So our story started several years ago,

我要說的故事開始於幾年前，

when my wife and I got a complaint letter in the mail

我和我妻子收到了

from an anonymous neighbor.

一封匿名鄰居的抗議信。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I'll never forget the way my wife transformed before my eyes

我永遠無法忘記我妻子 在我眼前發生的轉變，

from this graceful, peaceful, sweet woman

從優雅、和平、甜美的女子，

into just an angry mother grizzly bear whose cubs needed to be protected.

變成要保護小熊的 憤怒兇悍母灰棕熊。

It was intense.

氣氛很緊繃。

So here's what happened.

事情是這樣的。

This is our family.

這是我們的家庭。

This is my wife and I and our five awesome kids.

這是我和我妻子， 還有我們的五個好孩子。

We're pretty loud, we're pretty rambunctious,

我們聲音很大，很會喧鬧，

we're us.

我們就是我們。

You'll notice, though, that two of our children

不過你會發現有兩個孩子 不太像我和瑪莉，

look a little different than Mary and I,

那是因為他們是我們收養的孩子。

and that's because they came to us through adoption.

不過，我們的鄰居看到了 兩個外表不同的孩子，

Our neighbor, though, saw two different-looking children

每天在我們家外面玩耍，

playing outside of our house every day

就下了定論，

and came to the conclusion

認為我們一定在家中 經營非法的托兒服務。

that we must have been running an illegal day care out of our home.

（低語聲）

(Murmuring)

我們的孩子被套上這種 刻板印象，讓我們非常生氣，

We were really angry to have our children stereotyped like that,

但我知道，就種族描述來說， 這相對只是個輕微的例子。

but I know that's a relatively minor example of racial profiling.

但，我們所有人不也是 偶爾會做出這種行為嗎？

But isn't it sometimes what we all tend to do

針對想法不同的人，

with people who think differently,

信念不同的人，或甚至 投票給不同候選人的人？

or believe differently or maybe even vote differently?

我們不像真鄰居一樣 會去接觸、連結，

Instead of engaging as true neighbors,

反而保持距離，

we keep our distance

而我們對那些人的行為，

and our actions towards those

會取決於我們認為 誰的世界和我們相同，

are guided by who we think sees the world as we do

或我們認為誰不同。

or who we think doesn't.

我鄰居就是處在 所謂的「爭勝」狀況。

See, what my neighbor suffered from is a condition called agonism.

有時我們都有這種狀況。

And sometimes we all suffer from the same condition.

它並不是一種疾病，卻會傳染。

It's not a medical condition, but it is contagious.

咱們先來談一下爭勝是什麼。

So let's talk a little bit about what agonism is.

我最喜歡這個對爭勝的定義：

My favorite definition of agonism

在非戰爭的情況中 採取像作戰的態度。

is taking a warlike stance in contexts that are not literally war.

爭勝（Agonism）一詞 來自希臘字根「agon」，

Agonism comes from the same Greek root word "agon"

也是「痛苦（agony）」的字根。

from which we get "agony."

真是太貼切了。

How very appropriate.

當我們堅持兩種很深刻的信念時，

We all tend to show symptoms of agonism

通常會出現爭勝的症狀，

when we hold on to two deeply held beliefs,

這是作家華理克牧師最先辨認出的。

first identified by author Rick Warren.

第一種信念是認為 如果我們愛某個人，

The first one is that if love someone,

我們就得要認同 他所有的作為或信念。

we must agree with all they do or believe.

第二種正好相反，

And the second is the inverse,

如果我們不認同某人，

that if we disagree with someone,

那就必定表示我們恐懼或討厭他。

it must mean that we fear or we hate them.

不確定當我們的關係結束時，

Not sure we really recognize the agony this way of thinking brings to us,

我們都知道這種思考方式 會帶給我們怎樣的痛苦，

when our relationships die

只因為我們認為不論如何

because we think we have to agree or disagree

我們都必須要認同或不認同。

no matter what.

試想這些話題：

Think about the conversations we've had around Brexit,

英國脫歐、

or Hong Kong,

香港議題、

maybe Israeli settlements or perhaps impeachment.

以色列屯墾區、

I bet we could all think of at least one personal relationship

彈劾。

that's been strained or maybe even ended because of these topics,

我敢說我們都能想到 至少一段個人的關係

or tragically,

因為這些話題 而變得緊繃或甚至破裂；

over a topic much more trivial than those.

甚至很不幸地

The cure for agonism is not out of reach.

因為更瑣碎的話題就發生這種狀況。

The question is how.

爭勝還是有可取得的解藥。

So might I suggest two strategies

問題是如何取得。

that my experience has taught me to start with.

因此，我想提議 經驗教我的兩種策略。

First, cultivate common ground,

第一，培養共通點，

which means focusing on what we share.

意思就是把注意力 放在我們共同的部分。

I want you to know I'm using my words very, very deliberately.

請注意，我的用字是非常刻意的。

By "cultivate," I mean we have to intentionally work

我說的「培養」指的是我們得要

to find common ground with someone.

有意地去找到和某人的共通點。

Just like a farmer works to cultivate the soil.

就像農民努力去耕作 （與培養同字）土壤。

And common ground is a common term,

而「共通點」是個常見的詞，

so let me at least explain what I don't mean,

讓我至少解釋一下 我指的不是什麼，

which is I don't mean by common ground that we were exact,

我說的共通點 並不是我們精確無差別，

or that we totally agree and approve.

也不是我們完全認同和同意。

All I mean is that we find one unifying thing

我的意思是，我們要在 與另一個人的關係當中

that we can have in a relationship in common with another person.

找到一件我們共有的統一事物。

You know, sometimes that one thing is hard to find.

有時那件事物很難找。

So I'd like to share a personal story,

所以我想說個我自己的故事。

but before I do,

但在這之前，

let me tell you a little bit more about myself.

讓我先跟各位簡述一下我自己。

I'm Caucasian,

我是白種人，

cisgender male,

出生就是男性，

middle class, evangelical Christian.

中產階級，基督教福音教派。

And I know, as soon as some of those words came out of my mouth,

我知道，當我說出那些詞時，

some of you had some perceptions about me.

有人就已經對我產生某些看法了。

And it's OK,

沒關係，我知道那些看法 不見得都是正面的。

I know that not all those perceptions are positive.

但對於和我信仰相同的人，

But for those who share my faith,

會知道我接下來會違反常理。

know that I'm about to cut across the grain.

你們也可以對我充耳不聞。

And you may tune me out as well.

過程中，若我的陳述 會讓你不舒服，

So as we go,

我想溫和地請你反思一下，

if you're having a hard time hearing me,

看你是否相信了爭勝。

I just gently ask that you reflect

如果你抗拒我，只是因為 你認為你的世界觀與我不同，

and see if you're buying into agonism.

那不就是我們在這裡要談的嗎？

If you're rejecting me

準備好了嗎？

simply because you think you see the world differently than I do,

關於要如何在性別流動性的 領域中找到共通點，

because isn't that what we're here talking about?

我以福音教派基督徒的 身分想了很多。

Alright, ready?

對我這樣的基督徒而言，

So I've been thinking a lot about how to find common ground

我相信神把人類 創造成男人和女人。

in the area of gender fluidity,

所以我該怎麼做？我要舉手說：

as an evangelical Christian.

「我無法和變性 或 LGBTQIA 的任何人

For Christians like me,

扯上關係？」

we believe that God created us man and woman.

不行。

So what do I do?

那就是屈服於爭勝了。

Do I throw up my hands and say,

所以，我開始研究 我的信仰的基本面向，

"I can't have a relationship with anybody who is transgender

當中的第一個面向

or LGBTQIA?"

就是讓我們成為人類的 那三十億個基因——

No.

順道一提，我們的那些基因中 有 99.9% 是相同的——

That would be giving into agonism.

我相信那三十億個基因是某個 有智慧的設計師所做出的結果。

So I started looking at the foundational aspects of my faith,

那個想法馬上就讓我 和任何人都有了共通點。

the first of which

它還帶給了我……

is that of the three billion genes that make us human --

一種信念，相信我們每個人

and by the way, we share 99.9 percent of those genes --

都被同一位有智慧的設計師

that I believe those three billion genes are the result of an intelligent designer.

賦予了生命的權利。

And that immediately gives me common ground with anybody.

不過，我挖得更深。

What it also gives me ...

我發現，我的信仰並沒有教我

is the belief that each and every one of us

要用這種方式和別人建立關係：

have been given the right to life

和他不斷爭論直到 他相信我所相信的，

by that same intelligent designer.

直到我說服他。

I dug deeper though.

不，我的信仰教我這樣建立關係：

I found that my faith didn't teach me

把他視為和我一樣都是 人類的一員，用這種方式愛他。

to start relationships by arguing with somebody

不過，老實說，有些跟我 信仰相同的人會設下界限

until they believed what I believed,

並拒絕在說到對方時採用 對方偏好的性別代名詞。

or I convinced them.

但這不就是相信了這個謊言：

No, it taught me to start relationships

我為了要向你表示尊敬， 我就得放棄我所相信的？

by loving them as a coequal member of the human race.

和我一起回到過去， 比如二十年前，

Honestly though,

穆罕默德·阿里來到你家門口。

some who share my faith draw a line

你打開門。

and refuse to address somebody by their preferred gender pronoun.

你會稱他為穆罕默德·阿里

But isn't that believing the lie that in order for me to honor you,

或者他先前用的名字卡修斯·克萊？

I have to give up what I believe?

我猜大部分的人會用 穆罕默德·阿里。

Come back in time with me --

我也猜大部分的人

let's say it's 20 years ago,

不會認為我們必須要 馬上改信伊斯蘭教

and Muhammad Ali comes to your doorstep.

才稱呼他那個名字。

And you open the door.

對他表示尊敬並不會要我們任何人

Would you address him as Muhammad Ali

付出任何成本，

or his former name of Cassius Clay?

且會讓我們有共通點 可以建立起關係。

I'm guessing that most of you would say Muhammad Ali.

能夠治癒爭勝的，是關係，

And I'm also guessing that most of you

不是放棄我們所相信的。

wouldn't think we'd have to immediately convert to Islam,

所以，對我來說，尊敬我的信仰

just by using his name.

就表示要拒絕這些爭勝的死板症狀。

To honor him would cost me, would cost any of us

意即，我能且我會愛你，

absolutely nothing,

我能且我會接受你。

and it would give us the common ground to have a relationship.

我不必相信謊言，

And it's the relationship that cures agonism,

那個謊言說 接受你的前提是

not giving up what we believe.

我必須放棄所信，選擇怕你和恨你。

So for me to honor my faith,

因為我把注意力放在 我們的共通點上。

it means rejecting these rigid symptoms of agonism.

一旦找到和別人的共通點， 即便只有一點點，

Meaning, I can and I will love you.

也會讓你能夠了解到

I can and I will accept you,

那個人的美好、

and I don't have to buy into the lie

複雜，以及雄偉。

that if I do these things, I have to give up what I believe

我們的第二項策略

or chose to fear and hate you.

讓我們有呼吸的空間，

Because I'm focusing on what we have in common.

可以暫停，

When you can find even the smallest bit of common ground with somebody,

可以冷靜下來，

it allows you to understand just the beautiful wonder

可以建立能療癒爭勝的關係，

and complexity

和維持那些關係。

and majesty of the other person.

我們的第二項策略 是交換滿溢的恩典。

Our second strategy

（笑）

gives us room to (Inhales)

同樣的，我不是玩弄文字——

breathe.

我說的恩典（優雅）不是 要去報名芭蕾課，

To pause.

那會很詭異。（笑聲）

To calm down.

我指的是不要因為 一次錯誤就否定一切。

To have the kind of relationships that cure agonism.

即便那個錯誤冒犯到你個人，

And how to keep those relationships alive.

甚至冒犯得更深。

Our second strategy is to exchange extravagant grace.

也許大屠殺倖存者 柯麗·天彭的說法最貼切，

(Laughs)

她說：

Once again, I'm not mincing words --

「寬恕就是釋放囚犯之後

by grace, I don't mean we should all go sign up for ballet,

才發現那個囚犯就是我。」

that would be weird.

我的信仰教我 人類永遠不可能完美，

(Laughter)

我自己絕對包括在內。

What I mean is not canceling everything over one mistake.

所以，我們需要救主的恩典，

Even if that mistake personally offended you.

對我而言救主是耶穌。

Maybe even deeply.

雖然我根據我的信仰來定義恩典，

Perhaps Holocaust survivor Corrie ten Boom put it best

我知道有很多其他人 對恩典有不同的定義，

when she said,

用不同的方式定義。

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free,

我很喜歡廣播主持人 奧斯瓦爾德·霍夫曼說的：

only to realize that prisoner was me."

「恩典就是愛，

My faith teaches me that we humans will never be perfect,

愛那些難以讓人愛的人。」

myself very much included.

我好喜歡恩典的這種呈現方式。

So we need the grace of a savior,

因為我知道我是如此，

who for me is Jesus.

也許在座許多人也可以 想出我們在某個時候

And while I define grace in the context of my faith,

實在難以讓別人愛我們。

I know there's a lot of other people who have defined it differently

所以，我認為偽善的極至

and in different ways.

和最扭曲我信仰的就是

One of my favorites is radio broadcaster Oswald Hoffmann, who said,

在我接受了神無條件 給予的恩典和愛之後，

"Grace is the love that loves the unlovely

轉過身來，

and the unlovable."

在我給予你的愛上面 加上一條先決條件。

And I just love that picture of grace.

我到底在想什麼？

Because I know I am,

我說滿溢，是多到溢出來，

and maybe a lot of you can think of a time

不是勾個選項（表面做做）而已。

when we're just pretty dadgum unlovable.

我們都記得，在小時候，

So it would be the height of hypocrisy,

我們的父母會強迫 我們對某個人道歉，

dare I say repulsive to my faith,

我們走向對方，（生氣地） 說：「很抱歉。」

for me to accept

反正就做了。

the unconditional, unqualified grace and love from God

我說的不是那種情況。

and then turn around

我說的並不是 「必須要」 給別人恩典，

and put one precondition on the love I give you.

而是「選擇」給、「想要」給。

What in the world would I be thinking?

那才是我們交流滿溢恩典的方式。

And by extravagant, I mean over the top,

我知道這聽起來很理論。

not just checking a box.

所以，我要跟各位談談 我心中的一個英雄。

We can all remember when we were kids

恩典的英雄。

and our parents forced us to apologize to somebody

時間是 2014 年。

and we walked up to them and said, (Angrily) "I'm sorry."

地點在伊朗。

We just got it over with, right?

一名母親在公共廣場上， 她的兒子被謀殺了。

That's not what we're talking about.

謀殺她兒子的男子也在那廣場上，

What we're talking about is not having to give someone grace

在絞刑架旁，

but choosing to and wanting to.

站在某種椅子上，

That's how we exchange extravagant grace.

脖子上套著繩索，

Listen, I know this can sound really, really theoretical.

眼睛被矇起來。

So I'd like to tell you about a hero of mine.

薩米菈·阿林哈德的國家

A hero of grace.

賦予她權利

It's 2014.

可以赦免這名男子，

In Iran.

或者啟動行刑。

And the mother of a murdered son is in a public square.

換言之，她可以赦免他，

The man who murdered her son is also in that square,

或把他腳下的椅子推開。

by a gallows,

（吐氣）

on a chair of some kind,

我實在……

a noose around his neck

我無法想像在那一刻薩米菈

and a blindfold over his eyes.

和這名男子所承受的痛苦。

Samereh Alinejad

薩米菈必須要做出決定，

had been given the sole right under the laws of her country

根據我讀到的描述， 這名男子則是在哭泣，

to either pardon this man

乞求寬恕。

or initiate his execution.

薩米菈有選擇權。

Put another way, she could pardon him

那一刻，她選擇走向這名男子，

or literally push that chair out from underneath his feet.

給了他一巴掌。

(Exhales)

那代表的是她的寬恕。

I just ...

還有更棒的。

I can't picture the agony going through both Samereh and this man

這件事之後，有人問她，

at the time.

她接受訪問時，這麼說：

Samereh with her choice to make,

「我覺得我心中的怒火消失了，

and this man, in the account that I read, was just weeping,

我血管中的血液再次開始流動。」

just begging for forgiveness.

那不是很了不起嗎？

And Samereh had a choice.

真是個恩典的展現， 真是個恩典的英雄。

And she chose in that moment to walk up to this man

我們都可以從這裡學到一課。

and to slap him right across the face.

就是神學家約翰·派博說的：

And that signaled her pardon.

「恩典是力量，不只是寬恕。」

It gets better.

如果仔細想想，

Right afterwards, somebody asked her,

恩典就是我們在關係中 給予對方的禮物，

they interviewed her, and she was quoted as saying,

表示我們的關係遠比

"I felt as if rage vanished from within my heart

那些分裂我們的事物更重要。

and the blood in my veins began to flow again."

如果再多想想看，