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You guys seen those like Kumon learning centers in those strip malls, right?
你們應該都在商店街看過 Kumon 補習班吧?
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Kumon learning centers, so you guys that don't know, are basically detention camps for young Asian children.
Kumon 補習班,你們可能不知道,那邊基本上就是亞洲小朋友的集中營啊!
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You can tell that place is kind of fucked up by the look of its logo.
你從它的招牌就可以看得出來那地方真的不太優。
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Because it's supposed to be a smiley face, but it's not really smiling.
因為它本來應該要是一張笑臉,但那看根本不算是笑。
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It's just like, "Man."
比較像是,「呃好喔」。
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My parents were way too cheap to send me to Kumon, they got a different strategy.
我爸媽太窮了所以沒辦法送我去 Kumon,但他們另出奇招。
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They never let me use a calculator until I turned 15, so I can work on my brain function.
我 15 歲前他們不准我用計算機,好讓我的腦袋能好好發展。
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That's an old-school Chinese strategy.
這是老派的中式作法。
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You know, so when I turned 15, it was a very special occasion.
所以我 15 歲的時候,那真的是個大事件。
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It was basically my quinceanera.
基本上就像是我登大人的日子。
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My dad just gave me a TI-83 Plus.
我爸給了我一台型號 TI-83 plus 的計算機。
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And he looked me in the eyes, and he was like, "You're a woman now, okay?"
他看著我的眼睛,然後說:「你現在是個娘們了,知道嗎?」
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But when you were a kid when your parents tell you can't do something, what do you do?
但當你還是小屁孩的時候,你爸媽叫你不准做一些事,你會怎麼做?
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You rebel, right?
搞叛逆,對吧?
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So when I was 14 years old, I stole my brother's calculator, I stole Roy Roger's calculator, and I locked myself in my room and I started rebelling.
所以在我 14 歲的時候,我偷了我哥的計算機,我偷了 Roy Rogers (美國知名主持人) 的計算機,然後我把自己反鎖在房間裡,開始「叛逆」。
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I started doing math homework
我開始做數學作業。
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Other kids were like fucking around with like alcohol and drugs, I was fucking up some problems, you know?
其他小屁孩在跟酒精還有毒品胡搞瞎搞的時候,我在跟一堆數學題做對,你知道嗎?
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Locked myself in a room, I was just punching in numbers, and I was like, "Oh man, this feels great.," you know?
把自己鎖在房間裡,狂敲計算機的數字,我心裡想:「喔天啊,這感覺超讚的。」你知道嗎?
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It's so wrong, it's awesome.
我超壞的,有夠讚。
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My dad was pissed.
我爸大發飆。
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He was knocking the other side of the door, he doesn't like locked doors in the house.
他在門外敲門,因為他不喜歡家裡有人鎖門。
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And he was screaming, he was like, "Jimmy! Jimmy! What are you doing inside?"
他開始大叫:「Jimmy!Jimmy!你在裡面幹什麼啊?」
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"Come out right now, I know you're in there using a calculator, come out right now!"
「現在給我出來,我知道你在用計算機,給我出來!」
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I was so scared, I didn't know what to do.
我超害怕的,不知道該怎麼辦。
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And he unlocked the door and he came in, I went into full panic mode.
他把門鎖打開後走進來,我整個嚇傻。
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So I just threw away the calculator, and I pulled down my pants.
我就把計算機扔開然後把褲子拉下去。
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I was like, "Dad, I was just jerking off!"
我就說:「爸,我在打手槍啦!」
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And he came in, and he looked at me and then looked at the math homework.
他走進來,看了看我,又看了看我的數學作業。
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And he was like, "Good, good."
他就說:「好,很好。」
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"Very good, very good, very good."
「很好、很好、很好。」
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"You must really like math, that's good."
「你一定超愛數學的,這很好。」
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"That's good, keep it up."
「很好,繼續保持。」
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Because there's nothing, there's nothing that will make your Asian father more proud than to see his son jerk off to his math homework.
因為天底下沒有事,沒有任何事能比看到自己兒子對著數學作業打手槍,更讓亞洲父親感到驕傲的了。