字幕列表 影片播放 列印英文字幕 - I'm not gonna tell you to get a divorce, but I'm sure as hell might be thinking it. I'm Laura, I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist. I'm also a certified Gottman therapist and cohost of Marriage Therapy Radio. - Yeah I'm Zach, I'm also the cohost of Marriage Therapy Radio with Laura. I have a couple's therapist and private practice in Seattle, I'm also a certified Gottman therapist. - Today we're gonna be analyzing romantic relationships in some popular films. [music] [Laura] All right, so this is La La Land. Mia is an aspiring actress and Sebastian is an aspiring jazz musician. Sebastian has gained a steady job by joining a touring band. Mia turns down his offer to come on the road with him because she needs to rehearse her upcoming one-woman play. - Yeah, but can't you rehearse anywhere? - Anywhere you are? - I mean, I guess. - Um, well all my stuff is here and it's in two weeks so I don't really think that would be... - Okay. - The best idea, right now. But, I wish I could. - Okay, that's crap. Whenever people say, you know, I just wish I could. Make it happen! Don't say I wish I could if it's an empty wish. - Do you like the music you're playing? - I don't... I don't know, what it matters. - Well, it matters because you're gonna give up your dream. I think it matters that you like what you're playing on the road for years. - Laura how many times have you heard couples come in and say, we don't even know what we were arguing about? - I have no idea, yeah, every couple. Every couple. - I think that's what's gonna happen here. - And now you're gonna be on tour with him for years, so I just didn't... - I don't know, what are you doing right now? Why are you doing this? - What are you doing right now? Yep. - I thought you wanted me to do this, it just sounds like now you don't want me to do it. - As a therapist, when you're watching couples do exactly what this couple's doing, do you ever feel like you're kinda getting swept up in a tornado and you really can't track, and you're just like wait, what's going on here? [laughs] - If this was happening right in front of me, I would let it play, and eventually I would say, do you guys have any idea what you're talking about right now? And they would stop and it would jar them. The other one that I would say is, do you have any idea what the purpose of this conversation is? Like, they never know why, because I don't even know what the end of this conversation is gonna be, apart from disaster, because they don't have a shared goal, they don't have a shared understanding of what they're trying to accomplish together. And that becomes apparent because he plays this card which is, well I did what you wanted, so why aren't you going to do what I wanted? They're no longer talking with each other, they're only talking at each other. - Take what you've made and start the club! People will wanna go to it. - Where should they have stopped? Because there in an important stopping point that couples need to recognize where they're no longer having an intelligible conversation - Well, your question about when should they have stopped, it's kind of like asking; when should we parachute out of this plane that's about to crash? - [laughs] Yeah, yes. - Anytime before it hits the ground. - I'm gonna finally have something that people enjoy. - Since when do you care about being liked? Why do you care so much about being liked? - You're an actress! What are you talking about? [scoffs] - Yep, shots fired. - Yeah, if he says, "I'm sorry, hold on, let me go compose myself real quick, I shouldn't have said that." - What you're saying is this would be the opportunity for repair. - Yeah. - Instead he's... - Maybe you just liked me when I was on my ass 'cause it made you feel better about yourself. - Are you kidding? - No. - I know that guy very well. - Yeah? [laughs] You do. - I think it's interesting and actually quite brilliant that they wrote in this fire alarm, because I think we need this idea of this fire alarm or this like, third thing to pull us out of whatever's going on, and I just think that if you think of a fire alarm its like there's this... - Where's she going? What is she doing? Wait, no! - What? Don't. Stop! Come, [sighs] - So she leaves. You wanted her to stick with it. You wanted her to help him. - I, like I said, this literally ends in a disaster but no that fire alarm was brilliant. - After the moment that they've already hurt one another, then you get this fire alarm and I just wish that the fire alarm had gone off like, two minutes earlier. - The methodology that we come out of which is the Gottman Method, has this idea that there are four sort of relationship destroying behaviors, and they were all over that conversation. His defensiveness, her criticism, when he goes, "You're just an actress," there's contempt, right? Which is problematic. Some of us have to choose what's called stonewalling. Which is what she did, right? She just went totally inside and then left the room, and none of that makes room for a relationship. - If you recognize that these four things are part of the relationship, then it's probably in your best interest to rain them in and figure out how you can do something different other than what's going on. - You know the first time we met, I really didn't like you that much. - I didn't like you. - Yeah you did. - So this movie is, "When Harry Met Sally". Harry and Sally, you know, they have different ideas about relationships. Harry thinks that men and women can't be friends because the sex part gets in the way, but sally disagrees and they enjoy a friendship for a while and then they become really close, and then they sleep together, and this clip in particular is one of my favorite clips of all time, so here we go. - Put your names in you books right now, before they get mixed up and you don't know whose is whose. Because someday believe it or not, you'll go 15 rounds of a, whose gonna get this coffee table? This stupid, wagon wheel, Roy Rogers, garage sale, coffee table! - I thought you liked it. - I was being nice! - Okay, and this is one of the greatest lines in all of cinema. - I want you to know, that I will never want that wagon wheel coffee table. - Look at them. She's looking up at him, she looks at him lovingly, she has this one liner, and oftentimes just those one liners of humor is enough to diffuse a lot of tension in the room. So I love that moment. - You never get upset about anything! - Don't be ridiculous. - What? You never get upset about Joe, I never see that back up on you, how is that possible? Don't you experience any feelings of loss? - Isn't it true that when one person in the relationship is internally just having a meltdown; don't you love company in your meltdown? He like draws her in, and now all the sudden they're in a conflict. Like, first he starts off by exploding on his friends, she doesn't budge. She stays cool, calm, and collected and she extends the grace. - He just bumped into Hellen. - [Laura] Then, he sucks her in and is like, "No, I mean I'm in this place and I want you to join me." It's hard. It's hard to stay away from someone when they want to bring you into that tornado of frustration and anger. - It is, and what's really cool about this scene is what happens next because I think this is the heart of what we're trying to invite couples to think through. - Are you finished now? - Yes. - Can I say something? - Yes. - I'm sorry, I'm sorry. - That's the parachute right? Like that's the ability to say all right, this is the fire alarm. This movie is about their friendship and its actually what brings them at the end to a successful relationship. They weathered through lots of relationship bumps and curves and turns and were able to repair with some consistency, and she lets him. Which I think is really great. It's the friendship that pulls them out of the conflict, and allows them to repair quickly before doing damage, before getting to that place where they end up stonewalling and creating this chasm between them. Some of the best advice I ever got was marry your best friend, and so when I was in the single world I just kept thinking, I might not feel the fireworks but I love this person for who they are 'cause they're my best friend and I think that's a really great place to start. - Just want you to know, I will never want that wagon wheel coffee table. [laughs] - Double or nothing. - [Laura] Okay so this is Love & Basketball. Monica and Quincy were childhood sweethearts, both set on becoming pro basketball players and they both go off to USC where Quincy finds success, while Monica struggles for play time. Quincy struggles to deal with the media attention and butts heads with his dad about finishing school before going pro. Quincy feels Monica was not there for him through this, and the couple splits up.