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  • ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,

  • WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW.

  • HEY, JON!

  • >> Jon: HELLO, HELLO.

  • WHAT'S HAPPENING?

  • >> Stephen: JON, I GOT TO TELL YOU, HEARING THE BAND TOGETHER,

  • DOING THE THEME SONG IS TRULY MOVING.

  • I JUST LOVE HEARING YOU GUYS PLAY TOGETHER AGAIN.

  • >> THANK YOU.

  • IT FEELS GOOD, AND I FEEL LIKE THAT SOUND HAS BECOME SO

  • CLASSIC.

  • IT JUST BRINGS ME RIGHT BACK TO THE THEATER.

  • >> Stephen: YEAH, THERE ARE SO MANY REASONS TO GET BACK TO THE

  • THEATER.

  • THAT IS TO HEAR YOU GUYS LIVE, I MISS IT.

  • THE EMERGENCY YOU BRING TO IT, WHEN I HEARD THAT, TOTALLY READY

  • TO DO A SHOW.

  • >> YEAH, YEAH, EXACTLY.

  • IT SNAPS YOU IN.

  • >> Stephen: YEAH.

  • IT REALLY IS A PHYSICAL MEMORY.

  • >> Stephen: YEAH, AND THE ENERGY THAT YOU GUYS PLAY WITH

  • IS LIKE, YOU KNOW, LIKE THOSE MAGNETIC LEVITATION TRAINS.

  • >> YES.

  • >> Stephen: I FEEL LIKE YOU'REpM ENTIRE SHOW.

  • > Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS.

  • THAT MOVES MY HEART.

  • THAT'S WHAT WE TRY TO.

  • DO WE TRY TO BRING IT EVERY NIGHT SO PEOPLE CAN FEEL IT

  • EVERYWHERE.

  • >> Stephen: HOW DID YOU DO IT?

  • >> Jon: SO I RECORDED FIRST AND I WAS SETTING A CLICK TRACK

  • TO SET THE TONE AND GET THE VIBE.

  • SO WE HAD THE CLICK TRACK AS A REFERENCE AND THEY COULD LISTEN

  • TO ME OR THE CLICK TRACK, AND EVERYBODY LAYERED ON TOP OF THAT

  • AND SENT IN THE VIDEOS.

  • OUR TEAM AT THE SHOW, THEY'RE AMAZING, THEY CAN PUT THE STUFF

  • TOGETHER FROM ANYWHERE.

  • WHO KNOWS HOW THAT HAPPENED.

  • I WASN'T PART OF THAT PART.

  • >> Stephen: MORE, PLEASE.

  • >> Jon: OH, IT'S COMING.

  • WE HAVE BEEN COOKIN'!

  • >> Stephen: GOOD, BECAUSE I'M HUNGRY.

  • >> Jon: HA!

  • >> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU.

  • MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A VERY FUNNY COMEDIAN YOU KNOW FROM, OH,

  • HELLO, BIG MOUTH, AND JOHN MULANEY AND THE SACK LUNCH

  • BUNCH.

  • PLEASE WELCOME JOHN MULANEY.

  • >> HEY, STEPHEN.

  • >> Stephen: HEY, HOW ARE YOU RIDING OUT THE QUARANTINING?

  • >> I'M VERY LUCKY TO BE RIDING IT OUT WELL, YEAH.

  • >> Stephen: ME, TOO.

  • VERY LUCKY TO BE HEALTHY, VERY LUCKY TO HAVE A JOB RIGHT NOW

  • THAT I CAN STILL SORT OF DO.

  • >> Jon: YEAH, YOU DO HAVE A JOB NOW.

  • >> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.

  • LEGALLY, THEY HAVE TO PAY ME.

  • >> Jon: I FEEL, YOU KNOW, THERE'S A LOT OF TERRIBLE THINGS

  • HAPPENING.

  • THERE'S A NICE AMOUNT OF CAMARADERIE AND WE'RE ALL DOING

  • THE SAME THING AT ONCE.

  • >> Stephen: IS THAT SOME SOLACE FOR YOU THAT YOU'RE NOT

  • ALONE?

  • THAT ALL HUMANITY IS DOING THIS?

  • >> Jon: IT'S AT LEAST AT BEST A COMFORT AND AT MOST -- AND AT

  • LEAST IT'S A DELIGHTFUL, LIKE, CURIOSITY THAT EVERY -- LIKE,

  • YOU KNOW WHAT?

  • YOU, ME, O.J. SIMPSON AND MEG RYAN HAVE IN COMMON.

  • >> Stephen: UH, GRATEFULLY HAD IS A RELATIONSHIP WITH JOHN

  • MELLENCAMP?

  • >> TRUE.

  • O.J., IF ONLY HE HAD WRITTEN A SONG ABOUT THAT.

  • BUT WE'RE ALSO ALL QUARANTINING.

  • >> Stephen: YEAH.

  • YOU, STEPHEN COLBERT, TEDDY SE VAL IS, JR., BANKSY, ALL

  • QUARANTINING.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THE D DALAI LAMA?

  • IS HE?

  • >> Stephen: WHY WOULD THE DALAI LAMA BREAK THE RULES.

  • DOESN'T SEEM LIKE HIS STYLE.

  • THOUGH THE CHINESE MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING DIFFERENT TO SAY ABOUT

  • THAT.

  • >> BREAKS RULES WHEN THEY'RE WORTH BREAKING.

  • >> Stephen: YEAH.

  • BOND WHERE ARE HE'S STAYING.

  • I HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT THE LAMA.

  • >> Stephen: HE'S NOT CRASHING WITH ME.

  • >> NO?

  • >> Stephen: NO, BUT I BET HE'D BE A GREAT HOUSE GUEST.

  • >> HE'S ALWAYS GIGGLING.

  • THAT'S ONE THING I LOVE ABOUT HE AND DESMOND TUTU, ALWAYS

  • GIGGLING.

  • >> Stephen: NOT GREAT.

  • WHAT.

  • >> Stephen: AN ADULT MAN GIGGLING, MIGHT BE WEIRD.

  • LET'S HEAR YOURS.

  • ( GIGGLES ) LET'S HEAR YOURS

  • ( STEPHEN GIGGLING ) A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE HAVING ODD

  • DREAMS.

  • LET ME TELL YOU MINE QUICKLY BECAUSE I'M THE GUEST TOON.

  • IT'S I DREAMED I HAD TO DO MY SHOW BUT I HAD TO DO IT

  • SOMEPLACE WHERE NOBODY COULD FIND ME.

  • I WOULD BE IN TROUBLE IF ANYBODY COULD FIND ME BUT I STILL HAD TO

  • DO MY SHOW.

  • DOCTOR?

  • >> YOU WOULD BE IN TROUBLE IF ANYONE FOUND YOU?

  • >> Stephen: LIKE THE COPS WOULD FIND ME DOING MY SEW SHOW.

  • BUT I HAD TO DO THE SHOW AND BROADCAST IT BUT NOT ANYPLACE

  • THE COPS COULD FIND ME.

  • >> THAT'S YOURSELF.

  • SOME PART OF YOU IS CONFLICTED ABOUT PERFORMING AND CASHING

  • IN -- I'M KIDDING -- ABOUT WORKING DURING A TIME LIKE THIS.

  • >> Stephen: OH, YEAH.

  • O YOUR INNER MORAL COMPASS.

  • PERHAPS MAYBE A SUPER EGO.

  • MAY BE TOO FAR TO ONE EXTREME.

  • >> Stephen: SURE.

  • YOU WANT TO HIDE FROM THAT PART OF YOURSELF THAT SAYS

  • WHY -- WHY AM I MAKING MY CHILDREN JOIN A UNION AND BY MY

  • P.A.s?

  • >> Stephen: WHY MUST THE SHOW GO ON.

  • >> WHY MUST THE SHOW GO ON.

  • FAIR QUESTION.

  • >> Stephen: ENOUGH OF ME, AS FASCINATING AS I AM.

  • PLEASE, JOHN.

  • >> THAT IS A GOOD DREAM.

  • HAVING NO TRAINING I KNOCKED THAT OUT OF THE PARK.

  • >> Stephen: YEAH.

  • I WROTE DOWN A DREAM TO TELL YOU ABOUT BECAUSE I'M PERPLEXED

  • BY IT FOR REAL.

  • >> Stephen: NOT EVERY GUEST BRINGS NOTES.

  • WONDERFUL.

  • >> PLEASE.

  • iPhone, BY THE WAY.

  • >> Stephen: OH, WOW.

  • THERE YOU GO.

  • >> GOOD JOB.

  • OKAY, SO HERE'S THE DREAM, STEPHEN.

  • I DO AN INTERVIEW ABROB RINER, WHO I DON'T KNOW IN REAL LIFE,

  • AND I'VE WORKED WITH ROB RINER IN SOME SMALL WAY.

  • I AM UNCOMFORTABLE DURING THIS INTERVIEW BECAUSE I TON KNOW HIM

  • WELL ENOUGH AND AM SELF-CONSCIOUS I WOULD SAY

  • SOMETHING WRONG.

  • IN THIS DREAM, AS BEST AS I CAN REMEMBER, ROB RINER IS ROB RINER

  • THE DERRICK.

  • OKAY, I TELL THE INTERVIEWER THREE THINGS, ONE OVERWHICH I

  • THINK ROB RINER MIGHT FIND TOO CANDID.

  • SO I SEA HIM IN A RECEPTION WITH FLOOR-TO-CEILING WINDOWS.

  • THERE'S NO, MA'AM LIGHT WOOD, TOO.

  • HE HAS READ THE INTERVIEW AND IS ALMOST DONE.

  • HE MENTIONED THE FIRST TWO OF THE TREE THINGS I SAID.

  • HE DOES NOT MENTION THE ONE THING I WAS NERVOUS ABOUT.

  • THEN HE ASKED ME TO DRIVE HIM AROUND TO SEE THE CHERRY

  • BLOSSOMS WHICH ARE IN SEASON.

  • WE ARE IN THE CAR.

  • THERE'S A SENSE WE CANNOT GET OUT OF THE CAR IN A SEMI-COVID

  • QUARANTINE WAY.

  • I KEEP PULLING UP SUPER CLOSE TO THE CHERRY BLOSSOMS, LIKE WE'LL

  • BE UNDER A TREE AND THE BLOSSOMS ARE TUMPING THE WINDSHIELD.

  • I WROTE, NOTE, I AM CONTROLLING THE CAR FROM THE PASSENGER SEAT.

  • I SAY, LOOK, THERE'S A CHERRY BLOSSOM.

  • HE DOESN'T ACKNOWLEDGE WE'RE SEEING HIM.

  • I AM BEING OVERLY POLITE.

  • I AM EXHAUSTED.

  • WE PULL INTO THE DRIVEWAY, MUCH LIKE THE KIND I WOULD SEE IN MY

  • NEIGHBORHOOD IN GREENPOINT WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.

  • I POINT TO ONE.

  • IT'S 430 ON THE CLOCK.

  • IFALL ASLEEP THE WAY I NORMALLY DO IF RIDING IN THE PASSENGER

  • SEAT OF A CAR.

  • I MAKE UP, 6:30 ON THE DOT.

  • ROB RINER HANDS ME A PILL THAT IS A MEDICATION I GIVE MY DOG

  • FOR ACID REFLUX.

  • HE HANDS ME THE PILL, SAYS WAKE UP, AND THEN I WOKE UP.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WELL, THE FIRST

  • THING ABOUT THE DREAM THAT IT GETS RIGHT IS THAT ROB RINER IS

  • VERY DEMANDING.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) HE'LL ASK YOU TO DO ALL KINDS OF

  • THINGS AND THEN YOU DO IT FOR HIM AND HE'S, LIKE, EH -- I'M

  • SURPRISED YOU DON'T KNOW HIM BECAUSE THAT'S VERY MUCH WHAT

  • HE'S LIKE.

  • >> I DON'T KNOW HIM.

  • >> Stephen: HE'S A VERY LOVELY GUY.

  • >> IN "ALL IN THE FAMILY" AND A GREAT DIRECTOR, TOO.

  • >> Stephen: HE'S DONE OTHER THINGS SINCE THEN.

  • >> YEAH.

  • >> Stephen: YOU KNOW WASHINGTON WELL BECAUSE THE

  • CHERRY BLOSSOMS ARE GOING MAD NOW.

  • >> THEY BLOOMED A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO, YEAH.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY.

  • I THINK IT'S -- IT'S AN ANXIETY DREAM.

  • >> OH, YEAH.

  • I MEAN, YOU'RE SHOWING ROB RINER THE CHERRY BLOSSOMS AND HE'S NOT

  • HAVING A GOOD TIME, YEAH IS THAT BUT THAT'S NOT THE ANXIETY.

  • THE ANXIETY IS YOU HAVE SAID SOMETHING TO UPSET SOMEONE YOU

  • ADMIRE, AND THEY MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE HEARD WHAT YOU SAID AND

  • WILL NOT REVEAL TO YOU AND, THEREFORE, EITHER LANCE THE BOIL

  • OF ANXIETY OR ELIMINATE THE BOIL OF ANXIETY.

  • THEY WON'T SAY TO YOU, AND, SO, THE PRESSURE OF THE ANXIETY

  • GROWS BECAUSE OF YOUR IGNORANCE ABOUT THE DEGREE TO WHICH YOU

  • HAVE HURT THEIR FEELINGS, IF AT ALL, HAS -- IT KEEPS SECRET.

  • IT FESTERS LIKE A SECRET LIKE CAR BUNKLE INSIDE OF YOUR HEART.

  • >> YES.

  • >> Stephen: I THINK YOU SHOULD JUST CALL HIM.

  • >> I THINK I WILL.

  • I'M SURE IT'S ABOUT MY PARENTS BUT I'LL ALSO GIVE ROB RINER A

  • CALL.

  • >> Stephen: YEAH.

  • I'M A LITTLE UPSET WITH YOU RIGHT NOW.

  • >> GO AHEAD.

  • >> Stephen: YOU HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING ABOUT MY HAIR.

  • >> YOUR HAIR?

  • >> Stephen: NOTHING DIFFERENT ABOUT YOU?

  • I HAVE COLD MY HAIR FROM THE OTHER SIDE.

  • I NORMALLY COMB IT THIS WAY.

  • IT'S GOTTEN SO LONG, I HAD TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT, I COMBED IT

  • THE OTHER WAY.

  • I WAS ABOUT TO ASK YOU, THE NEXT QUESTION IS YOUR HAIR LOOKS

  • GREAT.

  • I SAID, NO, ( BLEEP ) HIS HAIR HE HASN'T SAID ANYTHING ABOUT MY

  • HAIR.

  • YOUR HAIR DOES LOOK GREAT, BY THE WAY.

  • >> THANK YOU, I APPRECIATE IT.

  • >> Stephen: AND I'M GLAD TO SEE IT LOOKS GREAT BECAUSE WHEN

  • I WAS THINKING ABOUT PEOPLE PROTESTING ABOUT GETTING THEIR

  • HAIRCUT AND GETTING SHAGGY, I THOUGHT, I CAN'T IMAGINE JOHN

  • MULANEY SHAGGY.

  • >> NO, DON'T CARE FOR IT.

  • NOT JUDGING IT BUT DON'T CARE FOR IT.

  • >> Stephen: ARE YOU BREAKING THE RULES?

  • WHY DO YOU LOOK GOOD?

  • >> I CHARTER A PLANE AND I GO TO WISCONSIN AND I DROP IN AND GET

  • IT CUT.

  • NO, MY WIFE ANNA MARIE WAS A MAKEUP ARTIST AND HAIRSTYLIST

  • AND STILL GIVES ME FANTASTIC HAIRCUTS.

  • SO SHE GAVE ME ONE A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO.

  • >> Stephen: WOW.

  • YEAH.

  • I DON'T KNOW WHY I DON LIKE HAVING FACIAL HAIR OF ANY KIND,

  • AND IT DOESN'T LIKE BEING ON ME.

  • >> Stephen: CAN YOU GROW A BEARD?

  • >> I THINK HAVE HAIR ON MY FACE.

  • >> Stephen: HAVE YOU ATTEMPTED TO GROW A BEARD?

  • >> I HAVE ATTEMPTED TO GROW A BEARD, AND IT LOOKED LIKE THAT

  • MAGNET GAME WHERE YOU DRAG METAL DIRT PARTICLES ON TO THAT.

  • >> Stephen: I BELIEVE WILLIE WILLIE.

  • >> HIS NAME IS WILLIE WILLIE?