字幕列表 影片播放 列印英文字幕 -I was running a bit behind today, so I thought if you guys wouldn't mind, I'd just like to write out my weekly thank-you notes right now. Is that okay? [ Cheers and applause ] It's Thursday. -Thursday. -Thursday is when I write out my thank-you notes. -Yeah, Thursday is thank you note day. -Yes. That's correct, it is. Yeah. James, can I get some thank-you note writing music, please? [ Melancholy music playing ] He's always in a good mood. -Wow. -He's always in a good mood. -It is like he's wishing you happy birthday with his eyes. [ Laughter ] [ Melancholy music playing ] -Thank you, "Ad Astra", for looking like a great sci-fi movie but sounding like a new 24-hour allergy medication. [ Laughter and applause ] -Ask your doctor about "Ad Astra." -May cause sneezing. [ Melancholy music playing ] Thank you, Sean Spicer's debut on "Dancing with the Stars" -- -Oh. -For looking like a highlighter going through a mid-life crisis. [ Laughter and applause ] -How about neon green? -What is going on? -God. Oh, my God. [ Melancholy music playing ] -Thank you, Bernie Sanders, saying he'll release his medical records. Or, as Bernie put it, "And you thought the Mueller report was long. I've been alive since 1863!" [ Cheers and applause ] [ Melancholy music playing ] -Thank you, people who say "autumn" instead of "fall," for being the same people who won't stop talking about traveling abroad in Bar-the-Lona. [ Laughter and applause ] Come on. -Come on. -Barcelona. "Oh, we had such a great time in Bar-the-Lona." [ Laughter ] [ Melancholy music playing ] Thank you, 25th anniversary of the TV show "Friends" -- [Cheering and applause] Or the 26th if you're counting that year that we were on a break! [ Cheers and applause ] -Nice call back. -Thank you. [ Melancholy music playing ] Thank you, people singing the national anthem at sporting events, for answering the question, "What would it sound like to hear 30,000 people mumble the word 'ramparts'"? [ Laughter ] O'er the... [Mumbling] What's a -- What's a rampart? -Rampart? -What's a rampart? -Do you know what a rampart is? -It's like a, uh, ramp... that leads up to a battlement. -No, that is not true. -What is it? -I do know what it is. No, it's for real. -Is it part of a ramp? A ramp part? -No. Rampart, one word. "O'er the ramparts we watched." Right? -Right. Yeah, sure. -It's a protective wall around a fort. -Yes, that's usually at a raked angle. [ Laughter ] -That's true, but I mean -- [ Laughter ] -To deflect cannon shells. -Yes, that's correct, but it -- -More the angle the wall, the thicker the cannon shells. -Yes. So you're saying it is a ramp? -A ramp -- a part of a ramp. [ Laughter ] I thought it was "Rampart: First Blood." Is that not it? -No. That's just -- No, "Rambo: Last Blood." -I just lost 10 grand. [ Laughter ] -You got to stop gambling. -To James. -Bet James 10 grand. -You bet James $10,000? -Yeah. I feel like a fool. [ Laughter and applause ] [ Melancholy music playing ] -Thank you, President Trump, for holding a rally in New Mexico. Or as you would first put it, "Wait, there's a new Mexico? We have to build a wall now! [ Applause ] We have to build -- We have to build a rampart. -Yeah. [ Laughter ] We got to build a rampart..." -A virtual rampart. -"...that fries eggs." -"It is a virtual wall." -"Fries eggs and bacon. [ Sizzling ] Very loud wall. A sizzling wall." [ Laughter ] [ Melancholy music playing ] Thank you, motion-activated bathroom lights that randomly turn off, for making me feel like I'm landing a 747 with my pants around my ankles. [ Laughter and applause ] Come on. Turn it back on. -Come on! [ Laughter and applause ] -You have to stand. -What was that? [ Laughter ] [ Melancholy music playing ] Thank you, restaurant checks that show suggested tip amounts, for basically being a multiple-choice question that asks, "How cheap are you?" Thank you very much. Those are my thank-you notes.