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  • >> Stephen: IF IT'S TRUE, THAT WILL BE GREAT.

  • OH, HI.

  • WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • MY WIFE AND I WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT WHEN-- WHEN WE GET TO FIND

  • OUT WHAT'S ACTUALLY HAPPENING SO WE CAN ALL GO BACK TO LIVING OUR

  • LIVES.

  • SURE, I'M JUST LOOKING FORWARD TO THE GLORIOUS DAY WHEN THIS

  • SCRIESS OVER, AND I CAN RIP OFF MY MASK AND GO INTO A

  • CROWDED ROOM FULL OF ELDERLY PEOPLE AND LICK THEM ALL.

  • AND WHAT GETS ME IS PRESIDENT TRUMP SHOULD HAVE SEEN

  • THE COVID CRISIS COMING.

  • WE'RE NOW LEARNING THAT AS FAR BACK AS JANUARY, "THE

  • PRESIDENT'S INTELLIGENCE BRIEFING BOOK REPEATEDLY CITED

  • THE VIRUS THREAT."

  • WELL, THERE'S YOUR PROBLEM.

  • THOSE ARE THREE OF TRUMP'S LEAST FAVORITE WORDS: "INTELLIGENCE,"

  • "BRIEFING," AND "BOOK."

  • IF THEY REALLY WANTED HIM TO PAY ATTENTION, THEY SHOULD HAVE

  • CALLED IT HIS "DAILY PORNOGRAPHIC HAMBURGER FIRE

  • TRUCK."

  • FOR A GUY WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT, TRUMP SURE

  • DOES TALK A LOT.

  • HE WAS AT IT AGAIN YESTERDAY, BUT NOT WITHOUT A LITTLE DRAMA

  • BECAUSE, IN ONE DAY, THE WHITE HOUSE SCHEDULED, CANCELED, THEN

  • RESCHEDULED THE PRESS BRIEFING.

  • WHO CHANGES THEIR MIND THAT OFTEN?

  • IT'S A PRESS BRIEFING, DON, NOT A WEDDING VOW.

  • TRUMP WAS ASKED ABOUT HIS SUGGESTION LAST WEEK THAT PEOPLE

  • INJECT DISINFECTANT TO CURE THE CORONAVIRUS.

  • >> Reporter: MARYLAND AND OTHER STATES-- GOVERNOR LARRY HOGAN,

  • SPECIFICALLY-- SAID THEY'VE SEEN A SPIKE IN PEOPLE USING

  • DISINFECTANT AFTER YOUR COMMENTS LAST WEEK.

  • I KNOW YOU SAID THEY'RE SARCASTIC BUT--

  • >> I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY.

  • I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY, YEAH.

  • >> Reporter: DO YOU TAKE ANY RESPONSIBILITY IF SOMEONE WERE

  • TO DIE?

  • >> NO, I CAN'T IMAGINE-- I CAN'T IMAGINE THAT.

  • >> Stephen: I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY THOSE PEOPLE FOLLOWED YOUR

  • ADVICE.

  • IT'S A REAL MYSTERY-- SPECIFICALLY, "NANCY DREW AND

  • THE CASE OF BLEACH SHE DRANK AFTER TRUMP TOLD HER TO."

  • THEN, THE PRESIDENT SHIFTED BLAME TO HIS LONG-TIME NEMESIS

  • "FILL IN THE BLANK."

  • >> IT COULD HAVE BEEN STOPPED, AND IT COULD HAVE BEEN STOPPED

  • SHORT.

  • BUT SOMEBODY A LONG TIME AGO, IT SEEMS, DECIDED NOT TO DO IT THAT

  • WAY.

  • AND THE WHOLE WORLD IS SUFFERING BECAUSE OF IT.

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "YES, SOMEONE SHOULD HAVE

  • STOPPED IT, A LONG TIME AGO, AND I DON'T WANNA SAY WHERE.

  • LET'S JUST SAY IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY.

  • THAT BAD GUY HAD A VENTILATOR ON HIS FACE.

  • HE KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP."

  • NOW, AT THE BRIEFING, THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION UNVEILED WHAT

  • THEY CALLED THEIR "BLUEPRINT" FOR INCREASING TESTING CAPACITY.

  • BUT IT LEAVES THE ONUS ON STATES TO DEVELOP THEIR OWN PLANS.

  • SO THEIR PLAN IS MAKE SOMEONE ELSE COME UP WITH A PLAN.

  • AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE A COPY OF THE TRUMP BLUEPRINT:

  • IN FACT, THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT'S BLUEPRINT DESCRIBED

  • THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT AS THE "SUPPLIER OF LAST RESORT."

  • THAT IS INSPIRING LEADERSHIP, JUST LIKE BRAVEHEART:

  • >> THEY MAY TAKE OUR LIVES, BUT THEY'LL NEVER TAKE OUR

  • FREEDOM!

  • ANYWAY, THAT'S THE BLUEPRINT!

  • GOOD LUCK!

  • I'M A FIGHTER OF LAST RESOOOORT!"

  • >> Stephen: THEN REPORTERS GRILLED VICE PRESIDENT MIKE

  • PENCE ABOUT WHY THE NUMBER OF TESTS HAS BEEN

  • SO MUCH LOWER THAN WHAT HE SAID THEY WOULD BE ALMOST TWO MONTHS

  • AGO.

  • >> Reporter: MR. VICE PRESIDENT, BACK IN EARLY MARCH, YOU SAID

  • WE'D GET FOUR MILLION TESTS BY THE FOLLOWING WEEK.

  • WE'VE JUST NOW GOTTEN THERE IN THE LAST FEW DAYS.

  • WHAT LESSONS HAVE YOU LEARNED FROM THE MISTAKES OVER THE

  • LAST MONTH AND A HALF OR SO?

  • >> JON, I APPRECIATE THE QUESTION, BUT IT REPRESENTS

  • A MISUNDERSTANDING ON YOUR PART-- AND, FRANKLY, A LOT OF

  • PEOPLE IN THE PUBLIC'S PART-- ABOUT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN

  • HAVING A TEST, VERSUS THE ABILITY TO ACTUALLY PROCESS THE

  • TEST.

  • >> Stephen: WELL, OKAY, BUT IF YOU DON'T PROCESS THE TESTS, YOU

  • DON'T GET ANY RESULTS!

  • THERE'S A REASON WHY WHEN YOU TAKE A PREGNANCY TEST: TWO

  • MINUTES LATER, IT DOESN'T SAY: "CONGRATULATIONS, IT'S PEE."

  • BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY WE'RE LISTENING TO THAT GUY AT ALL,

  • BECAUSE TODAY PENCE VISITED THE MAYO CLINIC, WHERE HE WAS THE

  • ONLY PERSON NOT WEARING A FACE MASK.

  • OH, MY GOD!

  • YOU ARE THE HEAD OF THE CORONAVIRUS TASK FORCE, AND

  • YOU'RE IN THE HOSPITAL, AND YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WITHOUT

  • A MASK.

  • HOLD ON, I'VE GOT A MASK FOR YOU RIGHT HERE.

  • IT'S NOT LIKE THE VICE PRESIDENT DIDN'T KNOW.

  • THE HOSPITAL HAS A STRICT POLICY REQUIRING ALL VISITORS TO WEAR

  • MASKS AND TWEETED AFTER PENCE'S VISIT, "MAYO CLINIC HAD INFORMED

  • V.P. OF THE MASKING POLICY PRIOR TO HIS ARRIVAL TODAY."

  • WOW.

  • THAT MUST HAVE BEEN HARSH FOR MIKE PENCE TO GET ROASTED BY

  • HIS IDOL: MAYO.

  • WHILE PENCE WAS SAYING IT AND SPRAYING IT, TRUMP HAD A

  • CORONAVIRUS MEETING WITH FLORIDA GOVERNOR, RON DESANTIS,

  • SEEN HERE ESTIMATING THE SIZE OF HIS BRAIN.

  • RIGHT OFF THE BAT, TRUMP OFFERED SOME CRAZY IDEAS TO FIGHT THE

  • VIRUS, LIKE BANNING ENTIRE COUNTRIES FROM ENTERING FLORIDA.

  • >> YOU'RE GONNA BE CUTTING OFF BRAZIL.

  • >> NOT CUT THEM OFF.

  • BUT IF YOU'RE GOING TO FLY TO MIAMI, THEN THE AIRLINES SHOULD

  • GIVE YOU THE ABBOTT TEST, AND THEN PUT YOU ON THE PLANE.

  • >> WOULD YOU EVER WANT TO BAN, CERTAIN COUNTRIES?

  • >> IF THERE-- IF THEY WERE SEEDING THE UNITED STATES, I

  • THINK WE SHOULD BAN THEM.

  • >> YOU'LL LET US KNOW.

  • >> Stephen: WHAT?

  • WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "YOU'LL LET US KNOW"?

  • RON DeSANTIS WILL LET THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

  • KNOW IF HE WANTS TO BAN A COUNTRY?

  • THAT'S NOT HOW THIS WORKS.

  • I DON'T TRUST FLORIDA WITH INTERNATIONAL POLICY.

  • I BARELY TRUST FLORIDA WITH FLORIDA.

  • DON'T ASK THEIR ADVICE.

  • DOESN'T TRUMP KNOW ASKING A FLORIDIAN FOR ADVICE IS

  • FLORIDA'S LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH?

  • AND THEN DeSANTIS BOASTED ABOUT FLORIDA'S SUCCESS.

  • HIS SECRET: HAVING JARED KUSHNER ON SPEED DIAL.

  • >> WHEN EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT 40,000 VENTILATORS IN NEW

  • YORK.

  • I WAS IN TOUCH WITH JARED, AND HE SAID THEY AREN'T GOING TO

  • NEED THAT.

  • AND I SAID I AGREE WITH YOUR NUMBERS.

  • MAYBE THINGS WILL CHANGE.

  • SO THEY WERE READY AT A MOMENT'S NOTICE TO GET THE VENTILATORS

  • WHEREVER THEY WERE NEEDED.

  • THEY WERE READY, WILLING, AND ABLE TO DO THAT.

  • >> Stephen: I'M NOT SAYING DeSANTIS IS AN ASS-KISSER.

  • HE COULD USE JARED'S BUTT AS A VENTILATOR.

  • >> Stephen: IT TURNS OUT NOT ONLY ARE THE AIRLINES FLYING.

  • THEY'RE STILL CROWDING PEOPLE ON BOARD.

  • LOOK AT RECENT FOOTAGE OF A FLIGHT FROM NEW YORK TO

  • CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA.

  • NOW, OF COURSE, THAT'S BACK IN COACH.

  • IN FIRST CLASS YOU GET CORONAVIRUS ON YOUR HOT TOWEL.

  • THE PASSENGER WHO TOOK THIS VIDEO TWEETED, SHE NEVER FELT

  • LESS SAFE OR CARED FOR IN HER ENTIRE LIFE.

  • OBVIOUSLY, SHE HAS NEVER FLOWN ON SPIRIT AIRLINES.

  • WHEN WHEN ANOTHER PASSENGER ASKED ABOUT THE CROWDED PLANE:

  • YES, WE KNOW IT IS A BUSINESS, BUT WHEN YOU STARTED CHARGING US

  • AN EXTRA $70 FOR BLOOD CIRCULATION.

  • BUT SOME AIRLINES ARE TRYING TO ADAPT TO THE CORONAVIRUS WORLD.

  • FOR EXAMPLE, JETBLUE IS THE FIRST U.S. AIRLINE TO REQUIRE

  • PASSENGER FACE MASKS.

  • JETBLUE'S CHIEF OPERATING OFFICER EXPLAINED THAT "THIS IS

  • THE NEW FLYING ETIQUETTE."

  • REPLACING THE OLD FLYING ETIQUETTE: NONE.

  • AND JETBLUE ISN'T THE ONLY AIRLINE DOING VIRUS PREVENTION,

  • BECAUSE AirAsia HAS LAUNCHED A NEW FLIGHT ATTENDANT UNIFORM

  • WITH LONG SLEEVES, FACE MASK, AND HOOD.

  • SO, APPARENTLY, NOW YOUR FLIGHT CREW IS MANNED BY A POSSE OF

  • BREAK DANCERS FROM CHERNOBYL.

  • AIR TRAVEL IS THE LEAST OF OUR PROBLEMS, THOUGH, BECAUSE

  • AMERICANS COULD SEE MEAT SHORTAGES BY THE END OF THE

  • WEEK.

  • APPARENTLY, OUTBREAKS ARE FORCING THE CLOSURE OF SOME

  • OF THE COUNTRY'S BIGGEST SLAUGHTERHOUSES FOR SAFETY

  • REASONS.

  • YOU KNOW IT'S BAD IF SLAUGHTERHOUSES ARE DOING

  • SOMETHING FOR SAFETY REASONS.

  • THEY'RE PRETTY TOUGH PLACES.

  • THERE'S A REASON THEY DON'T CALL THEM "CUDDLE HOUSES."

  • ACCORDING TO THE CHAIRMAN OF TYSON FOODS-- MIKE TYSON, I'M

  • GOING TO SAY-- SUPPLY-CHAIN ISSUES MEAN THAT "MILLIONS OF

  • POUNDS OF MEAT WILL DISAPPEAR."

  • A PHRASE THAT'S ACTUALLY INSCRIBED OVER THE DOOR FRAME OF

  • EVERY ARBY'S.

  • THE SHORTAGE HAS ALREADY BEGUN.

  • ALMOST A THIRD OF U.S. PORK CAPACITY IS DOWN.

  • IT DOESN'T HELP THAT ARBY'S JUST INTRODUCED THEIR NEW SANDWICH:

  • "THE U.S. PORK CAPACITY."

  • FORTUNATELY, THIS PROBLEM CAME TO THE ATTENTION OF AMERICA'S

  • NUMBER-ONE MEAT FAN.

  • BECAUSE, TODAY, TRUMP ORDERED U.S. MEAT PLANTS TO STAY OPEN

  • AMID THE PANDEMIC.

  • WW.

  • HE REALLY ACTED QUICKLY TO SAVE THE MEATS.

  • MAYBE THEY SHOULD HAVE PUT THAT IN THE INITIAL INTELLIGENCE

  • BRIEFING.

  • ( AS AIDE ) "MR. PRESIDENT, HUNDREDS OF

  • THOUSANDS OF AMERICANS COULD BE INFECTED WITH THIS DEADLY VIRUS.

  • AND SOME OF THOSE PEOPLE MAKE YOUR HAMBURGERS."

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "QUICK.

  • RAMP UP THE TESTING AND FIRE UP THE GRILL."

  • OF COURSE, I DON'T KNOW WHY ANYONE IS SURPRISED BY THIS.

  • THAT OLD CRONE TRIED TO WARN US OF THE COMING MEAT SHORTAGE

  • YEARS AGO.

  • >> WHERE'S THE BEEF?

  • >> Stephen: WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

  • I'LL BE TALKING TO THE LOVELY AND TALENTED JAKE GYLLENHAAL.

  • BUT WHEN WE RETURN "MEANWHILE."

>> Stephen: IF IT'S TRUE, THAT WILL BE GREAT.

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漢堡愛好者唐納德-特朗普下令美國的肉類工廠繼續營業 (Burger Enthusiast Donald Trump Orders America's Meat Plants To Stay Open)

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