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  • - Now listen, look guys, I know, I know,

  • I am aware...

  • that I must seem like a tough, cold, son of a bitch up here.

  • In fact, the only time I've ever cried in public,

  • in my entire life, was at my moms funeral.

  • I might be a tough,cold,son of a bitch, but that doesn't

  • mean I'm not also,

  • one hell of an actor.

  • (laughs)

  • My mom was a depressed woman.

  • My mom was a very depressed woman.

  • My mom was so depressed, she had the words,

  • "In case of an accident, please do not resuscitate"

  • tattooed across all of her children.

  • Let's say my mom's funeral was like ten,

  • eleven years ago now.

  • Last year, I had her body dug up...

  • to settle a legal dispute with my siblings.

  • Turns out I was wrong.

  • That is illegal.

  • (laughs)

  • Now at this point I should admit my parents were actually

  • pretty reasonable people when they were raising me.

  • Unless, they found drugs in my bedroom.

  • Then, they were high for days.

  • I think the strangest thing in my family, my family

  • was just weird about sex. You know? I was the oldest of five

  • kids in a tiny little house. When my parents wanted alone

  • time they would gather us together, say kids go play hide

  • and seek, and they'd lock their bedroom door for an hour.

  • Of course I always knew what was going on in there, I mean,

  • I would hide in their room.

  • My parents are weird about sex.

  • I think the most embarrassed I've ever been in my entire

  • life, is the time my mom and dad caught me watching a

  • hardcore bondage pornography,

  • over their shoulder.

  • (laughs)

  • And I'll never forget, I'll never forget the first time I

  • had sex. You know those stories you hear,

  • about kids who lose their virginity to the hot babysitter?

  • I was the babysitter.

  • (claps)

  • Yeah, I could've opened with that if I wanted to.

- Now listen, look guys, I know, I know,

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B1 中級 美國腔

安東尼-傑塞爾尼克的父母在他的房間裡發現了毒品|Netflix是一個笑話。 (Anthony Jeselnik's Parents Found Drugs In His Room | Netflix Is A Joke)

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