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  • - Congratulations, Class of 2020.

  • You are all now high school graduates!

  • - Yeah!

  • (upbeat techno music)

  • (laughing)

  • - Um, I have a really big house.

  • My grandpa invented ranch dressing.

  • - [Narrator] Every quarantine graduation ever!

  • - Mary Everton.

  • James Finkle.

  • Peter Frankson.

  • (whoops loudly)

  • - Peter, you do realize that it's not illegal

  • to be naked in your own home?

  • - It Is gross, though.

  • (woman shrieks)

  • - Mom, I'm just graduating!

  • Mom, I'm just -- get out!

  • I'm just graduating!

  • - [Narrator] Is "Pomp and Circumstance" on Spotify?

  • - I waited eighteen years for this, Carl!

  • To see my son proudly walk across the stage

  • and accept his diploma.

  • But now he's not even going to graduate?!

  • - Whoa, Mom!

  • I'm still graduating, they're just not doing the ceremony.

  • Look, they already mailed me my diploma, so...

  • (diploma slides on table)

  • Oh, really?

  • Yeah, this -- this is just a piece of paper!

  • It doesn't mean anything!

  • (sobs angrily)

  • None of it counts unless I take a thousand photos

  • of my baby boy and put them on Facebook!

  • Even the blurry ones, Carl!

  • Even the blurry ones!

  • (sobs)

  • - [Narrator] I'm stoked that I don't have to go anywhere.

  • My last name begins with Z.

  • - And now, I'd like to present your 2020 valedictorian,

  • Shelby Chumber.

  • Get it, Shelby!

  • - Ooh!

  • As I look through the crowd of all your faces on the

  • Blandview High football field -- oh, sorry.

  • Should've changed that.

  • As I look through this webcam at all of you

  • in your bedrooms, uh... in this Zoom chat...

  • um, I'll just skip forward.

  • I think back on so many memories.

  • (chuckles)

  • Grad Night!

  • Nope.

  • Um... Grad Chat.

  • Um, prom!

  • Prom.

  • Prom Zoom.

  • Skip forward a little more.

  • Oh, okay, here we go.

  • Tonight, as we attend our final high school parties...

  • Damn it!

  • Tonight as we attend our final... video chat.

  • (beep)in' god.

  • Good job, everyone!

  • We did it.

  • Not all of it!

  • Some of it.

  • Can I turn this off now?

  • - [Narrator] It's okay, it's just a once in a lifetime

  • celebration that I'll never get again!

  • - Aw, nice!

  • My diploma arrived!

  • (envelope crinkles)

  • "This is just a folder.

  • "Your real diploma will arrive in eight months

  • when you don't care anymore."

  • Aw, man.

  • Well, at least it gives me something to look forward to.

  • There's nothing to look forward to

  • When you can't leave home

  • (sobbing cry)

  • - [Narrator] Now I can play video games while graduating.

  • It's the dream!

  • - All right, and now the Class of 2020.

  • Bryce Andep-- Amthe-- oh boy.

  • Bryce Amdem-- wait a second.

  • There's no one here to make fun of me for

  • mispronouncing any names!

  • All right!

  • Bryce Amb-(gibberish)

  • (buzzer)

  • Jay-Eesa-Ka... Ta-hom-son.

  • (buzzer)

  • Lucas Andern-- Anerderson.

  • (buzzer)

  • Alice Nagooyen.

  • (buzzer)

  • Reeb'eka Smythe.

  • (buzzer)

  • I'll tell you what, Millennials name their kids weird.

  • - [Narrator] What are we going to do for the senior prank?

  • Dox the principal?

  • - What'd your mom get you for your graduation present?

  • - A car!

  • - What are you gonna do with that?

  • - I don't know, look at it from my window

  • and pay for its insurance?

  • What'd your mom get you?

  • - Ugh, my mom got me the worst graduation trip ever.

  • (scoffs)

  • - I told her I want to go to Miami,

  • but she took me to the living room instead.

  • - Damn.

  • - And she insisted on tagging along.

  • - [Mother] I didn't mean to tag along, sweetheart!

  • I just live here and I needed to do your laundry.

  • (stammers)

  • - You don't do your own laundry?

  • - Big machines scare me!

  • - Honestly, same.

  • - I mean, if you think about it, it's basically

  • just like... a (beep)ing rotating disaster

  • that eats your clothes.

  • - [Narrator] The graduation was fine,

  • but the reception was terrible.

  • (obnoxious chuckle)

  • - All right, class, Grad Night is tonight,

  • and normally I would remind you about the dangers

  • of drinking and driving, since it isn't safe.

  • But... since no one can go anywhere...

  • Bottoms up!

  • Sake bomb!

  • (rock music)

  • - [Narratpr] ♪ This year is so damn weird

  • What the hell's going on? ♪

  • - Hey y'all, I'm very excited to be performing

  • for your guys' Grad Night.

  • So, what's the deal with principals?

  • Always yelling at you like, "Don't run in the hallway!"

  • - Boo!

  • Say something funny!

  • Why do they always hire some chump comedian for these?

  • - You think this is easy, kid?

  • You think doing comedy on a Zoom call is easy?

  • No mic, no audience?

  • Well guess what, it's not!

  • If you think it's so easy, why don't you try it?

  • - Yeah, Pete!

  • Show him!

  • (all exclaiming)

  • - C'mon Pete, do it!

  • - Okay, I will.

  • Yo, what's the deal with the principal?

  • Always being, like, "Stop running in the hallways!"

  • (raucous laughter)

  • - So, it's just me.

  • They just hate me.

  • - You got it, man.

  • We don't like you.

  • - [Narrator] I can't believe I have to miss out on sitting

  • in a gymnasium full of people that I mostly hate.

  • - Okay, we all have to stay on this call all night.

  • - I bought a bunch of Red Bulls, so I'm all good!

  • - Sweet, I'm loaded up on snacks.

  • - Hey guys!

  • Is it cool if I hang with you guys?

  • All night, guys?

  • - [Voiceover] Someone say no!

  • We can't hang with Paulie, he's so weird!

  • - [Voiceover] Why didn't anyone lock the room?

  • - [Voiceover] Okay, Peter, it's up to you.

  • You gotta drop the hammer.

  • - Yeah, you can hang out with us!

  • All night!

  • - Awesome!

  • I brought a bunch of dead squirrels

  • I wanted to show you guys!

  • I named them after you guys.

  • After I killed them, so it's not weird.

  • (spooky violin crescendoes)

  • - [Narrator] I'm gonna have my own Grad Night,

  • with hookers and blow!

  • (groans incoherently)

  • - Aw sick, dude, you're alive.

  • - Oh, what happened?

  • - Oh, you passed out after taking a shot

  • and chugging a beer.

  • It's midnight now.

  • - You're still here?

  • - Yeah!

  • Yeah, I had nothing better to do.

  • You (beep) yourself.

  • A lot!

  • It came out the bottom of your jeans.

  • We thought you died for a little bit,

  • but nobody called 9-1-1.

  • (crickets)

  • (beep)

  • - Oh, really?

  • You mean this?

  • This is just a piece of -- why did I look at the camera?

  • (beep)

  • This is -- whoa!

  • (beep)

  • (hyperventilating)

  • (beep)

  • - Whoa!

  • Whoa, Mom!

  • I'm still graduating, they're just not having the ceremony.

  • Look, I already got my diploma!

  • (paper falls)

  • Oh (beep).

  • (beep)

  • - Didn't anyone ever wonder why my name is

  • Jessica Renee Hidden-Valley?

  • (beep)

  • - I swear I'm not doing these multiple takes

  • just to drink as much as possible, okay?

  • It's for good-- it's for good takes.

  • (beep)

  • Oh, oh, oh, oh!

  • Oh, oh, oh!

  • (retches)

  • (beep)

  • But still, I guess, yeah, you can't drink still.

  • So... more for me!

  • (laughs boisterously)

  • (beeps)

  • - I didn't mean to tag along, Jess.

  • I just live here, and I need to do your haundry.

  • Haundry?

  • (beep)

  • - And they eat all my clothes.

  • (sniffs)

  • And my mom said that they'd give them back at the end,

  • but they -- sometimes they don't.

  • I've lost so many socks.

  • (beep)

  • - You (beep) yourself.

  • A lot, man.

  • It was, like -- you know when you're putting, like,

  • chocolate cake batter, and you have it

  • in the plastic wrap and you squeeze it out?

  • That was, like, what it looked like

  • at the bottom of your jeans.

  • And it was just, like, squeezing out.

  • Like, like, Play-Doh coming -- like, when you

  • make Play-Doh spaghetti? That's what it was like, but it was

  • out of all the holes of your jeans.

  • Just poop, everywhere.

  • Yeah, we were pretty sure you were dead,

  • but we didn't wanna call 9-1-1,

  • cause we figured, like, if you're already dead,

  • we don't want to waste their time, you know?

  • So... but hey, like, it's good that we didn't,

  • cause you're clearly fine.

  • I think.

  • Like, you're not fine.