I’m going to talk to you tonight about coming out of the closet,

今晚，我要和各位觀眾討論走出衣櫃

程度副詞

and not in the traditional sense, not just the gay closet.

而這種走出衣櫃，不是以前大家所熟知的出櫃成為同性戀

Your closet may be telling someone you love her for the first time,

你的衣櫃可能會透露你愛上某個女孩了、

or telling someone that you’re pregnant,

or any of the other hard conversations we have throughout our lives.

And although our topics may vary tremendously,

the experience of being in and coming out of the closet is universal.

但「出櫃」和「不出櫃」的經驗都非常普遍

Several years ago, I was working at the South Side Walnut Café,

幾年前，我在South Side Walnut Café，

and during my time there I would go through phases of militant lesbian intensity,

在那時候，我正式成為激進的同性戀份子

not shaving my armpit, quoting Ani DiFranco lyrics as gospel.

我不刮腋毛，把Ani DiFranco的歌詞當作人生至理名言

And depending on the bagginess of my cargo shorts and how recently I had shaved my head,

而是穿著寬鬆的工作褲，「我多久剪一次頭髮」，

the question would often be sprung on me, usually by a little kid.

“Um, are you a boy or are you a girl?”

And there would be an awkward silence at the table.

hold my coffee pot with a little more vengeance.

The dad would awkwardly shuffle his newspaper and the mom would shoot a chilling stare at her kid.

小孩的爸爸會尷尬地拿起報紙，而媽媽會凶狠地瞪著小孩

And it got to the point where every time I walked up to a table that had a kid anywhere between 3 and 10 years old,

每次走向一個桌子，就會有3歲到10歲之間的小孩問我這個問題

So I promised myself, the next time I would say something.

我向自己保證，下次我一定會回應

So within a matter of weeks, it happens again.

Familiar silence, but this time I’m ready,

一樣鴉雀無聲，但這次我準備好了

and I am about to go all Women’s Studies 101 on this table.

我正準備要在這桌上發表有關Women’s Studies 101的演講

I’ve even got this little bit from “Vagina Monologues” I’m going to do.

我還準備要講一小段Vagina Monologues裡面的內容

and staring back at me is a 4-year-old girl in a pink dress,

和我四目相交，身穿粉紅色洋裝的4歲小女孩

just a kid with a question: Are you a boy or are you a girl?

而是一個小孩問的問題：你是男生還是女生？

My hair is short like a boy’s and I wear boy’s clothes,

我的頭髮剪得像男生一樣短，我的穿著也打扮得像男生一樣，

but I’m a girl, and you know how sometimes you like to wear a pink dress,

但我是女生，你知道嗎？你有時會喜歡穿粉紅色洋裝，

and sometimes you like to wear your comfy jammies?

有時也會想要換穿寬鬆舒適的衣服，

Well, I’m more of a comfy jammies kind of girl.”

我是比較常穿寬鬆舒適衣服的女生」

And this kid looks me dead in the eye, without missing a beat and says,

這個小女孩不但沒被打擊，看著我說：

“My favourite pajamas are purple with fish. Can I get a pancake please?”

「我最喜歡的紫色睡衣上有小魚圖案。我可以點鬆餅嗎？」

And that was it. Just, “Oh, okay. You’re a girl. How about that pancake?”

我說：「當然可以，妳是女生，點這個口味的鬆餅怎麼樣？」

It was the easiest hard conversation I have ever had.

這就是我經歷過最簡單的「生硬的對話」

Because pancake girl and I, we were both real with each other.

因為鬆餅女孩和我，都是真心誠意地對待彼此

So like many of us, I’ve lived in a few closets in my life, and yeah, most often,

所以像我們大部分的人，我已經關在衣櫃裡很多年了，更多時候

阻擋我出櫃的那道牆變成了彩虹

But inside, in the dark, you can’t tell what color the walls are.

但其實在黑暗的衣櫃中，你不知道牆的顏色

You just know what it feels like to live in a closet.

你只知道那感覺像是活在衣櫥裡

So really, my closet is no different than yours,

Sure, I’ll give you a 100 reasons why coming out of my closet was harder than coming out of yours, but here’s the thing.

當然我會給你100個理由，讓你知道我比你出櫃還要更困難，以下請聽仔細

困難沒什麼大不了，困難就困難

Who can tell me that explaining to someone you’ve just declared bankruptcy is harder than telling someone you just cheated on them?

誰可以告訴我，向其他人宣布你破產了，比告訴你男朋友你劈腿了，還更困難？

Who can tell me that his coming out story is harder than telling your 5-year-old you’re getting a divorce?

誰可以告訴我，說自己的出櫃故事，比告訴5歲的孩子自己離婚的事情，還更困難？

這不會非常困難，這只是普通難而已

We need to stop ranking our hard against everyone else’s hard

to make us feel better or worse about our closets

而讓自己覺得出櫃比較好，或是不好

and just commiserate on the fact that we all have hard.

At some point in our lives, we all live in closets,

有時候，我們都活在自己的衣櫃裡

or at least safer than what lies on the other side of that door.

或至少，比依賴在另一道門上，還要更安全

But I am here to tell you, no matter what your walls are made of,

在這裡，我要告訴你，不論衣櫃的門是什麼材質做的

a closet is no place for a person to live.

I was not the militant lesbian ready to fight any 4-year-old that walked into the café.

我不是準備要和走進餐廳的4歲小孩開戰的激進派同性戀份子

curled up in the corner of my pitch-black closet,

and moving one muscle is the scariest thing I have ever done.

而風吹草動就是我所經歷過最可怕的事情

My family, my friends, complete strangers,

我的家人、朋友和所有不認識的人

I had spent my entire life trying to not disappoint these people, and now

我一生都在嘗試不要逃避這些人，而現在

I was turning the world upside down on purpose.

I was burning the pages of the script we had all followed for so long,

我把原本應該照著走的劇本都燒毀

but if you do not throw that grenade, it will kill you.

但如果你不把那顆手榴彈丟掉，你還是死命一條

One of my most memorable grenade tosses was at my sister’s wedding.

其中一件令我印象最深刻的丟手榴彈事件，就是在我姐姐的婚禮上

It was the first time that many in attendance knew I was gay,

那是第一次，在場那麼多人知道我是同性戀

I walked around the tables and finally landed on a table of my parents’ friends,

我在桌子和桌子之間遊走，最後停在我父母親的朋友和親戚桌旁

And after a little small talk, one of the women shouted out,

And the battle of gay reliability had begun.

“Ash, have you ever been to the Castro?”

“Well yeah, actually, we have friends in San Francisco.”

「有，其實我們在舊金山就認識了」

“Well, we’ve never been to there but we’ve heard it’s fabulous.”

「我們沒去過那裡，但有聽說過那裡的風景很美」

“Ash, do you know my hairdresser Antonio?

「Ash，你認識我的髮型師Antonio嗎？

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