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  • Okay, so, let me start with this.

    先跟你們分享一段故事

  • When I was 5, I wanted to be nothing more than a Disney character.

    5歲時,我想成為迪士尼卡通角色

  • I used to walk around the living room draped in old curtains

    我會披著窗簾在房間走來走去

  • pretending I was the Evil Queen fromSnow White”.

    幻想自己是白雪公主裡的壞皇后

  • I mean, the Evil Queen just because she's more fabulous than Snow White, obviously.

    為什麼是壞皇后? 因為她顯然比白雪公主迷人多了

  • My heroines were Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella and probably

    我喜歡的角色還有睡美人和灰姑娘

  • my most favorite Disney character of all time was Ariel, the Little Mermaid.

    但是小美人魚才一直是我的最愛

  • Now as I was 5, I think her character kind of spoke to me

    5歲時,我喜歡她的原因

  • because she had this long, luscious hair and those big, sparkling eyes.

    只是她香香的長髮和亮亮的大眼

  • But as I look to it now, her story might actually also relate

    但是現在再看她與我

  • a little bit to my own story, because she was a girl

    好像還真有點關聯

  • who needed to change her body in order to be herself and I am a transsexual woman,

    她需要魔法變成真的女孩 就像我動過變性手術一樣

  • which means that I was born biologically as a boy,

    也就是說,我曾經是個男孩

  • but as you might see, that didn't exactly turn out the way it was supposed to.

    如你們所見 這件事有了出乎意料的發展

  • So, actually this started when I was very young,

    其實從我很小的時候就開始了

  • my earliest memory, probably, is when my mom was driving me home

    有一次我和我媽在回家的路上

  • from a birthday party of a girlfriend of mine and I remember telling her that

    剛從1個女孩的慶生趴回來 而我記得我就這麼跟他說

  • "You know, mom, that pee-pee of mine, I'm going to cut it off someday."

    媽媽,我跟你說 總有一天我要把我的小弟弟切掉

  • Since then gender has become sort of a mystery to me.

    從那時候起,性別就困擾著我

  • I remember looking to the world and seeing all these people

    我常常看著各地的人們

  • who fell so naturally into either one of two categories,

    那麼自然地分配在男女2類

  • you know, male or female, and I remember being so intrigued

    而我記得我是多麼好奇

  • and feeling so astonished at how comfortable everybody always felt

    還有多麼驚訝

  • with their allotted place in the world.

    對於大家都能接受自己的腳色

  • As for me, gender always seemed like a big insider joke

    對我而言,性別是個大笑話

  • that everybody else but me seemed to get.

    但只有我知道這點

  • So, on the topic of gender let me ask you a couple of questions.

    對於性別我想問你們幾個問題

  • What makes a person male or female?

    什麼決定一個人是男或是女?

  • You know, is it just that one person has a penis and the other one has a vagina?

    就只是因為有陰莖或陰道?

  • Or is there something more to that?

    還是有比這更深層的原因?

  • And I think, in general, the answer would be,

    而我想,普遍的答案會是

  • Yes, the body does matter in determining what gender you are.”

    是的 身體的確是決定性別的重要因素

  • I think if I would do a little experiment with you guys, where I would ask you

    如果做個小實驗

  • to put your hand on the part of your body that determined

    請大家把手放到某個身體部位

  • if you were a male or a female,

    來決定你是男是女

  • most of you guys would go ahead and put your hand in between your legs,

    大多數的人 會像這樣把手放到兩膝之間

  • but I think we can also look at other examples.

    但我想我們也能看看其他例子

  • For example, women who undergo breast augmentations,

    像是去動豐胸手術的女人

  • and say about that, that it would make them feel so much more feminine.

    認為這麼做會讓她們更有女人味

  • Now, does that mean that, you know, women with bigger boobs

    所以說那些胸部比較大的女人

  • are more feminine than women with smaller boobs?

    比胸部比較小的還有女人味嗎?

  • I don't think it does, but I think this shows us

    我不覺得是這樣 但我認為這件事情告訴我們

  • that there is also a realm of feeling involved when it comes to gender.

    感覺與性別是有一定的關連的

  • I feel that we all have a voice inside of us that tells us

    我們內心的聲音告訴我們

  • whether we are male or female, no matter what,

    究竟我們是男生還是女生

  • and me, I never really had that voice, I never really had something inside me

    但是我從來沒有聽到過

  • that told me what I was, or what I was supposed to be.

    沒有聲音告訴我我是什麼

  • So, during my process of transitioning from a boy to a girl,

    因此,在我轉變成女生的過程中

  • I actually kept wondering about these questions

    我一直思索著

  • of what the body mattered to my gender and in the end I found out

    身體對我的性別到底有什麼重要

  • that I actually wouldn't be able to say this about myself

    但我發現我永遠不會知道

  • if I didn't actually experience it, if I didn't actually change my biology.

    如果沒有真的體驗過 沒有真的改變過我的身體

  • So I underwent gender reassignment surgery,

    所以,我動了變性手術

  • and that was 3 years ago.

    在3年前

  • And, as I woke up from my surgery, I mean, I was in a hell of a lot of pain,

    手術後醒來時,那真是痛得要命

  • obviously, because my pee-pee had gone bye-bye.

    理所當然,因為我的弟弟不見了

  • I was left with a heavily bruised and brutally tortured vagina.

    我所剩的是充滿瘀血的陰道

  • I will spare you guys the gory details, but imagine that it looked a little bit

    我沒有要讓你們想到那血淋淋的細節,但稍微想像一下那畫面

  • like 2 stone-cold, raw hamburgers just slapped together and stuck to my body.

    把2片生肉排合起來 再硬生生塞進我的身體裡

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • But as I started my recovery, the bruising went down

    當我慢慢回復後,瘀血退了

  • and all of a sudden my life seemed to pick up where it had left off

    突然間,我的生活又回到正軌

  • and seemed to continue as normal.

    而且似乎就像平常一樣

  • And in this period I kept wondering to myself, you know,

    這段日子理,我不斷自我思索

  • Why don't I feel different? Why aren't the questions

    為什麼我沒有變得不同?

  • about gender magically answered?" And then it hit me.

    為什麼性別問題沒有被解開? 於是我才恍然大悟

  • I can cut off anything I want to from my body

    我可以從身體上切掉任何東西

  • but that doesn't mean that it's going to change anything inside myself.

    但這不表示我的內在會因此改變

  • Now as we look at Ariel, you know, the Little Mermaid,

    我們再來看看小美人魚

  • and I'm sorry I keep using her as a reference point, but there we are,

    很抱歉我一直拿她當例子

  • she threw her fishtail in the trash

    她把她的魚尾巴丟進垃圾桶

  • and she grew a pair of beautiful, slender, pale legs.

    長出一雙美麗,修長,白皙的腿

  • But it didn't actually change her, you know, inside she still was

    但這並沒有改變她

  • the Little Mermaid that used to swim through the ocean.

    她內心仍是在海中悠遊的美人魚

  • And now, of course, just like in Ariel's case

    就像小美人魚一樣

  • my surgery gave me a way to live my life the way I wanted it,

    手術給我機會過我想要的生活

  • because all of a sudden to the world my body seemed to match the image

    因為對這個世界而言

  • that I presented of myself to the outside world.

    我的身體終於符合我的形象

  • So, to the world I seemed figured out, but to myself I wasn't figured out at all.

    對世界而言,問題好像解決了 但對我而言,仍是一頭霧水

  • I had no idea, and the questions that I had remained hovering

    那些問題仍令我毫無頭緒

  • in and out of my mind as it did before.

    就像之前不斷進進出出我的思緒

  • But does that mean that I regret getting my gender reassignment surgery?

    但是這意味著我後悔動手術嗎?

  • No, the answer should be definitely, “No.”

    不,一點也不

  • If I had to make the decision again, I would in an instant.

    如果再選擇一次,我也不會猶豫

  • You know, it might seem strange that in order to understand

    這對你們而言也許很奇怪

  • that there is no such thing as being a woman, I had to become a woman.

    我必須變成女人來瞭解女人

  • But that way, my surgery became, not a way of getting in

    但是手術並沒有解決我的問題

  • on the big insider joke, but of creating a little insider joke,

    反而又開了另一個玩笑

  • for myself, for me alone.

    針對我的玩笑

  • And that was probably the point where I just gave up

    這也大概是個轉捩點

  • on trying to figure out gender and try to answer questions

    我放棄去思索性別的問題

  • that I knew I couldn't answer.

    開始試著想曾經無法回答的問題

  • And I started focusing on what I did know about myself,

    我開始探求自己的內心

  • and what I found out, kind of shocking, actually, I found out that that was happy,

    而我得到的答案也令我驚訝

  • I was so happy with who I was.

    原來我有這麼喜歡自己

  • So gender actually didn't really matter anymore to me.

    於是性別對我再也不重要了

  • You know, whatever label you would put on me,

    不論你們怎麼看我

  • male, female or transgender or whatever, I would always be myself.

    男性,女性或變性人,我就是我

  • You know, I'm actually kind of proud to stand here before you

    其實我很驕傲今天能站在這裡

  • and be able to say that about myself,

    並且分享我的故事

  • you know, that despite everything, despite this entire process

    儘管中間經歷許多過程

  • of trying to figure out gender, which started off with me as a little boy

    從我小時候就開始的性別疑惑

  • playing with Barbie dolls and progressed into

    一直到後來

  • a very heavy gender reassignment surgery,

    我動了變性手術

  • I can now stand here before you and say about myself, that no matter what,

    現在我可以在這裡跟你們說

  • I will always be myself.

    無論如何,我就是我

  • Thank you.

    謝謝

  • (Applause)

    (掌聲)

Okay, so, let me start with this.

先跟你們分享一段故事

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B1 中級 中文 性別 手術 美人魚 身體 白雪公主 女人

【TEDx】

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    阿多賓 發佈於 2014 年 05 月 06 日
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