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  • -Chelsea Handler! Thank you so much for coming on our show.

  • We appreciate it.

  • And I know all your fans appreciate it, too.

  • Because this is a -- some tough times.

  • Where are you and how are you?

  • -I'm in my room in Los Angeles, California.

  • I'm doing fine. I'm -- I'm happy to stay home and do my part.

  • And, yeah. How are you doing? You look cute.

  • -[ Laughs ] Thank you so much.

  • Come on. Oh, my gosh.

  • I'm doing -- I'm doing great, you know.

  • I'm just trying to, like, figure this whole thing out.

  • You know, we're with the kids in the quarantine.

  • Are you -- Are you with family now

  • or are you by yourself? -Well -- what happened was

  • the first two weeks I quarantined by myself,

  • as did my sister and her three kids.

  • And I really dove into the first two weeks of the quarantine.

  • I was like, "Oh, spring break, I guess, you know?"

  • Like, I'm home alone? I'm not allowed to talk to anyone?

  • Like, you don't have to tell me twice.

  • So I really --

  • I'm coming out with a cannabis line in the summer.

  • Well, I don't know now, but it was planned on,

  • so I had an exorbitant amount of sampling at my house.

  • And I just went head-first into that, and I was like,

  • "Hey, it's time to party," you know what I mean?

  • And I love my own company, so it was not a problem.

  • And I was -- I was having a great time.

  • And, then, I kind of overdid it.

  • Like, I had a big supply of those breakfast number ones

  • from McDonald's because those are kind of my favorites.

  • So for the first two weeks, I'm like,

  • "Oh, I better eat them all," you know?

  • -Oh, no.

  • -And with the cannabis and the eating,

  • I was going to my refrigerator like every 15 --

  • I was like, "I better eat again now. It's been 15 minutes."

  • -That was the plan.

  • -And then I had to set an alarm on my phone, and I was like,

  • "You can't go into the refrigerator for three hours."

  • And, then, if I do now, I have to set an alarm on my fridge.

  • If I open the refrigerator before the three hours is up,

  • an alarm goes off,

  • and it alerts the Los Angeles Police Department.

  • -Are you doing a lot of Zooming?

  • -Zooming is not -- I mean, I know you and I are Zooming.

  • Is this Zoom that we're on right now?

  • -This is -- Yeah, this is Zoom. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

  • -I can't read. But I don't love to.

  • I don't like to -- I mean, I like to communicate

  • like this for you because I love you, but, I mean,

  • I've been doing meetings on Zoom,

  • but they're really annoying.

  • You know, people are talking over each other,

  • interrupting each other, faces get blurry.

  • And then -- And now everyone wants

  • Zoom happy hours and cocktails, and I just don't --

  • -Yeah, I heard that. -Yeah, I just tell people,

  • "I don't get a good signal."

  • -Well, now they're going to see the show

  • and realize you do have a good signal.

  • -Yeah, but that's not my problem. You know what I mean?

  • I'm just going to stick to my story

  • and just keep going with that. Not my problem.

  • -Are you a -- Are you not a FaceTimer?

  • Are you a FaceTimer?

  • -I find FaceTiming intrusive and, quite honestly, offensive.

  • You know, if you don't have children,

  • there's really no reason to be talking that way.

  • I don't find -- Like, I don't want --

  • If somebody calls and it's a FaceTime, I don't --

  • I just hit decline.

  • But, you know, I didn't have children for a reason,

  • and it was because I don't like to FaceTime.

  • -[ Laughs ]

  • But now you have kids around the house.

  • Your sister has kids, right?

  • -Yeah, after my sister heard about my first two weeks --

  • Like, my sisters -- one's in New Jersey,

  • and one was in San Francisco,

  • and they were under a deep quarantine.

  • And after they heard about how I was conducting myself

  • for two weeks -- my memories were all blending.

  • You know, your days blend together,

  • and your attention span starts to go.

  • You're, like, too bored to even watch TV sometimes.

  • You turn it on. You're like... -Yeah.

  • -After that, my sister's like, "You need a supervisor.

  • Like, we're gonna come down there and supervise you,

  • make sure you're not going to lose it."

  • And she's like, "You need to get into a rhythm."

  • And she wasn't wrong. So my family came down.

  • So now I have a full house of kids,

  • and, like, all the bedrooms are full,

  • and there's clothes everywhere.

  • It's like what my house would be like if I had had a family.

  • It's fun. -[ Laughs ]

  • Are you -- Are you watching them homeschool?

  • Are you helping them homeschool?

  • -No, no, I don't want to ever -- I mean, that's another reason.

  • I mean, what's happening right now with all of our friends --

  • you guys I'm sure, too, you and Nancy.

  • Having to home-school people is kind of like, you know --

  • That's like my -- Homeschool a child

  • is kind of like my worst nightmare.

  • And I guess intuitively, I maybe had known

  • something this big was going to happen

  • because I always in the back of my mind when I thought

  • about children I'm like, "I just don't want to have to

  • be alone with them for long periods of time."

  • And so I -- Now I'm looking back at a lot of the decisions

  • I made as an adult woman, and I'm pretty solid.

  • I feel pretty solid, like, in my decision-making.

  • I don't have a husband that's driving me up a wall.

  • It's my family, so I can tell them to shut up

  • or I can go to my room when I'm annoyed.

  • And I don't have any children that I have to homeschool.

  • So somebody's hittin' it out of the park.

  • -[ Laughs ]

  • I saw somewhere that you're going to do

  • a commencement speech for graduates just on --

  • It's on iHeartRadio.

  • -Yes. Are you doing one?

  • -Yeah, I think I'm gonna do one, too.

  • -But did you graduate from college?

  • -[ Laughs ] I kind of -- I got my doctorate.

  • I got my degree. They gave one to me. I'm a doctor.

  • -So you didn't graduate. I'm more of a doctor

  • than you'll ever be because I'm a pharmacist.

  • So, you didn't graduate from college,

  • but you got an honorary degree

  • because you're a celebrity, right?

  • -Well, no, my major was communications,

  • and I think I'm communicating pretty well.

  • -Yeah, you're right. I didn't go to college either,

  • by the way. I didn't even get accepted anywhere.

  • So -- Because I didn't apply.

  • But I didn't think that was the right avenue for me,

  • which is more of a reason

  • why I would love doing a commencement speech.

  • Because if you can be successful without going to college,

  • I'm sure you can impart some wisdom

  • on people who have gone to college.

  • -Yeah. -I heard, though, that you had

  • a crush on our boyfriend, Andrew Cuomo.

  • -Dude, everyone does, right? I think he's fantastic.

  • -I mean, it's just like we are in --

  • We are -- You know, competence

  • has become such an aphrodisiac, you know?

  • In the state of affairs that we're in,

  • you see somebody who can explain things

  • with pie graphs and charts

  • in a simple, like, you know, factual way,

  • and you're just so -- I mean, I'm so turned on by him.

  • I'm so turned on by the leadership, you know?

  • I'm so turned on by somebody who's confident and can just --

  • and shows you what's happening without his personal opinion

  • intersecting, you know, all of those thoughts.

  • And I -- I -- I have feelings for him now, and --

  • But I know my pattern. I have feelings for Andrew Cuomo.

  • I wrote a piece about it for vogue.com.

  • But, I mean, everybody does.

  • Everybody's kind of on the same page with me, you know?

  • -Well, he's single. Would you ever date Andrew Cuomo?

  • -Um, the thing is, yes, I would date him.

  • I've been looking into his background.

  • He's mentioned fishing a lot,

  • and he's mentioned muscle cars a lot.

  • And being from New Jersey, like,

  • I'm trying to get away from that stuff, you know what I mean?

  • It's a little, like, too close to home.

  • -Yeah, yeah. -And there's not enough cannabis

  • in the world that's ever gonna allow me to go fishing.

  • -[ Laughs ] Oh, yeah.

  • Well, I mean, you get around those things.

  • -That -- I mean, we'll see what happens.

  • I mean, I had a big crush on Robert Mueller for a long time

  • during that investigation.

  • I developed strong sexual feelings for him, too,

  • so I know my pattern.

  • And when he disappointed me and that investigation

  • didn't come to fruition in the way that I had imagined,

  • I'd been -- You know, I'd been kind of smarting

  • from that for a few months,

  • so it's nice for a new man to come into my life.

  • But I know once this disaster starts to abate

  • and New York City's back on the rise and people are getting,

  • you know, back into, you know, into the world and our economy

  • and everything starts to become healthy again

  • and we can all mourn for all the people we've lost

  • in a proper way, I feel like my feelings for Andrew Cuomo

  • will also start to abate, because that's how I am.

  • I'm attracted to somebody in the moment of them fixing something,

  • and then when it's over, I'm like,

  • "Who -- Where is someone else?"

  • -Really? That's the way you work?

  • I know -- We ask everyone

  • that comes on our show to pick a charity.

  • And, again, thank you for coming on,

  • but your charity is the New Jersey Pandemic Relief Fund.

  • This is -- right there.

  • newjerseypandemicrelieffund. org.

  • What does Jersey mean to you?

  • -Well, I'm with my girl Whitney Houston,

  • who's from New Jersey, too.

  • So we're representing. New Jersey girls.

  • Well, New Jersey's strong, just like New York is tough,

  • you know, and I'm proud to be from New Jersey.

  • I'm also proud to have left New Jersey.

  • But I'm proud to be involved in

  • the New Jersey Pandemic Relief Fund.

  • And they're providing, you know,

  • PPE for all the frontline workers.

  • And this is just a time for all of us to say yes

  • to everything that we can, you know?

  • To any organization and to getting --

  • I mean, these medical workers,

  • the courage that they've shown us is basically, you know,

  • demonstrating what it is to people who do not work

  • in the medical community, what it is to be a hero.

  • And we have a lot of heroes. And I want to be --

  • And it is so -- It's a beautiful thing to see.

  • And it makes me want to just be better,

  • and it makes me want to do more.

  • You know, I want to show up for them

  • in the way that they've shown up for us.

  • -Yeah.

  • You're also going to be part of the Jersey for Jersey event

  • that's going to air next Wednesday,

  • April 22nd, at 7:00 p.m.

  • That is on Apple Music, Apple TV.

  • That is a bunch of New Jersey's best

  • all coming together to support --

  • -Yeah, there's Jon Bon Jovi, Bruce Springsteen.

  • Einstein is from New Jersey. I heard he'll be there.

  • Edison. Thomas Edison. We have a lot of good people.

  • Jason Alexander from "Seinfeld."

  • -[ Laughs ] That's perfect right there.

  • You got the whole -- the whole gamut of people.

  • Well, I'm so happy to see you and happy to see your smile,

  • and I can't wait to see you in person.

  • Again, I really appreciate you doing this, buddy.