字幕列表 影片播放 列印英文字幕 -Welcome to "Late Night," everybody. I'm your host, Steve? No. St-Sten? It might be Sten. Yes, Sten Mathers. The White House yesterday scheduled, canceled, and then rescheduled its daily Coronavirus Task Force press briefing. Wow, that's the kind of calm, steady leadership you usually only get from brunch plans with Ashley. During yesterday's coronavirus press briefing, President trump acknowledged the impact of the virus and said, "So, yeah, we've lost a lotta people." Okay, when I go, can Trump not do the eulogy? [ As Trump ] So, yeah, Seth's dead. Not, uh, too much more to say about it. Feel free to poke 'im on your way out, if you don't believe me. He won't feel it. President Trump yesterday pushed back against calls for the federal government to bail out states and cities that have been hit hard by the coronavirus pandemic and accused Democratic governors of fiscal mismanagement. They're bad with finances? Every woman you sleep with either goes home with hush money or a prenup. White House advisor and President Trump's son-in-law Jared Kushner said this weekend that the administration is working to bring manufacturing back to the U.S., in order to prepare for future pandemics and, "Make sure we're never reliant on foreign supplies again." Said Kushner, "The only thing we should be getting from overseas is dirt on Joe Biden." Florida governor Ron DeSantis is facing criticism after he referred to his state as, "God's waiting room" during a coronavirus press briefing. Said God, "You should see what I call it." The Los Angeles Lakers reportedly qualified for almost $5 million from a federal government program created to provide relief to small businesses. Meanwhile, the New York Knicks qualified for federal disaster relief. Yeah, you don't -- you don't wanna go in there. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control released an updated list of coronavirus symptoms yesterday that includes chills, repeated shaking, muscle pain, headache, sore throat, and loss of taste or smell. Cool! Thanks! Said hypochondriacs. So, everything?! So, the list is everything? According to a new survey, almost 70% of married couples say they've learned something new about their partners during quarantine. Even worse, 30% haven't. "You told me that story already." When? "Yesterday!" Nintendo has announced that more than 150,000 user accounts have been hacked, including that folder Mario had, labeled Tax Stuff. Officials in New Zealand announced yesterday that the country has "eliminated the coronavirus," which is great, but still not as great as hearing a New Zealander say [ Changes accent ] eliminated. [ Laughs ] A pug in North Carolina has tested positive for the coronavirus. Help! I'm having trouble breathing! Said a pug without coronavirus. "I'm starting to think we're not a breed that's still supposed to be around. Two cats in New York have reportedly tested positive for the coronavirus and one publication was a little too excited about it. That's right, two cats in New York have reportedly tested positive for the coronavirus, which is remarkable, since cats rarely ever come within six feet of humans. Yeah, some animal jokes, get us back into it. A McDonald's in England this week partnered with the country's National Health Service to offer drive-through coronavirus testing. Said people using the site... [ McDonald's jingle ] ♪ Ba da ba ba ba ♪ "I'm positive."