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  • - All right Singapore.

    好耶新加坡

  • This is happening la.

    我真的來了啦

  • Did I nail that? Did I nail the "la"?

    這樣可以嗎?我的「啦」有用對嗎?

  • It's pretty good? All right.

    還不錯嗎?好耶

  • I'm trying so hard to learn these Singaporean slangs.

    我超努力學這些新加坡俚語

  • I asked Comedy Central Asia, "So how can I tweak my bits

    我問主辦單位

  • a little bit to resonate with the Singaporeans?"

    要怎麼調整段子 新加坡人會比較有共鳴

  • They're like, "Ah easy la, you just put a "la"

    他們說 啊簡單啦

  • at the end of each sentence, you'll be fine la."

    你每句話說完都說啦 就好啦!

  • (audience chuckles)

    (觀眾笑)

  • I was like, "No, no, no,

    我說 不行不行不行

  • like you can do that.

    你們可以這樣鬧

  • I can't do that, right.

    但我不能這樣鬧啊

  • That'd be cultural appropriation, right.

    我這樣是「文化挪用」耶

  • And I'll have no part in this nonsense...

    而且這樣玩 我就沒戲唱

  • la."

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • Tell you guys a little bit something about myself.

    跟你們講一點我的事情

  • My name is Brian.

    我叫博恩

  • I'm from Taiwan.

    來自台灣

  • 28 years old, I still live with my parents.

    今年28歲了 還跟爸媽住

  • Yeah. (audience cheers)

    耶(觀眾歡呼)

  • Yeah, there's pride in that, come on.

    對嘛 很值得驕傲啊 是不是

  • Yeah and you know why though, right?

    而且 你們知道原因吧?

  • I live off my parents because I'm from Taiwan,

    我還跟爸媽住 是因為我來自台灣

  • I can't like, declare independence or whatever.

    我不能宣佈獨立 之類的

  • (audience groans)

    (觀眾躁動)

  • Yeah, it's usually frowned upon on the international stage.

    國際舞台上都會有些質疑的聲音

  • Yeah that's what happens.

    沒錯 就是這樣

  • But you know, first time in Singapore.

    不過 你知道 我第一次來新加坡

  • I love the place.

    很愛這地方

  • I just got here yesterday.

    昨天才剛到

  • But when I landed, I sorta found that I had a sore throat.

    可是降落的時候 發現喉嚨有點痛

  • And I was like, "No, I'm doing Comedy Central Asia tomorrow."

    我就想說 糟了 明天要上台耶

  • I have to find an ENT clinic right.

    我要找耳鼻喉科

  • So I whipped out my phone, opened Google Maps.

    趕快拿出手機 打開谷歌地圖

  • I'm a lazy guy, so you know I use the speech to text feature.

    我很懶 很愛用語音轉文字功能

  • And I say to my phone like "er bi hou ker"

    跟手機說 耳鼻喉科

  • which is "ENT clinic" in Mandarin right.

    講的是中文

  • But I forgot to switch languages,

    但我忘記切換語言設定了

  • so when I said "er bi hou ker",

    所以我說 耳鼻喉科

  • it was like "happy hooker",

    手機顯示我說 happy hooker(魚水之歡)

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • which is not what I was looking for at first.

    並不是我本來要找的東西

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • But just outta curiosity I was like,

    但單純出於好奇

  • "Yes!"

    我心想 Yes 送啦

  • Yeah I'm like, I'm not the only one with a sore throat tonight.

    看來今晚不只我喉嚨痛

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • Guess what I found, I found no results.

    猜我找到什麼 什麼也沒有

  • Singapore,

    新加坡

  • your hookers are not happy.

    你們的性工作者不快樂

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • You guys know there's actually a store

    你們知道

  • called Happy Hooker in Chicago?

    芝加哥真的有家店叫這名字嗎?魚水之歡

  • Yeah, it sells fishing supplies.

    是家釣魚用品店

  • (audience laughs) Get that.

    (觀眾笑)聽到了吧

  • Like what's it next to, Master Baiter, come on, right.

    這種店隔壁是什麼店 天才小淫手 我說小釣手

  • But Taiwan is a great place. It's an island full of flora and fauna.

    說到台灣是個好地方 充滿各種動植物

  • We have actually, an endangered species

    我們其實有種瀕臨絕種的物種

  • called the rock macaque, yeah I know how it sounds.

    叫做台灣獼猴 我知道聽起來像英文的啪啪啪

  • Yeah, rock macaque, if you rocked it more you wouldn't be endangered right.

    啪啪啪 啪越多 就不會絕種了

  • The point is, we're not allowed to touch these monkeys.

    重點是 我們不能碰這些猴子

  • So if a monkey comes along, he touches us, that's fine.

    如果猴子來 牠碰我們 這沒問題

  • But if we touch the monkeys, that's bam, $3,000 fine.

    但如果我們碰了猴子 碰 9萬元罰款

  • Yeah, and the biologists all think this is ridiculous.

    扯吧 生物學家都覺得很誇張

  • They're like, in what world does this make sense.

    他們覺得 太不合理

  • They can touch you, you can't touch them.

    他們可以碰你 你不能碰他們

  • I'm like, no that's how I chill with girls too.

    我說 還好啦 我跟女生相處也是這樣

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • I basically get really close and hope, hope,

    基本上就是靠女生很近 然後希望

  • for physical contact.

    希望有肢體接觸

  • "Please, please, I have a guava, please touch me."

    拜託拜託 我有一顆芭樂 拜託碰我

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • We also have a lot of frogs.

    台灣也有很多青蛙

  • So, I recently learned this interesting fact.

    我最近學到一件很有趣的事情

  • In most frog species, only the male frogs croak.

    多數蛙類 只有雄蛙會叫

  • Did you guys know this?

    你們知道這件事嗎?

  • Yeah only the male frogs croak.

    對 只有雄蛙會叫

  • And I thought this was fascinating.

    我覺得太酷了

  • So I asked a biologist, what are they trying to communicate?

    就問生物學家 青蛙叫是在溝通什麼?

  • They must be trying to send across some kind of message.

    一定是有訊息要表達啊

  • And the biologist was like, well like yeah,

    生物學家就說

  • so when a male frog croaks,

    雄蛙叫的時候

  • it's tryin' to send two types of different messages.

    是傳遞兩種訊息

  • Now the first type is the male frog would approach

    第一種是雄蛙靠近雌蛙

  • a female frog, he'd be like, hop, right. And he'd be like,

    一跳

  • (croaking)

    (蛙鳴)

  • And that's frog language for, "I'm a dude."

    那是蛙語的 我是男的喔

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • Subtext: "I wanna hop on your back."

    潛台詞:「我想上妳 的背」

  • And I was like, okay, okay, that's normal procreation,

    我說 ok ok 繁衍後代很正常

  • circle of life.

    生生不息

  • So what's the second type of croak?

    那第二種訊息是什麼

  • He's like, the second type of croak

    他說 喔第二種就是

  • is when another male frog hops on his back,

    雄蛙被另一隻雄蛙騎的時候

  • he's like, "I'm a dude!"

    馬上說 我是男的!

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • I was like, "Okay so both scare people off,

    我說 喔 兩種都很嚇人

  • that's great, fantastic."

    很好 很棒

  • (audience chuckles)

    (觀眾呵呵笑)

  • I don't know, they probably taught this in school.

    不知道 可能學校有教吧

  • I wouldn't know.

    我也不會曉得

  • I've never been the ideal student growing up.

    一路長大 我從來不是乖學生

  • I got sent to detention when I was in second grade.

    我二年級就被罰留校察看

  • Like who does that, detention second grade, right.

    誰會這樣 二年級 留校察看

  • And I'll tell you the reason why.

    告訴你們為什麼好了

  • So there's this kid in school called Henry.

    學校有個叫亨利的

  • He kept stealing my Legos, all right.

    這傢伙一直偷我樂高

  • Now, you gotta understand, as a seven-year-old

    你要了解 七歲小孩

  • having your Legos stolen, that's a big deal.

    樂高被偷 是重大事件

  • So I went to the teacher.

    我去找老師

  • I tried right.

    努力告狀

  • I was like, "Ms Jenai, it's Henry,

    我說 哲奈老師 亨利他

  • he's stealing my Lego car.

    他偷我樂高車

  • He's breaking and entering my Lego house.

    闖入我樂高屋

  • He's usurping my entire Lego nation."

    搶奪我樂高國的權位

  • (audience chuckles)

    (觀眾笑)

  • But Ms Jenai, she was Palestinian,

    結果哲奈老師是巴勒斯坦人

  • so she was like, "Pft,

    她說 噗

  • call me when someone steals your whole country."

    真的有人偷你國家再跟我說吧

  • (audience groans)

    (觀眾躁動)

  • I did not know if Ms Jenai was just messing with me,

    我不知道哲奈老師只是鬧我

  • or if she actually knew I was from Taiwan,

    還是她其實知道我來自台灣

  • 'cause that shit happened 70 years ago, all right.

    因為七十年前我們國家就是被偷走啦

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • Take that, Miss Jenai.

    怕了吧 哲奈老師

  • But anyway, I was still angry right.

    但 我還是很生氣啊

  • So I punched Henry and got thrown in detention.

    就揍了亨利 然後就被送去留校察看

  • Now the worst part about detention is not detention itself.

    留校最糟的不是留校這件事本身

  • It's having to explain what detention is

    而是要解釋留校察看的概念

  • to your Taiwanese parents.

    給你身為傳統台灣人的父母聽

  • You know that day I got home, my mom was like,

    你知道 那天我回家 我媽問我

  • "Why are you home so late?

    怎麼這麼晚回家?

  • What's detention?"

    留校察看是什麼?

  • And I tried to play it down.

    我試著不講處罰

  • I was like, "You know, it's not that big of a deal.

    我說 沒有那麼嚴重

  • All that happens is, after school we have to stay

    就只是放學後

  • in this big classroom.

    我們要到大教室

  • This really boring-looking teacher in the front forces us

    前面有個無聊的老師在台上

  • to finish our homework.

    逼我們把作業寫完

  • After one or two hours, we're free to go."

    一兩小時後就可以走了

  • And at this point, my dad came storming in.

    這時候我爸衝進來

  • He was like, "What happened at school today?

    他問 今天學校怎麼了?

  • What did Brian do again?"

    博恩又幹麻了!

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • And my mom was like, "Can you believe what your son

    我媽說 你相信嗎 我們家兒子

  • did at school today?

    在學校做了什麼好事?

  • He found a free tuition center!"

    他找到免費補習班!

  • My dad was like, "But we pay for that shit!"

    我爸說 我們明明就有繳學費!

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • Yeah, I've done some studying abroad.

    我有到國外留學的經驗

  • I finished my Masters in Paris actually.

    事實上我讀的研究所在巴黎

  • Now Paris is a city that's very, very different

    巴黎是座非常不一樣的城市

  • from my hometown Taipei, very different.

    相較於我老家台北 非常不同

  • Everything is different, like the way we greet each other is very different.

    一切都不一樣 例如打招呼的方式 也很不同

  • So in Taiwan when we greet each other,

    在台灣 我們打招呼的時候

  • we do this really held back, this like, "Hi."

    超級保持距離 像這樣

  • (chuckles)

    (笑)

  • I dunno, yeah 'cause like in Taiwan,

    不知道耶 在台灣

  • we avoid physical contact at all costs.

    我們不惜一切避免肢體接觸

  • Like we don't embrace each other,

    不擁抱

  • we don't shake hands, we do this.

    不握手 只是揮揮手

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • But when you're in Paris, and you meet your friend,

    但在巴黎跟朋友打招呼

  • you're supposed to kiss them?

    原來規矩是要親他們喔?

  • I was not prepared for this.

    我完全沒心理準備

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • You know first day of school I get to my classroom,

    開學我走進教室

  • meet my female classmates,

    遇到女同學

  • we're like, "Salut, salut, mwah, mwah."

    我們就 你好 你好 親 親

  • I came so hard.

    我整個凍未條

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • You guys gotta understand.

    你們要了解

  • Like as an Asian dude, this is as far as I get

    身為亞洲男 這是我人生中

  • with European women.

    能被歐洲女「寵幸」的極致

  • This is carpe diem right there.

    人生苦短 惜福好嗎

  • This is like, seize the day.

    啊嘶 把握人生

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • But like next day, I went to school

    隔天我去學校

  • with this huge backpack.

    背著大大的後背包

  • And all my classmates were like, "Wow Brian, you study so hard, you're so diligent."

    我同學都說 哇博恩 你好用功 超認真

  • I'm like, "Nah man, this is all underwear, dude."

    我說 不是啦 整包都是內褲

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • I gotta keep myself dry throughout the day,

    讓我整天保持乾爽

  • all your greetings and shit.

    還不都是你們亂親害的

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • It's very different, it's very different,

    真的很不一樣 很不同 一切都是

  • For example, the metro system.

    例如 地鐵系統

  • So both Taipei and Paris, we have metro systems.

    台北跟巴黎都有捷運系統

  • But the things inside are a little bit different.

    但站內設施有些差異

  • So in Taipei, our metro, we have bathrooms, right, we have toilets.

    台北捷運有洗手間 有廁所

  • But in Paris, they have walls.

    巴黎呢 地鐵站內有牆壁

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • So for those of you who have never been to Paris,

    你沒去過巴黎的話

  • you can basically pee wherever you want.

    跟你說 基本上想尿哪都可以

  • (audience chuckles)

    (觀眾笑)

  • It's like this giant urinal.

    像個超巨型小便斗

  • Probably why Chinese tourists like going there so often.

    所以中國觀光客才這麼常去吧

  • (audience groans)

    (觀眾躁動)

  • Yeah, I'm Taiwanese I get to say that.

    對 我是台灣人 所以可以這樣說

  • I check my privilege.

    我有這個特權

  • But anyway, the point is, it's super different.

    但無論如何 重點是 超級不一樣

  • And so another thing, in the metro system,

    另一件不一樣的事

  • both metro systems have vending machines.

    兩邊的地鐵站都有販賣機

  • But in Paris, their vending machines sell condoms.

    但巴黎的地鐵站賣保險套

  • Yeah l'amour, right.

    浪漫的法國人 我知道

  • Whereas in Taipei,

    在台北呢

  • we sell tissues.

    我們賣衛生紙

  • (audience chuckles)

    (觀眾笑)

  • Yeah, tells you something about our night lives.

    說明了我們的夜生活

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • It's also the reason why we don't shake hands.

    所以我們才不握手啊

  • "I'm fine, thank you."

    不握手沒關係 謝謝

  • Thank you guys so much, that's my time.

    謝謝大家 我的表演時間到此結束

  • (audience cheers)

    (觀眾歡呼)

- All right Singapore.

好耶新加坡

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B1 中級 中文 美國腔 觀眾 台灣 巴黎 台北 老師 生物學家

(英文/中文字幕) Brian Tseng 曾博恩談臺灣人為什麼不握手 - Stand-Up, Asia!第四季全集 ((Eng/Chi Sub) Brian Tseng 曾博恩 On Why Taiwanese Don't Shake Hands - Stand-Up, Asia! Season 4 FULL SET)

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    Courtney Shih 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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