Have you ever wondered what kind of love you have? Or what kind of love other people have and how on earth do they make it work?

你有沒有想過你會有什麼樣的愛情？或者其他人的愛情長什麼樣子，別的情侶又是怎麼相處的？

頻率副詞

I mean, some couples never really argue, which you would think is the perfect situation. But they somehow end.

我的意思是，有些情侶不怎麼吵架，而你覺得這是最完美的相處模式，但是他們最後還是分手了。

動名詞

Whereas some couples never stop arguing and they've been together for like years... decades even.

反觀有些情侶一天到晚吵不停，卻可以堅持好幾年，甚至是好幾十年。

What about the couples that spend every single waking and sleeping hour together? How do they even do that?

至於那些無時無刻不膩在一起的情侶呢？他們又是怎麼做到的？

And come on, we've all seen some long-distance relationships that actually work so well contrary to popular belief.

還有一些顛覆我們所想像的遠距離戀愛成功案例。

So we tried to figure out if there is a way to maybe answer some of these questions. But in order to do that, we have to go back in time, all the way back to your childhood.

於是，我們試圖找出可以回答這些問題的答案。但要找出答案，我們首先要讓時間倒流，回到你的童年。

The Attachment Theory developed by John Bowlby, suggests one way we can look at our relationships.

我們也許可以從 John Bowlby 提出的《依附理論》中一窺自己屬於什麼類型的戀人。

It says that from when we are a child, we expect love and attention from our caretakers like our parents, guardians, so on and so forth.

該理論指出，當我們還小的時候，我們渴望被父母、監顧人等照顧我們的人疼愛。

The amount of love and attention that we receive when we're a child determines how we will be in our future relationships.

而我們日後會長成什麼人格類型的戀人，取決於我們小時候得到的愛和關注。

To explain this theory, I would like to introduce three of my good friends to you. They each represent the different types of attachments we can have from when we were a child.

為了解釋這個理論， 我要向你介紹我的三個好朋友，他們分別代表三種不同的依附類型人格。

這是 Lilly，她屬於安全感型依附人格。

Lilly comes from a very warm, nurturing, loving family where she never felt like she lacked love and attention. When she got older, she became a strong, confident woman because she always knew that she will somehow receive love and attention.

Lilly 來自一個溫暖又充滿愛、細心照顧她的家庭，她從來不覺得自己缺乏愛和關注。所以當她長大後，她成為一位堅強且自信的女人，因為她知道，自己任何時候都會獲得愛和關注。

第二位是 Jane，Jane 屬於逃避型依附人格。

Jane grew up with a family that was distant, either physically, emotionally, or both. In some cases, the families of the avoidant types can also be abusive.

Jane 來自一個身、心靈都比較冷漠的家庭。某些情況下，一些充滿暴力的家庭也可能養出逃避型依附人格。

When Jane got older, she closed herself off to love and relationships because deep down she was always afraid of getting hurt, but she strongly believes that she doesn't need anyone.

當 Jane 長大後，她變得封閉自己，拒絕愛或是感情，因為她內心深處總是害怕受傷，並堅決地認為自己不需要任何人。

And this is Paul. Paul is the anxious type.

第三位，屬於焦慮型依附人格的 Paul。

Paul grew up with a family with irregular behaviors. Sometimes they showered him with love, and other times... well, they were distant and overbearing. When he got older, he became extremely insecure and worried constantly that he won't be loved or that he will lose the love that he has.

Paul 在一個對他態度時冷時熱的家庭中長大。有時候他的家人對他表現出愛他的樣子，有時候又表現得冷漠甚至蠻橫。於是他長大後極度容易感到不安， 不斷地擔心自己不會被愛或者擔心會失去他所得到的愛。

Now let's talk about the components of their relationships.

我們接著來談談這些人格在感情經營中面臨不同情境會有哪些表現。

When it comes to intimacy, Lilly was always happy to spend as much time as she could with her significant other. But when they had to be apart, she would never fret or worry. "Baby, I trust in our relationship, I know that we will always have each other."

在親密關係這一塊， Lilly 樂於多花時間陪伴她的另一半，但當他們需要分開時， 她也不會感到煩躁或是憂慮。「寶貝，我對我們的感情有信心，我知道我們會一直在一起。」

Jane, on the other hand, would panic when she felt her personal space was being invaded. She always had to let it be known that she didn't need anyone.

另一方面，Jane 會因為覺得私人空間被侵犯而感到不舒服，並會反復強調自己不需要任何人。

"Stop trying to control me! I needed my space!" Truth is, she's just too afraid to trust anyone.

「不要試圖控制我！我需要自己的空間！」但事實是， 她只是太害怕去相信任何人。

As for Paul, well, Paul always wants to be with his girlfriend. He's always scared and insecure that she will leave him.

至於 Paul，他會一直想要和女友待在一起，因為他總是感到不安、害怕女友會離開他。

"Baby, why haven't you texted me? Don't leave me please. Are you mad?" Even when he should spend some time with his friends, he wouldn't dare say anything because he's always afraid that he would lose her.

「寶貝，你為什麼不回我訊息？ 拜託不要離開我，我是不是惹你生氣了？」他連想跟朋友出去都不敢有所表示，因為他害怕失去女友。

Lilly would be super chill. "It's all about working together through trust and understanding."

Lilly 會很輕鬆自在地看待感情關係的約束。「感情的基礎建立在信任和理解上。」

Jane would freak out. "Just try to control me! I will run away faster than Usain Bolt and you will never see me again."

Jane 會嚇爆。「你別想控制我！我會跑得比牙買加閃電 Usain Bolt 還快， 你休想再見到我！」

Paul would just give in. "It's completely up to you, I... I would rather not voice my opinions because you might not love me anymore and find someone better."

Paul 則會完全任人擺佈。「由你決定，我不會有任何的意見，因為你可能會因此不愛我而去找比我更好的人。」

Lilly would just shrug it off, "Don't worry baby, we can fix it together."

Lily 不會太糾結：「別擔心寶貝，我們可以一起解決這個問題。」

Jane (would be) already halfway out the door. "I knew I couldn't trust anyone. I knew that I am alone and had I just listened to myself before I wouldn't have gotten hurt."

Jane 會做好從關係中抽離的準備。「我就知道我不能相信任何人。我就知道一個人很好，如果我當初聽取自己內心的話，也許就不會受傷。」

Paul would just start to question himself and drown in his own negative thoughts about himself. "What did I do wrong? I have to fix myself and change so that I can be better for her."

Paul 則會開始懷疑自己， 然後整個人沉浸在質疑自己的負面情緒中。「我到底做錯了什麼？我應該好好地精進、改變自己， 讓自己成為更配得上她的人。」

Firstly, let's talk about the secure types, like Lilly. If you are the secure type, depending on your preferences, it's mostly easy for you to be with any other attachment types.

我們先來聊聊像 Lilly 這種安全感型依附人格。如果你屬於安全感型依附戀人，基本上你跟任何一種依附型人格的對象在一起都沒問題。

Of course, being with another secure type will generally be the easiest.

通常來說，你跟同樣屬於安全感型依附的對象交往最合適，但如果你很享受私人空間以及與朋友、家人的相處，那麼逃避型依附對象會是你的最佳選擇。

But if you value your own space and time with your own friends and family, then the avoidant type may be the best type for you because you'll both get to easily have time for yourselves and the Jane's of the Attachment Theory will not feel like they're suffocating or being controlled.

因為你們總是會為自己預留獨處的時間；在適度留白的情況下，像 Jane 那種依附類型對象也不會有窒息感或者覺得自己被控制。

But if you prefer to spend most of your time with your significant other, then a relationship with the Anxious type could be great for you both.

但如果你喜歡一直和另一半膩在一起，那你和焦慮型依附對象也很配。

The fact that you prefer to be with them for most of your time will give them a sense of security and build confidence in the relationship. And who knows? Maybe even in themselves.

你長期的陪伴會帶給他們安全感，也會更鞏固你們的關係，甚至可能帶給他更多自信。

Alright, so what happens when Paul meets someone who's also an Anxious type? Or Jane meets someone who is also an Avoidant type?

那麼，如果焦慮型依附人格 Paul 遇上焦慮型依附的對象，或者逃避型依附人格 Jane 遇上同樣是逃避型依附的人會出現什麼結果？

Well, for Paul, meeting someone who is also the Anxious type can lead to them both becoming extremely codependent and having to spend every single waking hour together. On top of that, they both might also start acting out even more to get more attention from each other because they need to find other ways to be shown that they're loved.

Paul 的交往對象如果和他是同類人，你可以預期這一對情侶將會形影不離，而且彼此會越來越表現自己，以引起對方更多的注意，藉此證明自己一直被愛著。

As for Jane, well, meeting another Avoidant type will be as if two people built a new great wall of China just between them and never spending time together. They end up doing what they want by themselves or with their own group of friends, and are completely separate from each other. They'd rather not get close just in case they would fall in love and just in case they would get hurt.

至於 Jane，如果碰到和她一樣屬於逃避型依附的對象。這兩個人之間就像隔著一座萬里長城，他們不願意和彼此相處。他們會花時間做自己的事或待在自己的朋友圈，但兩人就是一點交集都沒有，他們不想要變得更親密，因為他們害怕陷入愛情後受到傷害。

And lastly, and probably the most difficult of all the Attachment types to put together would be the Janes and the Pauls, or the Anxious and the Avoidant types. One would need so much space and easily feels suffocated while the other needs so much love and a thunderstorm of attention.

最後，也許所有依附類型人格中最困難的組合就是 Jane（逃避型依附人格）和 Paul（焦慮型依附人格）這種組合了。他們其中一個需要大量的私人空間，容易因為生活中出現另一個人而感到窒息，而另一個則會需要大量的愛和關注。

這個戀愛組合要成功還挺困難的。

Of course, these could also be the extreme cases of the attachment styles, and it's not to say that everyone who's a Jane is a constant flight risk, or everyone who's a Paul is going to be so clingy. It's more of a guideline of one way our childhood can affect our relationships.

當然難度高不代表不可能。畢竟不是每一個 Jane 都那麼生人勿進，也不是每個 Paul 都那麼黏踢踢。我們只是討論童年經歷可能對我們日後感情發展產生的影響而已。

And when it comes to the different attachment styles, there is no right and there is no wrong. The point is, this isn't something you can choose. Your childhood and experiences brought you down this path. It's much bigger than just little personality quirks, it's a big effect on how you were raised.

而且人格的差異並沒有對與錯，你的童年與成長經歷皆非你所能自由選擇，是過去的一切造成了今天的你。

But on the bright side, it's not something you have to be stuck with forever.

往好處想，雖然你的童年經歷會影響你的人格特質，但那不代表永遠，你會繼續成長、繼續變得更好。

It's really just important to recognize who you are and who your significant other is and try to understand both of your feelings and where those feelings come from.

最重要的是你認清自己是誰和你喜歡的是誰，並試著去了解你們的感情和那些情緒的來源。

As we mentioned before, every relationship is work, some more than others, but if you are both working on yourselves for yourselves and for each other, it really doesn't matter what attachment type you are.

就像我們之前說過的， 每段感情都是需要用心經營。有些人的感情路的確走得比較辛苦，但只要你們兩個願意為自己、為對方努力，你是什麼依附型人格真的沒那麼重要！

所以祝天下的所有情侶們，情人節快樂！

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