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  • WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • IT IS THE DAY AFTER SUPER TUESDAY-- ALSO KNOWN AS "OLD MAN

  • WEDNESDAY."

  • I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF--

  • >> I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT.

  • >> I BEAT TRUMP!

  • >> I LOST THEM ALL.

  • >> THEY DON'T CALL IT SUPER TUESDAY FOR NOTHING!

  • >> BING, BING, BONG, BONG.

  • >> "FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE: 2020."

  • >> Stephen: IT WAS A BIG NIGHT LAST NIGHT--

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PEOPLE ARE EXCITED.

  • PEOPLE ARE EXCITED.

  • IT WAS A BIG NIGHT LAST NIGHT FOR FORMER VICE PRESIDENT AND

  • ONLY DENTAL WORK THAT CAN BE SEEN FROM SPACE, JOE BIDEN.

  • 14 STATES HELD PRIMARIES LAST NIGHT, AND BIDEN WON TEN OF

  • THEM, INCLUDING STATES HE WAS NEVER EXPECTED TO WIN, LIKE

  • TEXAS.

  • APPARENTLY, DOWN THERE, HE APPEALED TO HISPANIC VOTERS,

  • BECAUSE LIKE MANY OF THEM, HIS FIRST LANGUAGE IS NOT ENGLISH.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THIS ELECTION YEAR, POLLS SHOW

  • THE TOP PRIORITY FOR DEMOCRATS IS WHICH CANDIDATE CAN BEAT

  • DONALD TRUMP.

  • AND THE AMERICAN PEOPLE LOOKED OVER THE FIELD, AND LAST NIGHT,

  • THEY PUT THEIR FUTURE IN JOE BIDEN'S HANDS.

  • LET'S SEE THE VERY FIRST THING HE SAID AT HIS RALLY:

  • >> BY THE WAY, THIS IS MY LITTLE SISTER, VALERIE, AND I'M

  • JILL'S HUSBAND-- OH, NO, THERE YOU ARE!

  • AH, YOU SWITCHED ON ME!

  • >> Stephen: OKAY!

  • OKAY!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S AN INNOCENT MISTAKE BUT

  • IT COULD STILL CAUSE TROUBLE IF HE BECOMES PRESIDENT.

  • ( AS BIDEN ) "HERE'S MY CALLBACK

  • NUMBER--302917-- OOPS, THAT'S THE NEW NUCLEAR CODES.

  • THEY SWITCHED 'EM ON ME!" ( LAUGHTER )

  • BIDEN WAS FIRED UP FROM HIS BIG WIN, MAYBE A LITTLE TOO

  • FIRED UP.

  • HE CAN BE HARD TO FOLLOW ON A LOW-ENERGY DAY, AND LAST NIGHT,

  • HE SOUNDED LIKE THEY GROUND UP SOME MONKEY ADRENAL GLANDS AND

  • JUST INJECTED THEM STRAIGHT INTO HIS BRAIN STEM.

  • >> A BOLD VISION... STANDING UP TO AND BEATING THE N.R.A.-- THE

  • GUN MANUFACTURERS...ACCESS TO HOSPITALS IN RURALS AREAS, THE

  • AS WELL AS URBAN AREAS.

  • >> Stephen: (AS BIDEN) "AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, I

  • PROMISE: GAH, YAH!

  • YAGGIDAH-BAH!

  • COME ON, FOLKS!" BIDEN-- I JUST GOT TO GET SOME

  • FLIP-DOWN SHADES.

  • JUST GET ME SOME FLIP-DOWN SHADES.

  • BIDEN STUCK IT TO NEIGH SAYERS OUT THERE WHO HAD COUNTED HIM

  • OUT.

  • >> JUST A FEW DAYS AGO, THE PRESS AND THE PUNDITS HAD

  • DECLARED THE CAMPAIGN DEAD.

  • I'M HERE TO REPORT WE ARE VERY MUCH ALIVE.

  • >> Stephen: (AS BIDEN) "THAT'S RIGHT, FOLKS.

  • THEY SAID WE WERE DEAD, BUT THEN THEY DUG ME UP, STRAPPED TO A

  • LIGHTNING, AND FRANKENSTEINED ME BACK, JACK!

  • C'MON, FIRE BAD!

  • C'MON, FIRE BAD!" ( APPLAUSE )

  • JOE'S BIG NIGHT REALLY WAS REMARKABLE, BECAUSE "HE WON IN

  • STATES WHERE HE DIDN'T CAMPAIGN.

  • HE WON IN STATES WHERE HE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE OFFICES."

  • IN FACT, IN MINNESOTA, BIDEN'S ENTIRE GROUND OPERATION WAS JUST

  • THIS FLYER: "JOE BIDEN AVAILABLE TO DOG SIT OR BE PRESIDENT."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • >> Jon: THEY REALLY DON'T WANT BERNIE.

  • >> Stephen: BIDEN DID SO WELL, HE EVEN CAPTURED ELIZABETH

  • WARREN'S HOME STATE OF MASSACHUSETTS, WHERE HE DID NOT

  • APPEAR IN PERSON.

  • IF I'M ELIZABETH WARREN RIGHT NOW, THAT'S THE LAST TIME I

  • CAMPAIGN COHERENTLY.

  • NEXT TIME, IT'S JUST GOING TO BE "CRAZY AUNT LIZZIE'S NO-MALARKEY

  • STREAM-OF-CONSCIOUSNESS FOLKSY-RIFIC WOODEN NICKEL IN

  • EVERY GARAGE CAMPAIGN-GANZA!" ( APPLAUSE )

  • BUT-- THAT'S A LOT.

  • A LOT TO SAY.

  • DO I STILL NEED THESE?

  • I DO STILL EYE DON'T KNOW.

  • BUT IT WOULDN'T BE A BIDEN RALLY WITHOUT A LITTLE CONFUSION.

  • AND LAST NIGHT IT CAME FROM SOME ANIMAL RIGHTS PROTESTERS.

  • >> WE COME FROM THE-- >> LET DAIRY DIE!

  • ( BOOING ) LET DAIRY DIE!

  • LET DAIRY DIE!

  • LET DAIRY DIE!

  • ( BOOING ) >> Stephen: HMM...DAIRY RIGHTS

  • ACTIVISTS?

  • I WONDER WHO THAT WAS?

  • JIM, ZOOM IN.

  • IT'S JOAQUIN PHOENIX.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • I KNEW IT!

  • I KNEW IT!

  • STILL A GRIPPING PERFORMANCE.

  • I GOTTA GIVE IT TO THE GUY.

  • AND LOOK AT HOW JILL BIDEN AGREEMENTED THAT WOMAN WHEN SHE

  • GOT ON STAGE.

  • I DON'T KNOW IF JOE CAN WIN THE PRESIDENCY, BUT JILL IS

  • DEFINITELY GOING TO WIN SUMMER SLAM.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • BOOM!

  • OH, YEAH.

  • ATOMIC ELBORO-DROP.

  • IT WAS A DISAPPOINTING NIGHT FOR THE PREVIOUS FRONTRUNNER,

  • VERMONT SENATOR AND D.J. WHO KNOWS YOU CAN SCREAM LOUDER THAN

  • THAT, BERNIE SANDERS.

  • SANDERS WON FOUR STATES, INCLUDING CALIFORNIA, BUT "MANY

  • YOUNG VOTERS SAT OUT SUPER TUESDAY, CONTRIBUTING TO BERNIE

  • SANDERS' LOSSES."

  • ( AS BERNIE ) "COME ON, YOUNGLINGS!

  • GET OFF YOUR TIKTOK SNAP CHATS, AND VOTE!

  • OR I WILL COME DOWN TO ONE OF THE THREE JOBS YOU ARE WORKING

  • AND SLAP THE VAPE PEN RIGHT OUT OF YOUR DIRTY LITTLE MOUTHS.

  • STEP UP THE FLAVOR.

  • THIS IS IT."

  • YOU SAY THIS, AND THEN DO YOU THAT.

  • THIS IS IT!

  • LAST NIGHT, AT HIS RALLY, BERNIE TOOK THE FIGHT RIGHT TO BIDEN BY

  • COMPARING THEIR RECORDS.

  • >> ONE OF US HAS SPENT HIS ENTIRE LIFE FIGHTING AGAINST

  • CUTS IN SOCIAL SECURITY.

  • ANOTHER CANDIDATE HAS BEEN ON THE FLOOR OF THE SENATE CALLING

  • FOR CUTS TO SOCIAL SECURITY.

  • >> Stephen: (AS BERNIE) "ONE OF US WANTED TO LEAVE THE

  • "LION KING" AS IT WAS.

  • THE OTHER SAID, "LET'S REMAKE IT WITH COMPUTER LIONS."

  • COMPLETELY TOOK AWAY THE WHIMSY.

  • HAKUNA MA-DISASTA."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • "TELLING YOU, IT'S THIS, BUT IT'S ALSO THAT.

  • AND YOU DO-- AND THIS, THIS, THIS."

  • OF ARGUABLY, THE BIGGEST LOSER LAST

  • NIGHT WAS FORMER NEW YORK CITY MAYOR AND MISCHIEVOUS GNOME WHO

  • JUST STUMPED YOU WITH HIS RIDDLES THREE, MIKE BLOOMBERG.

  • BLOOMBERG DID PULL OFF A VICTORY IN ONE PLACE: AMERICAN SAMOA.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING: AS GOES

  • AMERICAN SAMOA, SO GOES...

  • EASTER ISLAND?

  • I DON'T KNOW-- I THINK THE HEADS ARE SUPER DELEGATES.

  • THINGS WEREN'T LOOKING GREAT FOR MIKE GOING INTO SUPER TUESDAY.

  • YESTERDAY AFTERNOON, THIS VIDEO WENT VIRAL OF BLOOMBERG AT A

  • CAMPAIGN STOP.

  • LICKING HIS FINGERS, REACHING INTO A PIZZA BOX, TEARING OFF A

  • PIECE, PUTTING THE REST BACK, AND LICKING EVERY FINGER

  • INDIVIDUALLY, AND THEN TOUCHING A COFFEE SPOUT.

  • NOW, THAT MAY SEEM GROSS, BUT HE WAS JUST GIVING HIS FINGERS A

  • LITTLE STOP AND FRISK.

  • "HOLD UP THERE, LITTLE BUDDY!

  • TOLD ON!

  • LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT A LITTLE SALT ON YA.

  • WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING, TASTY GREASE BOY?

  • UP AGAINST THE TONGUE WALL WITH YOU.

  • OH, YOU LOOK SUSPICIOUS.

  • I SUSPECT A LITTLE MARINARA'S IN YOUR POCKET."

  • THERETO YOU GO.

  • NOW-- NOW I HAVE TO PURELL AGAIN.

  • I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

  • NOW, AFTER HIS ROUGH NIGHT, THIS MORNING, BLOOMBERG ANNOUNCED

  • THAT HE IS SUSPENDING HIS PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN.

  • AND THIS AFTERNOON, BLOOMBERG TOOK TO HIS FUN-SIZED PODIUM TO

  • BREAK THE NEWS TO HIS STAFF.

  • >> I ENTERED THE RACE FOR PRESIDENT TO DEFEAT DONALD

  • TRUMP, AND TODAY I AM LEAVING THE RACE FOR THE SAME REASON:

  • TO DEFEAT DONALD TRUMP, BECAUSE STAYING IN WOULD MAKE IT MORE

  • DIFFICULT TO ACHIEVE THAT GOAL.

  • >> Stephen: IT TAKES A BIG MAN TO STAND UP AND ADMIT THE MOST

  • IMPORTANT THING I WILL EVER DO, I SHOULD REALLY STOP DOING.

  • BLOOMBERG IMMEDIATELY ENDORSED JOE BIDEN.

  • NO ONE KNOWS HOW BIG OF AN IMPACT THAT'S GOING TO HAVE,

  • BUT WE HAVE GOTTEN A HOLD OF JOE BIDEN'S LATEST AD, AND THERE

  • SEEMS TO BE SOME BLOOMBERG INFLUENCE.

  • SEEMS TO BE SOME BLOOMBERG INFLUENCE.

  • AND I APPROVED THIS MESSAGE.

  • >> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

  • CHRIS HAYES IS HERE.

  • BUT WHEN WE RETURN, MORE MONOLOGUE RIGHT HERE.

  • STICK AROUND!

WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."

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