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  • -There is so much going on right now.

  • Guys, the House is drafting up articles of impeachment,

  • North Korea is moving closer to a nuclear missile,

  • and Russia is interfering in the U.K. elections.

  • Let's see what President Trump is focused on.

  • -People are flushing toilets 10 times, 15 times,

  • as opposed to once. They end up using more water.

  • -Yeah, that's right. [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • During a business roundtable,

  • Trump said that people are flushing the toilet

  • 10 or 15 times because of low water pressure.

  • Trump was like, "It's crazy. I take off the lid,

  • I sit on the tank, I do my business,

  • flush 10 times, and nothing happens."

  • [ Laughter ] Sit on the tank?

  • People in the room were like,

  • "Maybe you're not jiggling the handle properly."

  • He's like, "Read the transcript. it was a perfect jiggle."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Let's just assume

  • that people are flushing their toilets 10 or 15 times.

  • Does that mean that people are telling

  • the president of the United States

  • about their flushing habits? [ Laughter ]

  • Or Trump is asking about them? I don't understand.

  • Like, "Forget about North Korea.

  • How many times does it take for you to flush?"

  • Trump was complaining about toilets,

  • and he actually said that he's had to flush a toilet

  • over 10 times. Well, it might explain

  • this commercial I saw earlier today.

  • Watch this.

  • -Are you having trouble flushing your toilet?

  • -People are flushing toilets 10 times, 15 times.

  • -Then you need the Trump toilet. -Oh, my God!

  • -The Trump toilet uses 25 gallons of water per flush.

  • -Whoa! That's strong. -And it's got built-in Wi-Fi

  • so you can tweet while you use it.

  • -That's my dream. -And if you order now,

  • we'll throw in a roll of toilet paper

  • made out of the failing "New York Times."

  • -It's going down the tubers.

  • -So forget about saving water and get the Trump toilet.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -[ Chuckles ]

  • Trump then spoke about his administration's effort

  • to stop the production of energy-efficient light bulbs.

  • Listen to why he doesn't like new light bulbs.

  • -And we're doing other things -- the light bulb.

  • They got rid of the light bulb that people got used to.

  • The new bulb is many times more expensive.

  • And I hate to say it, it doesn't make you look as good.

  • Of course, being a vain person, that's very important to me.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It gives you an orange look. I don't want an orange look.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • >> [ Whistles ]

  • -In response, the light bulbs were like,

  • "Hey, don't shoot the messenger.

  • Uh, you're orange."

  • Yeah, Trump thinks light bulbs make him look orange.

  • -God. -Which means

  • there's a decent chance Trump might not know

  • the difference between a light bulb and a mirror.

  • It's like... [ Laughter ]

  • Today, the House Judiciary Committee

  • held another impeachment hearing.

  • Democrat Jerry Nadler said that a jury

  • would convict President Trump

  • in, quote, "Three minutes flat."

  • Or in other words, the same amount of time

  • Trump spends flushing a toilet. [ Laughter and applause ]

  • [ As Trump ] "Eight, nine."

  • [ Normal voice ] That's right, Democrats are being led

  • by House chairman Jerry Nadler.

  • Here's a picture of Jerry Nadler.

  • Wow. [ Audience ohs ]

  • Look at his pant -- I mean, you're laughing,

  • but every grandpa is like, "I like his style."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • So, the Democrats on the House Judiciary Committee

  • have been exchanging GIFs, G-I-F-S -- GIFs --

  • in a group text to lighten the mood of impeachment.

  • Yeah, that might explain why the chairman

  • opened today's hearing by saying,

  • "In ermahgerd we trust." [ Laughter ]

  • Before the impeachment hearing began,

  • a lawyer for the Republicans made quite an entrance.

  • Look at what he brought with him.

  • [ Indistinct conversations ]

  • [ Light laughter ]

  • Yeah.

  • [ Indistinct conversations ]

  • Meanwhile, his wife is at the Whole Foods checkout

  • with a briefcase full of depositions.

  • [ Laughter ] Going, "What am I doing?"

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • "Ugh."

  • [ Chuckles ]

  • But in his opening statement today,

  • the lawyer for the Republicans

  • had an interesting choice of words.

  • Take a look at this.

  • -To impeach a president who 63 million people voted for,

  • over eight lines in a call transcript is baloney.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Yeah, either the impeachment is either baloney,

  • or he got distracted looking into his shopping bag.

  • [ Laughter ] That's right.

  • At the hearing, Democrats presented a lot of evidence

  • against President Trump, and it seems like

  • they've broadened their investigation

  • beyond just Ukraine.

  • Check out some of the other scandalous evidence

  • that they uncovered about the president.

  • For example, they uncovered allegations

  • that Trump eats all the chunks

  • out of Ben & Jerry's pints,

  • then puts the cartons back in the freezer.

  • That's -- -Come on.

  • -You can't do that. -No.

  • -You can't do that. As well as a testimony

  • that after watching previews, Trump loudly comments

  • about whether or not he would see the movie.

  • [ Laughter ] [ As Trump ] "I'd see that."

  • [ Normal voice ] Then, there were charges

  • that Trump doesn't wash his legs in the shower,

  • because the falling shampoo basically gets it.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And finally, there was evidence that Trump sides

  • with the husband in the Peloton commercial.

  • [ Laughter ] Can you believe that?

  • [ Applause ] Come on.

  • Some 2020 news. I saw that a lot of

  • the candidates are selling holiday merchandise.

  • That's very nice. For 50 bucks,

  • you can get a Joe Biden holiday sweater.

  • And for 100 bucks, Pete Buttigieg will come over

  • and be your own little Elf on the Shelf.

  • -Aww. [ Laughter ]

  • -Speaking of Pete Buttigieg, he's in hot water

  • because he won't release information

  • about the work he did in his first job

  • for the consulting firm, McKinsey.

  • But he's not the only one who has a strange past.

  • It turns out Mike Bloomberg had a weird job

  • when he was young. Can we see a picture of him?

  • Yep, turns out he was a singer in the band

  • Simon, Garfunkel, & Bloomberg.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Applause ] Odd job.

  • This isn't good. Last night, Democratic candidate

  • Marianne Williamson fell for a hoax

  • and tweeted that Trump had pardoned Charles Manson.

  • Trump heard that, and like, "That was crazy."

  • And then he slowly erased the idea from his whiteboard.

  • [ Laughing ] Here's a big story today.

  • Russia was banned from next year's Olympics

  • 'cause of doping violations. Meanwhile, when Trump heard

  • "Russia" and "dope" and "violations,"

  • he said, [As Trump] "Oh, no,

  • what did Rudy Giuliani do this time?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Normal voice ] Some business news.

  • Walmart has apologized for selling a sweater

  • that features Santa With cocaine.

  • [ Light laughter ] Check it out.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • I guess that explains why Rudolph's nose is so red.

  • -Oh. -Yeah.

  • [ Laughter ] Oh, this is sad.

  • The wife of Papa John's founder John Schnatter

  • has filed for divorce. -Oh.

  • [ Audience aws ]

  • -It looks like they already have a settlement

  • and Papa John is being very, very generous.

  • He's giving her half his money, plus cheese sticks

  • and a two-liter of Coke. -Oh.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -I think that's very generous.

  • Well, this made me laugh.

  • Ryan Reynolds got the actress from the Peloton ad

  • to star in a commercial for his brand of gin,

  • where she sips on gin after a tough day.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Though it's a little awkward at the end,

  • when her husband from the Peloton ad shows up

  • and tells her to stop having so many carbs.

  • [ Audience groans ]

  • I'm joking. these are jokes. -Jokes.

  • -These aren't facts. -He didn't really do it.

  • -There aren't facts. No, these are jokes.

  • -[ Laughs ]

  • [ Laughter ] Guys, I read about a woman

  • aboard a United Airlines flight from San Francisco to Atlanta

  • who was bit several times by a scorpion.

  • Even crazier, it was her emotional-support scorpion.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Check this out. I read that the tube in London

  • will now have first-class cars, where the rich

  • can drink champagne and eat hors d'oeuvres.

  • While on the New York City Subway,

  • you can still play that fun game,

  • "Is that man passed out or dead?"

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • And finally, this weekend in New York City,

  • police were called after a firefighter

  • got into a fight with a sanitation worker

  • over a parking spot.

  • Then, a biker and a sailor walked by,

  • and they all burst into "YMCA." We have a great show.

-There is so much going on right now.

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特朗普總統執著於沖廁所 (President Trump Gets Fixated on Flushing Toilets)

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    林宜悉 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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