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  • Alright, so I was at this bar not too long ago.

    好,所以不久前,我在一間酒吧。

  • And I had to take a piss.

    我得尿尿。

  • So I saunter off to the men's room.

    所以我閒晃到男生廁所。

  • And at this particular bar the bathroom's made up of one stall and two urinals.

    在這間酒吧裡,廁所有一間坐式的隔間和兩個小便斗。

  • Now, it's worth noting, that these two urinals, well, they're about...four centimeters apart.

    值得一提的是,那兩個小便斗⋯⋯間隔大概四公分。

  • Needless to say, you gotta get a little comfortable with whoever you're pissing next to.

    無須多說,你必須跟隔壁尿尿的人很親近。

  • You're so close to the other guy, that you kinda just wanna be like: "You know, fuck it! You wanna share a urinal? Let's share a urinal, we might as well!"

    你超級靠近另一個人,你會想說:「你知道嗎,去他的!你想要共享一個小便斗嗎?我們一起用吧,又沒差!」

  • So I walk in, and of course, there's already somebody at the urinal.

    所以我走廁所,當然,小便斗已經有人了。

  • And of course, there's already somebody duking it up in the stall.

    而且當然,也已經有人佔據坐式那間了。

  • Alright, whatever, f**k it, time to get cozy and be pee pals with whoever this strange man is over here.

    好啊,管他的,是時候舒舒服服和隔壁的怪人一起當尿尿夥伴了。

  • So I squeeze in next to this guy, he's all pissed-off and does this little sigh, like: "Come on, dude, can't you go piss in the sink or something?"

    所以我擠進那個男生旁邊的小便斗,他感覺很生氣並嘆了一小口氣,像在說:「拜託,老兄,你就不能去洗手槽尿尿嗎?」

  • Like listen buddy, I don't like this anymore than you do, alright?

    欸,老兄,我也沒有比你喜歡這個情況,好嗎?

  • Our shoulders are rubbing against each other and shit.

    我們的肩膀相互摩擦,很多鳥事。

  • Let's just tough it out, we don't got to make out after this or anything.

    我們就咬緊牙關撐過去吧,尿完後又不用去親熱或什麼的。

  • So there we are, dicks in hand.

    所以我們就站在那裡,手中握著各自的雞雞。

  • It was right about this time, that I realized, that this guy isn't even pissing!

    就在這時我突然意識到,這傢伙根本沒在尿尿!

  • I'm not saying that I was ogling this guy's wiener.

    我並沒有打量那傢伙的下面喔。

  • But there was definitely no tinkle sounds coming from the tinkling area.

    但會出現尿聲的地方根本就沒有尿聲。

  • I kinda, like, glance over this dude's face and kinda give him the nod, like, "Hey, what's up, buddy?"

    我就掃過那傢伙的臉並對他點點頭,像在說:「嘿老兄,發生什麼事啦?」

  • And he's got this paranoid look on his face.

    他臉上有種偏執的表情。

  • A face that I've never seen on a human being's head before.

    我從來沒在人類的臉上看到這種表情過。

  • Looks like he just swallowed a bunch of pennies or something like that.

    看起來好像他剛吞了一堆硬幣。

  • Now, it's worth noting that I don't have a shy bladder.

    值得一提的是,我的膀胱並不害羞。

  • At least not when I'm halfway drunk, which is what I was.

    至少在我已經半醉時不害羞,而我當時已經半醉了。

  • When I'm halfway drunk, I can piss in public.

    在我半醉時,我可以在公共場合尿尿。

  • I can piss in front of my grandparents.

    我可以在祖父母面前尿尿。

  • In front of a...school field trip, you name it, I can piss it!

    在⋯⋯校外旅行的學生面前也行,只要你講得出來,我就尿得下去!

  • I could piss standing on this dude's shoulders, if I wanted to.

    如果我想要,我也可以站在那老兄肩膀上尿尿。

  • But as soon as I notice that this guy is not peeing, my brain kicks in and it's like: "Hey, you know what would be weird? If you couldn't piss either!"

    但當我注意到那傢伙沒在尿尿時,我的大腦突然闖進一個想法:「嘿,你知道怎樣會很怪嗎?如果是你也尿不出來!」

  • "And you guys just stood there with your dicks out."

    「你們兩個就會站在那裡,屌還在外面。」

  • And soon as I thought it, well, it sure the f**k happened!

    當我有了這個想法,他 X 的就發生了!

  • I'm pushing, god damn am I pushing!

    我正在用力,我的老天我真的有用力!

  • My eyes are bulging out of my head, my face is turning all red and shit.

    我的眼睛從頭上凸出來,我的臉變得通紅。

  • Nothing's coming out, though a fucking puff of dust hits the back of the urinal.

    但什麼都沒出來,不過有一團該死的灰塵降落在小便斗的後面。

  • Now we're just two grown men holding our dicks.

    我們就只是兩個成熟男性,握著各自的雞雞。

  • "Yeah, I'm here at the Great Pissing Stalemate of 2016."

    「嗯,我在 2016 年最偉大尿尿僵局。」

  • "Where two grown men, dick in hand, can't piss in front of each other."

    「有兩個大男生,手裡握著屌,無法在對方面前尿尿。」

  • "That sounds awful, Tom! Is there any end in sight?"

    「Tom,這聽起來好糟!有沒有可能有結果?」

  • "No way, Bill! Both are completely insecure and neither one of them wanna be the weirdo..."

    「Bill,絕對不可能!那兩個人都非常不安,沒有一個人想當怪咖⋯⋯」

  • "That just hovers their dick in front of the urinal for three minutes for no goddamn reason!"

    「他們就只是把屌在小便斗前面晃了三分鐘,沒有任何原因!」

  • I'm standing there, thinking like: "God, if my dad could see me now..."

    我站在那裡,想著:「天啊,如果我爸現在看到我的話⋯⋯」

  • "You know what, fuck this! I'm gonna stand here until I explode, I don't give a shit, I'm standing my ground!"

    「你知道嗎,去他的!我就要站在這裡直到我爆炸,我才不管,我要堅守陣地!」

  • "I'm not peeing, you're not peeing, what the hell are we doing here, holding our ding-dongs for?"

    「我不尿尿,你也不尿尿,我們到底在這裡握著自己的丁丁幹嘛?」

  • "What are we, practicing?" Like 30 seconds go by, and we're both standing here, pretending like this isn't the most awkward moment of our lives.

    「我們在幹嘛,練習尿尿嗎?」大概三十秒過後,我們還是站在那裡,假裝這不是生命中最尷尬的事。

  • It's very tense moment, like...Clarice-talking-to-Hannibal-Lecter tense!

    那是個非常緊繃的時刻,就像 Clarice 和 Hannibal Lecter 講話那樣的緊繃!

  • "Hello, Clarice."

    「哈囉,Clarice。」

  • "Doctor Lecter, it's Jodie Foster."

    「Lecter 醫生,這是 Jodie Foster。」

  • "Quid pro quo, Clarice! Quid pro quo."

    「要還錢啊,Clarice,要還錢。」

  • "Jodie Foster, look how handsome I am!"

    「Jodie Foster,看看我有多帥!」

  • Some guy walks in the middle of all this shit.

    有些人在這過程中走了進來。

  • Sees what's going on and is like: "Nope! I want nothing to do with this weirdness!"

    他們看到正在發生的事,感覺像在說:「不!我才不要被捲進這怪異中!」

  • "I'll go piss in the street!"

    「我直接去尿在街上就好!」

  • The dude pooping in the stall's wondering, what the hell is going on out there?

    在坐式隔間裡大便的老兄就想著,外面到底發生什麼事了?

  • "Uhhh... Are you guys still in here?"

    「呃⋯⋯你們還在裡面嗎?」

  • Finally, after what seems like a goddamn eternity, miss piss partner sees an opening.

    終於,好像過了一個他 X 的永恆那麼久,我的尿尿夥伴終於有個開始了。

  • He finally gets the courage to piss.

    他終於有勇氣尿尿了。

  • I don't know what's going on, the eye of the tiger, this is it, the big moment.

    我不知道到底發生什麼事,他眼睛突然變得像老虎那樣,迎來了偉大的時刻。

  • He finally let's loose...

    他終於放鬆了⋯⋯

  • For a whole half a goddamn second.

    只維持了天殺的半秒鐘。

  • He pissed just enough to fill up a thimble.

    他的尿剛好可以填滿一個迷你杯子。

  • And then he zips up and runs out of there, like the building's on fire.

    接著他拉上拉鍊跑了出去,好像這棟建築物起火了。

  • Holy shit, I won, I did it, I won Pissing Stalemate 2016!

    天殺的,我贏了,我做到了,我贏了 2016 年最偉大尿尿僵局!

  • And I'm so relieved.

    接著我超級放鬆。

  • I swear to God, I could've just dropped my pants around my ankles, and pissed like the weird kid did in first grade.

    我向天發誓,我可以直接把褲子脫到腳踝處,像一年級的奇怪小學生那樣尿尿。

  • All bare-assed and all the pooping dude's clapping for me.

    完全光著屁股,在大便的那位老兄就會為我鼓掌。

  • I left that bathroom, feeling relieved, hoping somebody was gonna give me like a sash or something.

    我離開那間廁所,感到放心,希望有人會給我勝利肩帶什麼的。

  • Pissing Champion 2016.

    2016 年尿尿冠軍。

  • But no, there's no confetti, no celebratory, applause.

    但沒有,沒有五彩碎紙、慶典、鼓掌。

  • But I did get to avoid eye contact with that other guy for the entire rest of the night.

    但在整個晚上,我都避免和那位尿尿老兄有眼神接觸。

  • So that was rewarding.

    所以這非常有意義。

  • I kinda felt bad for him, I was thinking about going up to him, maybe buying him a beer.

    我有點為他感到抱歉,我想著要去找他講話,也許請他喝啤酒。

  • Be like: "Look, dude, sorry...Sorry you got all emotional in there."

    我可以說:「老兄,抱歉⋯⋯讓你在裡頭那麼情緒化。」

  • "I'd shake your hand, but...your dick was in it, so...here'a Michelob Ultra."

    「我想跟你握手,但你的屌在你手裡,所以⋯⋯這裏是一杯 Michelob Ultra。」

  • I don't know what else to say...

    我不知道還能說什麼⋯⋯

  • Jodie Foster!

    Jodie Foster!

  • It's my Jodie Foster impression.

    這是我模仿 Jodie Foster 的樣子。

  • I don't have a good...

    我沒有很好的⋯⋯

  • I feel like my Hannibal Lector impression sucks dick.

    我覺得我 Hannibal Lector 的模仿很糟。

  • But my Jodie Foster impression...that shit is perfect!

    但我模仿 Jodie Foster⋯⋯超完美!

  • "Doctor Lecter, it's Jodie Foster!"

    「Lecter 醫生,這是 Jodie Foster!」

  • It's pretty similar to Rough McGruff.

    這跟 Rough McGruff 還蠻像的。

  • Jodie Foster and Rough McGruff they're the same person to me.

    Jodie Foster 和 Rough McGruff 對我來說是同個人。

  • "Rough McGruff, Chicago, Illinois."

    「Rough McGruff,住在伊利諾伊州的芝加哥。」

  • "Jodie Foster, take a bite out of crime!"

    「Jodie Foster,來試試犯罪啊!」

Alright, so I was at this bar not too long ago.

好,所以不久前,我在一間酒吧。

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    lauren.huang 發佈於 2020 年 10 月 01 日
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