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  • Hey, everybody, Trevor Noah here with another episode of

  • The Daily Social Distancing Show.

  • It is now day 13 of being stuck in the house

  • to try and stop the coronavirus.

  • And yes, I'm going a little bit crazy,

  • but I'm also learning things.

  • For instance, here's a tip to help you in quarantine.

  • If you're alone and you're feeling lonely,

  • all you need to do is take some pillows

  • and you fill them up with potatoes,

  • wrap them up in a blanket,

  • stack them on your couch and now you have a friend.

  • Jerry.

  • Always fighting over the remote.

  • Anyway, tonight we're gonna catch up

  • on all the latest coronavirus news, like

  • Congress is giving everyone money,

  • the royal family is getting personal with coronavirus

  • and Donald Trump teaches us about manners.

  • So let's get into it.

  • Welcome to The Daily Social Distancing Show.

  • -♪ ♪ -ANNOUNCER: From Trevor's couch in New York City

  • to your couch somewhere in the world, this is

  • The Daily Social Distancing Show With Trevor Noah.

  • Let's kick it off as we always do,

  • with some good news of the day.

  • This morning Republicans and Democrats in the Senate

  • reached a deal to pump two trillion dollars

  • into the economy to help deal with this pandemic.

  • It is the biggest stimulus in United States history,

  • and it basically spreads money everywhere.

  • Direct payments to Americans, expanded unemployment insurance,

  • aid to small businesses, aid to the airline industry

  • and billions of dollars to help prop up

  • the health care industry, which is vital right now.

  • So all over America people are gonna

  • be getting checks from the government.

  • And I know a lot of people out there are desperate

  • for toilet paper, but please do not use those checks

  • to wipe your ass. You take the check,

  • you cash the check and then you take the cash

  • and you go to the toilet and you wipe your ass.

  • Or you use the cash to buy toilet paper.

  • I should have gone with that one first.

  • But now you-now you know. If you were-if you were

  • already doing it, you were too fast, I can't help you.

  • Now, apparently Democrats and Republicans only managed

  • to reach a deal after they agreed that they were

  • going to include an oversight committee to make sure

  • that all of this money is being spent appropriately. Right?

  • And there's also a provision that blocks bailout money

  • from going to businesses that are owned

  • by government officials,

  • including the president and his family.

  • Imagine that, hmm? In fact, just take a second

  • to appreciate how strange it is that lawmakers felt that

  • they needed to write in that the president cannot use this money

  • for himself and his family. And even Republicans were like,

  • "Yeah, yeah, no, you're right, we should include that.

  • We should include that." Because, don't forget,

  • this is the same guy who took $150,000

  • from a small business recovery program after 9/11.

  • And he didn't need that.

  • So, yeah, Trump would have

  • looted the shit out of this fund.

  • And even with this restriction, I bet Trump will find a loophole

  • to try and get some of this money. He'll be like,

  • "Okay, Eric, if anyone asks,

  • you're no longer my son."

  • "Oh, damn, Dad, is this a plan to get that bailout money?"

  • "No, this is just something I've always wanted."

  • In more good news, the Chinese government has announced

  • that there has been so much improvement in Wuhan--

  • the place where this whole epidemic began--

  • that the lockdown will be lifted there

  • in just a couple of weeks.

  • Yeah. So, basically, coronavirus is like TikTok--

  • it started in China but it's blowing up in America.

  • And pretty soon the people of Wuhan

  • are gonna be discriminating against us.

  • Yeah, they're just gonna be holding press conferences like,

  • "We need to shut down our borders

  • to prevent the America virus from coming in."

  • "The America virus?" "Yeah, that's how it works, right?

  • "You name it after where it is, 'cause it not in Wuhan anymore.

  • So, you... America virus? Yeah?"

  • But this news out of Wuhan gives me hope, because it shows

  • that the coronavirus can be beaten. Right?

  • All you need to do is wash your hands, social distance

  • and have an all-powerful government

  • that can force you to do whatever they want.

  • Yeah, because meanwhile, in America, people are like,

  • "If I want to lick a toilet seat, it's my God-given right

  • to lick a goddam toilet seat! Mwah!"

  • So that's the good news.

  • Money coming into America

  • and China seems to have coronavirus under control.

  • Now, we need a little bit of good news every day,

  • because outside of that, the coronavirus

  • is showing no signs of slowing down.

  • The number of confirmed cases worldwide

  • has jumped to over 430,000.

  • Spain has surpassed China

  • as the country with the most deaths after Italy,

  • and even the royal family isn't immune.

  • Prince Charles has now tested positive for coronavirus.

  • Yeah. So, basically, Harry and Megan left

  • and coronavirus joined.

  • Which is a pretty bad trade, if you ask me.

  • But don't worry, the prince

  • only has mild symptoms and they say

  • he's recovering, he's in self-isolation

  • in his palace.

  • Yeah. And I won't lie--

  • "the prince being in self-isolation in the palace"

  • sounds like the beginning of a very strange Disney movie.

  • The prince was trapped in his castle,

  • until one day

  • a fair maiden came to rescue him.

  • "Only your kiss can save me,

  • fair maiden."

  • "Oh, a kiss? Man, you lucky if I wink at you from far.

  • Get away from me."

  • Meanwhile, across the pond, America is quickly becoming

  • one of the world's coronavirus hot spots,

  • with over 60,000 people now infected.

  • Businesses are continuing to react in different ways

  • to try and work through this. For example,

  • airlines are now reassigning passengers

  • so that nobody sits in a middle seat.

  • And this is in an attempt to give everyone

  • more distance from each other.

  • Now, this is gonna be tough for airlines.

  • And, I mean, it's probably gonna

  • completely destroy Spirit Airlines

  • because they only have middle seats.

  • Spirit Airlines:

  • if you're still flying, you deserve us.

  • Another company dealing

  • with the coronavirus fallout right now is Amazon.

  • Due to surging demand,

  • they've been hiring more workers.

  • And to help pay for it,

  • Amazon is asking us, the public, to donate.

  • So yeah, the richest company in the world

  • owned by the richest man in the world

  • is asking us for money.

  • Which, let's be honest, is some bullshit.

  • Can someone please order Jeff Bezos a conscience?

  • With Prime, it can arrive within two days.

  • In fact, screw Amazon. Don't be asking us for money.

  • You know what I'm gonna do as a protest? From now on,

  • I'm only ordering stuff from them once a day.

  • Maybe twice a day, but that's it.

  • But the big story today,

  • the story that's got everybody talking,

  • is that while more and more countries around the world

  • are shutting down to stop coronavirus from spreading,

  • Donald Jameson Trump

  • is preparing for a grand opening.

  • President Trump now says

  • he wants to reopen the country for business by Easter

  • even as health officials warn the coronavirus pandemic

  • will continue to worsen in the U.S.

  • I'd love to have it open by Easter.

  • Okay? I would love

  • -to have it open by Easter. -NEWSWOMAN: Oh, wow. Okay.

  • I will... I will tell you that right now.

  • Easter's a very special day for me.

  • And I say, wouldn't it be great

  • to have all of the churches full?

  • You know, the churches aren't allowed,

  • essentially, to have much of a congregation there.

  • So I think Easter Sunday,

  • and you'll have packed churches all over our country.

  • I-I think it would be a beautiful time.

  • Yes, President Trump says

  • he wants to reopen America on Easter.

  • Which makes sense.

  • I mean, Easter is about resurrection, after all.

  • It'll be, "Happy Easter, everyone.

  • He is risen."

  • "He" meaning coronavirus.

  • And I love that Trump says

  • Easter is a very special day for him,

  • because I'm willing to bet

  • all five rolls of my toilet paper

  • that he doesn't even know what Easter is about.

  • He's acting like it's special.

  • I bet if you asked him, he'd be like,

  • "Easter is a very special time for me.

  • "It's the day a giant rabbit

  • "saved Jesus from dying on the egg.

  • So special, folks."

  • Now, you don't have to be a genius

  • to see why the president's plan

  • is alarming a lot of people right now.

  • Right? It's not just because it seems way too early

  • but it's also because he's saying

  • he wants everyone to congregate together

  • in churches around the country,

  • which is the worst idea possible in a pandemic.

  • This is basically every supervillain's wet dream, right?

  • A big event with huge crowds

  • where everyone gets infected by a deadly toxin.

  • Trump is like the Joker, just with more makeup.

  • And this idea's so insane

  • that everyone from Democratic governors

  • to conservative politicians

  • to the entire field of medical experts

  • agrees that unless the virus is contained,

  • people have no business gathering in large groups.

  • And, you know, it's so surreal that we ended up in a situation

  • where the one person who doesn't understand

  • how complex and dangerous this is

  • happens to be the most powerful man in the world.

  • It feels like if there was an asteroid

  • hurtling towards the Earth,

  • everyone would be trying to blow it up off course,

  • and Trump would be like,

  • "I think we should give the asteroid a chance, folks.

  • "Maybe it's friendly.

  • Look, it even has my hair."

  • Because what's most mind-blowing

  • about Trump's sudden impulse to get back to normal

  • is that right now the situation is far from under control.

  • Especially here in New York,

  • which right now has over half

  • the country's confirmed coronavirus cases.

  • It's gotten so bad in New York

  • that the White House's coronavirus task force

  • is advising that even people

  • who left New York already

  • should self-quarantine for 14 days,

  • regardless of where they are in the country or in the world.

  • And that's gonna be hard for anyone who has to look after

  • a New Yorker who's, like, visiting them.

  • It's gonna be people complaining about their quarantined friends.

  • Just like, "He won't eat.

  • "He says the pastrami's too dry and the bagels aren't boiled.

  • "I-I tried ordering pizza,

  • and then he just cussed at me for ten minutes."

  • And with coronavirus cases not even expected to peak

  • until two or three weeks from now,

  • the city is already in desperate need

  • for more hospital beds,