up what I believe?

    我猜大部分的人會用 穆罕默德·阿里。

  • Come back in time with me --

    我也猜大部分的人

  • let's say it's 20 years ago,

    不會認為我們必須要 馬上改信伊斯蘭教

  • and Muhammad Ali comes to your doorstep.

    才稱呼他那個名字。

  • And you open the door.

    對他表示尊敬並不會要我們任何人

  • Would you address him as Muhammad Ali

    付出任何成本,

  • or his former name of Cassius Clay?

    且會讓我們有共通點 可以建立起關係。

  • I'm guessing that most of you would say Muhammad Ali.

    能夠治癒爭勝的,是關係,

  • And I'm also guessing that most of you

    不是放棄我們所相信的。

  • wouldn't think we'd have to immediately convert to Islam,

    所以,對我來說,尊敬我的信仰

  • just by using his name.

    就表示要拒絕這些爭勝的死板症狀。

  • To honor him would cost me, would cost any of us

    意即,我能且我會愛你,

  • absolutely nothing,

    我能且我會接受你。

  • and it would give us the common ground to have a relationship.

    我不必相信謊言,

  • And it's the relationship that cures agonism,

    那個謊言說 接受你的前提是

  • not giving up what we believe.

    我必須放棄所信,選擇怕你和恨你。

  • So for me to honor my faith,

    因為我把注意力放在 我們的共通點上。

  • it means rejecting these rigid symptoms of agonism.

    一旦找到和別人的共通點, 即便只有一點點,

  • Meaning, I can and I will love you.

    也會讓你能夠了解到

  • I can and I will accept you,

    那個人的美好、

  • and I don't have to buy into the lie

    複雜,以及雄偉。

  • that if I do these things, I have to give up what I believe

    我們的第二項策略

  • or chose to fear and hate you.

    讓我們有呼吸的空間,

  • Because I'm focusing on what we have in common.

    可以暫停,

  • When you can find even the smallest bit of common ground with somebody,

    可以冷靜下來,

  • it allows you to understand just the beautiful wonder

    可以建立能療癒爭勝的關係,

  • and complexity

    和維持那些關係。

  • and majesty of the other person.

    我們的第二項策略 是交換滿溢的恩典。

  • Our second strategy

    (笑)

  • gives us room to (Inhales)

    同樣的,我不是玩弄文字——

  • breathe.

    我說的恩典(優雅)不是 要去報名芭蕾課,

  • To pause.

    那會很詭異。(笑聲)

  • To calm down.

    我指的是不要因為 一次錯誤就否定一切。

  • To have the kind of relationships that cure agonism.

    即便那個錯誤冒犯到你個人,

  • And how to keep those relationships alive.

    甚至冒犯得更深。

  • Our second strategy is to exchange extravagant grace.

    也許大屠殺倖存者 柯麗·天彭的說法最貼切,

  • (Laughs)

    她說:

  • Once again, I'm not mincing words --

    「寬恕就是釋放囚犯之後

  • by grace, I don't mean we should all go sign up for ballet,

    才發現那個囚犯就是我。」

  • that would be weird.

    我的信仰教我 人類永遠不可能完美,

  • (Laughter)

    我自己絕對包括在內。

  • What I mean is not canceling everything over one mistake.

    所以,我們需要救主的恩典,

  • Even if that mistake personally offended you.

    對我而言救主是耶穌。

  • Maybe even deeply.

    雖然我根據我的信仰來定義恩典,

  • Perhaps Holocaust survivor Corrie ten Boom put it best

    我知道有很多其他人 對恩典有不同的定義,

  • when she said,

    用不同的方式定義。

  • "To forgive is to set a prisoner free,

    我很喜歡廣播主持人 奧斯瓦爾德·霍夫曼說的:

  • only to realize that prisoner was me."

    「恩典就是愛,

  • My faith teaches me that we humans will never be perfect,

    愛那些難以讓人愛的人。」

  • myself very much included.

    我好喜歡恩典的這種呈現方式。

  • So we need the grace of a savior,

    因為我知道我是如此,

  • who for me is Jesus.

    也許在座許多人也可以 想出我們在某個時候

  • And while I define grace in the context of my faith,

    實在難以讓別人愛我們。

  • I know there's a lot of other people who have defined it differently

    所以,我認為偽善的極至

  • and in different ways.

    和最扭曲我信仰的就是

  • One of my favorites is radio broadcaster Oswald Hoffmann, who said,

    在我接受了神無條件 給予的恩典和愛之後,

  • "Grace is the love that loves the unlovely

    轉過身來,

  • and the unlovable."

    在我給予你的愛上面 加上一條先決條件。

  • And I just love that picture of grace.

    我到底在想什麼?

  • Because I know I am,

    我說滿溢,是多到溢出來,

  • and maybe a lot of you can think of a time

    不是勾個選項(表面做做)而已。

  • when we're just pretty dadgum unlovable.

    我們都記得,在小時候,

  • So it would be the height of hypocrisy,

    我們的父母會強迫 我們對某個人道歉,

  • dare I say repulsive to my faith,

    我們走向對方,(生氣地) 說:「很抱歉。」

  • for me to accept

    反正就做了。

  • the unconditional, unqualified grace and love from God

    我說的不是那種情況。

  • and then turn around

    我說的並不是 「必須要」 給別人恩典,

  • and put one precondition on the love I give you.

    而是「選擇」給、「想要」給。

  • What in the world would I be thinking?

    那才是我們交流滿溢恩典的方式。

  • And by extravagant, I mean over the top,

    我知道這聽起來很理論。

  • not just checking a box.

    所以,我要跟各位談談 我心中的一個英雄。

  • We can all remember when we were kids

    恩典的英雄。

  • and our parents forced us to apologize to somebody

    時間是 2014 年。

  • and we walked up to them and said, (Angrily) "I'm sorry."

    地點在伊朗。

  • We just got it over with, right?

    一名母親在公共廣場上, 她的兒子被謀殺了。

  • That's not what we're talking about.

    謀殺她兒子的男子也在那廣場上,

  • What we're talking about is not having to give someone grace

    在絞刑架旁,

  • but choosing to and wanting to.

    站在某種椅子上,

  • That's how we exchange extravagant grace.

    脖子上套著繩索,

  • Listen, I know this can sound really, really theoretical.

    眼睛被矇起來。

  • So I'd like to tell you about a hero of mine.

    薩米菈·阿林哈德的國家

  • A hero of grace.

    賦予她權利

  • It's 2014.

    可以赦免這名男子,

  • In Iran.

    或者啟動行刑。

  • And the mother of a murdered son is in a public square.

    換言之,她可以赦免他,

  • The man who murdered her son is also in that square,

    或把他腳下的椅子推開。

  • by a gallows,

    (吐氣)

  • on a chair of some kind,

    我實在……

  • a noose around his neck

    我無法想像在那一刻薩米菈

  • and a blindfold over his eyes.

    和這名男子所承受的痛苦。

  • Samereh Alinejad

    薩米菈必須要做出決定,

  • had been given the sole right under the laws of her country

    根據我讀到的描述, 這名男子則是在哭泣,

  • to either pardon this man

    乞求寬恕。

  • or initiate his execution.

    薩米菈有選擇權。

  • Put another way, she could pardon him

    那一刻,她選擇走向這名男子,

  • or literally push that chair out from underneath his feet.

    給了他一巴掌。

  • (Exhales)

    那代表的是她的寬恕。

  • I just ...

    還有更棒的。

  • I can't picture the agony going through both Samereh and this man

    這件事之後,有人問她,

  • at the time.

    她接受訪問時,這麼說:

  • Samereh with her choice to make,

    「我覺得我心中的怒火消失了,

  • and this man, in the account that I read, was just weeping,

    我血管中的血液再次開始流動。」

  • just begging for forgiveness.

    那不是很了不起嗎?

  • And Samereh had a choice.

    真是個恩典的展現, 真是個恩典的英雄。

  • And she chose in that moment to walk up to this man

    我們都可以從這裡學到一課。

  • and to slap him right across the face.

    就是神學家約翰·派博說的:

  • And that signaled her pardon.

    「恩典是力量,不只是寬恕。」

  • It gets better.

    如果仔細想想,

  • Right afterwards, somebody asked her,

    恩典就是我們在關係中 給予對方的禮物,

  • they interviewed her, and she was quoted as saying,

    表示我們的關係遠比

  • "I felt as if rage vanished from within my heart

    那些分裂我們的事物更重要。

  • and the blood in my veins began to flow again."

    如果再多想想看,