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  • Hasan, here's how we're going to do this.

    Hasan,這是我們今天要做的事。

  • You and I will each take turns telling a story to our audience

    你和我將就一個主題輪流說一個故事

  • about one topic. Okay? -Okay.

    給觀眾聽。可以嗎?-可以。

  • Tonight's topic is... [Drum roll]

    今天的主題是... [擊鼓聲]

  • ...embarrassing parents.

    ...令人尷尬的父母。

  • All right. Okay.

    好的。可以。

  • -Since you're my guest, I'm going to give you the honor

    既然你是我的來賓,那麼我就把先看我說故事

  • of watching me go first. [Laughter]

    的這個榮耀給你。[笑聲]

  • You can take your place over there by the --

    你可以過去,你的位子在那邊--

  • -Okay. -I'll start off.

    -好的。-我要開始了。

  • -Okay, here we go. -All right, go ahead.

    -好,開始了。-好的,請開始。

  • All right. I have so many embarrassing parent stories.

    好。我有很多令人尷尬的父母故事。

  • I'm trying to think. I don't know which one to --

    我正在想。我不知道要講哪一個--

  • You picked the topic because I'm Indian, right?

    你選這個主題是因為我是印度人,對嗎?

  • No, I didn't know. [ Laughter ]

    不是,我不知道。[笑聲]

  • -Yeah, you did. -No, it was at random.

    -是,你知道。-不是,這是隨意挑選的。

  • -No, I promise, no. -Okay, okay, okay.

    -不是這樣的,我保證不是。-好、好、好。

  • Please, I'm Irish. I got some bad ones, too.

    拜託,我是愛爾蘭人。我也有很多糟糕的故事。

  • Yeah. What do we got? I mean, my mom's got so many.

    好的,我們要說什麼呢?我媽媽有好多故事。

  • I'll do -- I'll do my dad because I talked to him today.

    我要-- 我要說我爸爸的因為我今天有和他通話。

  • So he reminded me of this story.

    所以他讓我想起這個故事。

  • My dad was very -- We never had any luck with cars growing up.

    我的爸爸以前非常-- 我們在成長的過程中家裡從來沒有好車。

  • We just never had a great car.

    我們就是沒有一部好車。

  • And I remember we finally did get a nice car.

    而我記得我們終於得到一部好車。

  • It was a Cutlass Ciera.

    那是一台 Cutlass Ciera。

  • That was the name of it. It even sounds fancy.

    那是它的名字。聽起來就很華麗。

  • And I think it had, like, cloth seats,

    我記得它有,像,布座椅

  • which was a big deal for us.

    那對我們而言是很重要的。

  • 'Cause the seats would be vinyl

    因為座椅也有可能是塑膠皮製

  • and just be too hot and everything.

    那就會太熱什麼的。

  • Like, we just burn -- we'd burn our flesh and stuff.

    我們會熱死--我們會燙傷皮膚。

  • [ Laughter ] But, no, this was like,

    [笑聲] 但是,沒有,這台車就是

  • "Wow, luxury." And it was amazing.

    「哇,奢華。」它真的很棒。

  • And so one night, he was coming home from work.

    有一天晚上,我爸爸工作完以後回家。

  • And we used to wait out for the car and stuff like that

    我們從前會在外面等著爸爸

  • when my dad would come -- Me and my sister and my mom.

    開車回家--我和我的妹妹和媽媽。

  • So the car was coming down the street and the horn was honking.

    車子從街上開過來然後喇叭正叭叭作響。

  • [ Imitates horn honking ]

    [模仿喇叭響聲]

  • And my mom was like, "oh, my God, kids, come out.

    我媽媽說,「噢,我的天啊,孩子們,出來。

  • Let's greet -- Let's say hi to daddy outside.

    讓我們一起迎接--我們去外面和爸爸說嗨。

  • I think he won the lottery. [ Laughter ]

    我想他中了樂透彩。[笑聲]

  • I think we won the lottery."

    我想我們中了樂透彩。」

  • And we're like "Oh, my gosh. What?"

    而我們心想「噢,老天爺。真的嗎?」

  • And, like, she was almost crying.

    她就像是幾乎要哭出來了一樣。

  • We ran out to the driveway and the car is honking.

    我們跑到車道上,車子還在叭叭作響。

  • Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!

    嗶!嗶!嗶!嗶!

  • And my dad gets out and slams the door,

    接著我爸爸走出來並將門甩上

  • and the car is still honking.

    然後那台車還在叭叭作響。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • "The horn's broke." Didn't even look at us.

    「喇叭壞了。」爸爸連看我們一眼都沒有。

  • Just walked right past us and got a beer.

    只是從我們身邊走過去然後拿了一瓶啤酒。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • And then another thing happened to my dad's car.

    還有另外一件事發生在我爸爸的車上。

  • He was -- He was trying to fix his car.

    他那時-- 他嘗試要修理他的車。

  • And he got a thing called, like, Gunk-Out or something

    他有一個叫做,好像是 Gunk-Out 還是什麼

  • that you spray on the engine.

    讓你噴在引擎上的東西。

  • My dad does not know anything about cars.

    我爸爸對車子一竅不通。

  • He's from Brooklyn, New York. Barely knows how to drive a car.

    他是從紐約布魯克林來的。連車子也不太會開。

  • But he's fixing his car in the driveway.

    但是他在車道上修車。

  • And he's spraying this thing. And he turns on the engine on.

    他在噴灑這個東西。接著他發動汽車。

  • And the car lights on fire. [ Laughter ]

    然後車子就起火了。[笑聲]

  • So my dad's freaking out. He doesn't know what to do.

    我爸爸嚇壞了。他不知道要如何反應。

  • So he slams the hood closed.

    所以他把引擎蓋重重地關上。

  • And it's like flames growing out the sides.

    而火焰從側面衝出來。

  • And he's like, "Oh, maybe that was a mistake.

    接著他說,「哦,這可能是錯的。

  • Maybe I should try to open it up again

    或許我應該嘗試再將引擎蓋打開

  • to get the flames to go out. -Oh, no.

    讓火焰散出來。噢,不。

  • So he went and he popped the hood.

    然後他走過去啪打了一下引擎蓋。

  • And then went around. It had one of those, like,

    接著來回走動。引擎蓋前面有一個

  • kind of locks in the front that it's really hard to open.

    像鎖一樣的東西,非常難打開

  • So he was burning his fingers. [ Laughter ]

    所以他燙傷了他的手指頭。[笑聲]

  • And he couldn't open the hood. And he just came in.

    他還是打不開引擎蓋。接著他走進來。

  • He goes, "Kids, just get on the ground.

    他說:「孩子們,趴在地上

  • I think the car is going to blow up."

    我像車子就要爆炸了。」

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • And we laid on the ground.

    然後我們全都趴在地上。

  • And my mom's, like, "We got to tell the neighbors."

    我媽說,「我們必須通知鄰居。」

  • 'Cause they had their kids. He was like --

    因為他們都有孩子。

  • And he yelled over to them. He's like, "Go inside.

    爸爸對著他們大叫。他說,「進去

  • My car is about to explode." [ Laughter ]

    我的車就要爆炸了。」[笑聲]

  • And the kids ran in. And people were screaming.

    接著孩子們都跑回家。人們在尖叫。

  • And we called the fire department.

    我們打電話到消防局。

  • And we were laying on the ground.

    我們全趴在地上。

  • And then they came -- -But, you guys stayed?

    之後他們來了---但是,你們都留在那裡?

  • -Oh, we stayed and just laid on the ground.

    喔,我們留在那裡而且趴在地上。

  • Like -- just hoping. [ Laughter ]

    就像是--盼望著。[笑聲]

  • -They ran for it. Let them be safe.

    他們跑走了。讓他們得到安全。

  • -Oh, yeah. Our neighbors ran down the street.

    沒錯。我們的鄰居們跑到街上去。

  • Yeah, yeah. [ Laughter ]

    是的,沒錯。[笑聲]

  • And they put out the thing. And my dad's car was totaled.

    之後他們將火滅了。而我爸爸的車子就這麼毀了。

  • He burnt -- Every wire was stripped.

    他燒了-- 每一條電線都剝落。

  • And there was nothing on it.

    無一倖免。

  • And that was the last time we ever got a nice car.

    而那就是我們最後一次擁有一部好車。

  • There you go. That's my story.

    就這樣。那就是我的故事。

  • [ Laughter, cheers, and applause ]

    [笑聲、歡呼聲和掌聲]

  • ♪♪

    ♪♪

  • -I got to go now? -Yeah, now it's your turn.

    現在輪到我了嗎?是的現在輪到你了。

  • Okay. -All right.

    好的。好。

  • Now send it up. -All right. So this like --

    現在開始吧。好,所以這是像

  • this is a competition? This is, like, a --

    這是一個比賽嗎?這是像一個

  • -Oh, maybe. -Is it?

    喔,可能是。是嗎?

  • -No I think it's more of a fun story telling thing. But --

    不,我想這比較像是分享有趣的故事。但是--

  • -No, no, no. I just not --

    不、不、不。我只是不想--

  • I don't want participation points.

    我要的不是參與積分。

  • I want to win or lose it.

    我要的是贏或輸。

  • -Okay, all right, all right, all right.

    好的,好啊、好、好。

  • [ Laughter ] Go for it.

    [笑聲] 來吧。

  • -I got to -- Okay, okay. -Okay, okay, okay.

    我必須--好、好。好、好、好。

  • [Laughs]

    [笑]

  • Okay, I -- [ Laughs ]

    好的,我--[笑]

  • Okay. I have -- I'm okay.

    好的。我必須--我沒事。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • No, I have to think about what are the repercussions

    不,我必須要考慮一下如果我說這個的後果

  • if I tell this, but who cares?

    會是什麼,但誰在乎呢?

  • Let's just -- let's do this. All right.

    我們就-- 我們開始吧。好的。

  • [ Laughter ] So -- because I got to win.

    [笑聲] 那麼-- 因為我必須要贏。

  • So when I was in high school,

    當我上高中的時候

  • I told a lot of stories about growing up.

    我說過很多有關我成長過程中的故事。

  • But -- I don't know if you guys know this,

    但是-- 我不知道你們知道這件事嗎

  • but I wasn't very good at math or science.

    我的數學和科學的成績都很差。

  • I'm sorry.

    真不好意思 。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • I know. I've let our people down. But...

    我知道我讓我們的人民失望了。不過...

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • So I was failing Honors Chem.

    我沒有通過 Honors Chem 的考試。

  • And, so sometimes during lunch,

    所以有時候我會在

  • I would have lunch in Mr. Delucas' classroom.

    Delucus 老師的教室裡吃午餐。

  • You know, like all popular kids do.

    你知道的,所有受歡迎的孩子們也是這樣。

  • [ Laughter ] And hang out.

    [笑聲] 在那裡混。

  • Hang out with the teacher during lunch.

    在午餐時間和老師一起打發時間。

  • -Eating -- -So I'm in there during lunch.

    吃飯--- 所以午餐的時間我都在那裡。

  • Mr. Delucas is like, "Hey, I got to go to the bathroom.

    Delucas 老師告訴我,「嘿,我要去洗手間。

  • Just give me a minute I'll be right back."

    等一下我就回來了。」

  • He leaves to go to the bathroom. I look at his desk.

    他離開教室去洗手間。我看著他的桌子。

  • And the homework solutions manual

    家庭作業解答本

  • is just sitting right there on the desk.

    就在那張桌子上。

  • And it's just looking at me like the Sports Almanac

    它就像「回到未來」裡的那本運動年鑑

  • in "Back to the Future." Like, "I have all the answers.

    一樣的看著我。像是對我說「我有所有的答案。

  • [ Laughter ] Just pick me up."

    [笑聲] 把我拿走吧。」

  • And I was like, "He'll never guess that if I take this --

    而我當時心想,「他永遠不會猜到是我拿的--

  • he won't even know it was me.

    他不會知道是我做的。

  • He's not going to guess that the Indian kid did it.

    他肯定猜不到這會是印度小孩幹的。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • So I take the solutions manual.

    所以我將解答本拿走。

  • I put it in my backpack. I walk out of the class.

    我將它放在背包裡。我走出教室。

  • And I'm like, "Okay, this is wrong.

    而我想,「這是不對的。

  • What you are doing is objectively wrong."

    客觀上來說,你的所作所為是錯的。」

  • And I know -- like, I feel awful about it.

    而我知道-- 我覺得這樣很不好。

  • I have kids. I should not do this.

    我有孩子。我不應該做這種事。

  • Cheating is wrong. But...

    欺騙是錯的。但是...

  • I've never felt more alive.

    我感到前所未有的活力。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑]

  • And I'm like,

    接著我想

  • "What if I go to Kinko's

    「如果我到 Kinko‘s

  • and I just photocopy this, and I sell it to other kids?"

    影印它,然後賣給其他的小孩?」

  • [ Laughter ] -Oh, gosh.

    [笑聲] 噢,我的天啊。

  • -And so I'm at Kinko's, and I just photocopy the book.

    所以我去到 Kinko's,並影印了整本書。

  • I come back to school. And I just start selling

    我回到學校。接著我開始將作業答案

  • the answer to the homework to other kids

    販賣給其他的小孩

  • for $5 a pop, which is a discount.

    一張複印紙 5 元美金,這已經是折扣後的價格了。

  • That's a discount. It's a great deal!

    那是折扣價。非常划算!

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • All the answers for the entire year, five bucks?

    一整年的答案只要 5 塊?

  • And, eventually, someone snitched.

    最後,有人告發。

  • I don't know who it was. It was Michael Minichiello.

    我不知道那個人是誰。是 Michael Minichiello。

  • But I don't know who it was. [ Laughter ]

    但我不知道他是誰。[笑聲]

  • And I don't know. I just -- I don't know who it could be.

    我不知道。我只是-- 我不知道那可能會是誰。

  • And Mr. Delucas calls me into his classroom.

    Delucas 老師把我叫到他的教室裡。

  • And he sits me down. And is like,

    他讓我坐下。他說

  • "I know you're the kid who stole the solutions manual.

    「我知道你就是把答案本偷走的人。

  • And, Hasan, what you have done --

    Hasan,你做的這件事--

  • you have violated my trust,

    你破壞的我的信任

  • you've insulted the ethical standards of this school,

    你侮辱了這間學校的道德標準

  • And I should expel you right now.

    我現在應該要馬上開除你。

  • But I'm going to call your father instead."

    但我要打電話給你的父親。」

  • And I was like, "Just expel me, please."

    而我心想,「你就開除我就好了,拜託。」

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • He puts my dad on speakerphone.

    他將電話轉成擴音

  • "Mr. Minhaj, come to Davis High School immediately.

    「Minhaj 先生,請馬上來 Davis 高中一趟。

  • I am waiting here with your son."

    我和您的兒子在這裡等您。」

  • It was the longest 45 minutes

    那是我生命當中

  • I've ever had to go through in my life.

    經歷過最長的 45 分鐘。

  • I'm sitting there. There's just an empty chair, sweating.

    我坐在那裡。那裡只有一張空椅子,爆汗。

  • I'm like, "I'm going to die."

    我想,「我死定了。」

  • My dad comes in. He sits down.

    我爸爸進來。他坐下。

  • Mr. Delucas is like, "Your son is the criminal master mind

    Delucas 老師說,「您的兒子是本校

  • behind one of the biggest cheating scandals

    最大作弊醜聞之一的

  • at this school.

    犯罪主謀。

  • He has been selling the homework answers

    他將作業答案販賣

  • to multiple students in his class."

    給眾多的同班同學。」

  • And my dad, he looks at Mr. Delucas.

    而我的爸爸,看著 Delucas 老師。

  • and he was like, "Mr. Delucas,

    他說,「Delucas 先生,

  • my son did not do this."

    我的兒子並沒有做這件事。」

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • And I was like, "Wow. Like, pops, like, he trusts me.

    我當時心想,「哇,老爸,他竟然相信我。

  • [ Laughter ] He has my back."

    [笑聲] 他支持我。」

  • -Wow.

    哇。

  • And he's like, "Hasan is a coward.

    然後他說,「Hasan 是一個膽小鬼。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • He doesn't have the guts to pull this off."

    他沒有那個膽子做這件事。」

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • And I did graduate.

    所以我還是畢業了。

  • And here I am. So -- [ Laughter ]

    然後我今天在這裡。所有-- [笑聲]

  • [ Cheers and applause ] Thank you, guys.

    [歡呼和掌聲] 謝謝大家。

  • ♪♪

    ♪♪

  • -Coward? -A coward.

    膽小鬼?一個膽小鬼。

  • Tough dad! That's hilarious.

    你爸真猛!太好笑了。

  • That is how you do it right there, everybody.

    大家,這就是說故事啊!

  • Hasan Minhaj! [ Cheers and applause ]

    Hasan Minhaj![歡呼聲和掌聲]

Hasan, here's how we're going to do this.

Hasan,這是我們今天要做的事。

字幕與單字

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A2 初級 中文 美國腔 TheTonightShow 笑聲 爸爸 車子 故事 老師

故事時間與哈桑-明哈吉:尷尬的父母。 (Storytime w/ Hasan Minhaj: Embarrassing Parents)

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    Jade Weng 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
影片單字