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  • Hello, and welcome again to my at-home show.

  • Don't worry about that man outside the window.

  • He's not a peeping Tom.

  • He's an average Andy.

  • I don't think I'm ever going to be

  • able to go back to the studio.

  • I love it out here so much.

  • Oh, good.

  • I'm glad--

  • I get fresh air.

  • That's great.

  • Thanks for having me.

  • I'm glad.

  • He's been out there, socially distancing from me

  • throughout the quarantine.

  • You should have seen him in the rain last weekend

  • like a little wet rat, you were.

  • You were just like, let me in, let me in, let me in,

  • with his little paws up against the window.

  • But the sun dried him out quickly, right?

  • You're all dry.

  • [LAUGHS] I'm all good.

  • OK, good.

  • As I mentioned when this all began,

  • while I'm isolating at home, a lot of random thoughts

  • have been popping into my head.

  • What I do, I write them down on a piece of paper,

  • and then I type them out.

  • And then I put them in little strips.

  • This is my quarantine thoughts.

  • And the label says, "Oprah," and that's only because I stole it

  • from her porch.

  • [LAUGHS]

  • OK, thank you, Andy.

  • I'm the only one.

  • All right, these are quarantine thoughts that I've had, OK?

  • If oranges are called oranges because they're orange,

  • why aren't bananas called yellows?

  • [LAUGHS]

  • Right?

  • That's fair.

  • It's a fair question.

  • Thank you.

  • They're not supposed to be funny.

  • They're thoughts.

  • That's what I said.

  • I said it's a fair question.

  • What if people had mating calls like animals?

  • Instead of dating, they'd just go outside and start yelling.

  • Andy, what would yours be?

  • (LAUGHING) What, me?

  • What would your mating call be?

  • Wha, wha, wha, wha, wha, wa.

  • That would get the ladies.

  • tWitch, what would your mating call be?

  • Mine would be like, uh, ay-yuh!

  • [CLICKING TEETH]

  • Do it again.

  • Ay-yo!

  • [CLICKING TEETH]

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • It's kind of adorable.

  • [INTERPOSING VOICES]

  • Did you-- oh, Allison's going to come running in a minute

  • when she hears that.

  • Right, just respond to the call.

  • Yeah, maybe.

  • [LAUGHS]

  • Yeah.

  • And then Andy, what was yours again?

  • [GROWLING]

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • I don't remember--

  • All right.

  • --quite literally.

  • OK.

  • It's a fun thing to think about during quarantine--

  • Yeah.

  • If you had a mating call, what would it be?

  • I'm going to work on it.

  • Mine would be, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!"

  • [LAUGHS]

  • That'll hurt.

  • A fun drinking game would be to do a shot every time

  • you see Shaquille O'Neal in a commercial.

  • That guy endorses everything-- pizza, Carnival Cruises,

  • car insurance, that sweat powder, whatever that is.

  • [LAUGHS]

  • It's true.

  • It is.

  • These are thoughts.

  • I can't believe airplanes were invented

  • 100 years before drones.

  • We figured out how to make a bus full of people fly in the sky

  • before we could figure out how to-- a tiny, tiny camera

  • fly around.

  • That's interesting.

  • Yeah.

  • It's true.

  • Uh-oh, I've lost one of my thoughts.

  • Oh, God.

  • Hold on.

  • This is an important one too, I can tell.

  • It tried to get away from me.

  • This is a good one.

  • I wonder if making essential oils

  • was ruled an essential business.

  • [LAUGHS]

  • A little COVID-19 humor.

  • Thank you.

  • Why do they call a Blazer a sport coat?

  • I have never seen an athlete wear one to a sports--

  • any kind of sports game.

  • No one wears a Blazer, and yet they call it a sport coat.

  • I'm going to explain the joke, because it's funnier.

  • [LAUGHS]

  • We're going to lose that one.

  • No, we're not going to lose it.

  • That's a good one.

  • Angina is a very serious health problem.

  • But for some reason, Andy giggles when I say it.

  • Angina.

  • OK [LAUGHS] What is it?

  • What is angina?

  • I'm not sure.

  • I'll look it up.

  • tWitch, what's angina?

  • Do you know angina, tWitch?

  • I do not know--

  • I don't know angina.

  • I'm curious to know that is though.

  • I'll find out.

  • All right.

  • Do you get dumber after a dentist removes your wisdom

  • teeth?

  • [LAUGHS]

  • That took a moment, and then I got it.

  • And I think it's very clever, Ellen.

  • Well, if it took a moment, you probably

  • got your wisdom teeth taken out at some point.

  • [LAUGHS]

  • It's not necessarily funny, but the bar is so low.

  • Yeah.

  • What else are they going to do, if not watch our show?

  • Right, exactly.

  • Do you think the "p" is silent in "psychology"

  • because it's afraid to speak up?

  • [LAUGHS]

  • That is excellent.

  • That is a good one.

  • Yep.

  • Thank you.

  • I had a hard time spelling psychology for a while.

  • [LAUGHS]

  • If you order a drink at Hooters and they ask you what size,

  • are they technically asking your cup size?

  • [LAUGHS]

  • That one's so dumb.

  • All right, that's enough thoughts for today.

Hello, and welcome again to my at-home show.

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Ellen, Andy, & tWitch分享他們的交配呼聲。 (Ellen, Andy, & tWitch Share Their Mating Calls)

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    林宜悉   發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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